To stop DS from hanging around with this friend?

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DS (14) has a friend who I really don't like. I have heard him speaking on the phone to his mother in the most awful way:

"mother, shut the fuck up and listen .... L I S T E N T O W H A T I A M T E L L I N Y O U"

"HELLO??? RETARD??? CAN YOU HEAR ME???"

etc etc. I have pulled the kid up before when I've hear d him and he just laughs it off and says all his family speak like that and his mother doesn't 'give a shit'.

Last weekend DS went to this lad's house for a party. I trust DS so i was not too concerned and I knew he would give me the full story when he got home.

Anyway, he got home on the sunday and I asked him what the party was like.

This is an account of it:

7pm they got to his house.
They played on grand theft auto 4 and saints row until 8pm.
At 8 pm the lads father came to visit and the lad told his dad that he could either order them a take-away of fuck off. The father called the kid a "cheeky fucker" but ordered them all a take-away.

In the hour it took for the take-away to arrive, the lad sent his mother out to the off-licence for some drinks. She bought them 24 bottles of stella.

Takeaway arrived at 9pm and they ate what they could before having a "food fight" which involved chucking food all over the kitchen and seeing who could make the most mess on the ceiling.

The father left.

Later, the lad got out a 'bb gun', set up targets on the living room door and they had a 'shooting range game' in the living room. When the targets were pulled down, the door was covered in holes. (council house doors so I assume they were that thin plywood stuff but still, the gun must have had some strenth for the pellets to go all the way through).

His mother came in, saw the door and "kicked off" ffing and blinding ... this was apparantly "hilarious"

Then to top it all off, a group of girls from school came over and stayed the night. The lad and one girl slept together in his bedroom. Another lad slept with a girl in his brother's bedroom and DS, another boy and 2 girls slept in the living room.

DS arrived home sunday morning with a hangover.

Now besides the fact that I'm absolutely livid by what went on at this so called party, I am also determined to make sure that DS has VERY little to do with this lad in future. I also want to shake his mother.

AIBU to bring in a zero tolerance on contact with this kid outside of school? DH thinks I should let DS make his own decisions.

Oh and they walked to tesco at 2am in the morning.

Sounds like a Jeremy Kyle programme - get rid of 'friend' as quickly as possible.

i think it sounds out of control and sort of beyond acceptable boundary pushing (the bb gun would worry me)

I don't think YABU

i am not a parent of a teenager, am prepared to be corrected

i think most teens experiment with sex, alcohol etc but this sounds like it is making you uneasy

what does your DS have to say about it all?

Hell's bells, This is not what I want my son to be doing at 14.

In your shoes I'd be cutting contact with this lad if at all possible. Don't know how you'll achieve it now tho'.

Mind you, given lad's language, I don't think I'd have let your DS go for a sleepover in the first place.

OMG YANBU

i cetainly don't think he should beable to make his own decisions - but its going to be hard to veto a friend at this age

I would have zero contact outside of school and work on encouraging him to ditch him as a friend. Invite other people around and get him to do hobbies etc with other friends. I have a 13 year old and feel for you.

I would imagine that your son is secretly as horrified as all here, but how on earth does he break away from this friend without losing face? I feel really sorry for your DS - being exposed to that kind of behaviour must be really hard for him.

Yes, absolutely you need to veto that friendship - but I'd appeal to his better nature, rather than going in heavy handed and demand that the friendship ends, otherwise he'll probably rebel. How does your DS feel about the scrote friend? You poor thing - what a horible situation to be in.

I wouldn't let him go round to his house again or 'hang out with him , buit i wouldn't tell him he couldn't be friends ,that will only make him more 'attractive'.Also do bear in mind that when groups of lads get together they do egg one another on and end up doing stuff they wouldn't normally think of doing.For example the food fight must have involved more than one of them

14 is a very influential age and I would be concerned about this friendship.
I think it's awful that the boy's mum bought them Stella. If I were you I would speak to her about that.

I'd be thinking about how to give your ds more information to let him make his own decisions. For example, showing up the attitude towards the mother to be as disgusting as it is and not "hilarious". Reinforcing the idea that guns are not "fun and cute". Reminding him that destructive behaviour and vandalism is not tolerated and a bad idea because xyz.. Then leading him to draw the link between how horrible these things are and how his friend behaves. You can't just tell your ds, he has to join the dots himself otherwise you're laying down the law and it will be a battle of wills.

oh...what Paolosgirl said

I would not let my child hang out with this boy sorry but no

Why don't you invite this boy over to a sleepover at your house?

Poor lad, he behaves like this because that's how he's been brought up and that's all he knows.

Why does your son like him? He must have some good characteristics....

I hate it when I see parents refusing to let their offspring play with children from families they consider "lesser". It is snobbery no more no less. You would be well within your rights to stop your child from going to the other boy's house to sleep(underage alcohol etc) but I think to "forbid" the friendship would be wrong and unfair.

Tryharder, The OP has nowhere said she considers this boy's family to be 'lesser'

You are right that this boy behaves like this because it the way he has been taught to behave, and in fact that is very sad for him ...but the OP is well within her rights and very sensible IMHO to limit her DS's contact with this boy as much as possible. Teenagers are very easily influenced, and whatever excuses you make/ reasons you give/ justifications there are for this other boy's behaviour he is potentially, not only a very bad influence, but also dangerous to be around.

The OP is not putting the other boy's needs first...because she is putting her own DS's safety and needs first.

Fourkids, no the OP has not used the word "lesser" but that surely is the point of the thread - the bad language, underage drinking, the boy's attitude to his parents, the reference to the council house etc etc...

I'm sorry but I stand by my opinion. The OP is well within her rights to stop her son from going to this boy's house but this boy cannot help his family. Just imagine how you would feel if someone stopped their DC playing with your DC because of something you did or didn't do, or where you lived, or how much money you had.

Is this for real?

Tryharder - be as right on as you want, this is not the kind of family that most people in their right mind would want their children to have anything to do with.

Message withdrawn

MissSunny - did you read the whole post?

"mother, shut the fuck up and listen .... L I S T E N T O W H A T I A M T E L L I N Y O U"

"HELLO??? RETARD??? CAN YOU HEAR ME???"

and

"I have pulled the kid up before when I've hear d him and he just laughs it off and says all his family speak like that and his mother doesn't 'give a shit'."

and

"the lad told his dad that he could either order them a take-away or fuck off"

etc etc etc

Seriously, this is NOT normal behaviour for a 14 year old or their family.

This is OP's first post and no indication it is a regular who has name-changed.

To OP - half term holiday and not enough homework to keep you occupied?

Do you think it's a troll then, Mollie?

I'm not sure how I would feel about this.

I don't have an issue with teenagers drinking modest amounts of alcohol at home (on the basis I'd prefer to know where they are and what they are drinking than not).

the language I think is fairly average for teenagers, most probably wouldn't swear at their parents but many do.

I think I agree with the idea of trying to encourage your DS to see that this behaviour is wrong, rather than just trying to stop him seeing this boy.

You may find his parents are trying to encourage his friendship with your DS, hoping he will be a good influence - I have been in that situation with my DS with one of our then neighbours children - his parents used to invite my DS (who was then 5 or 6) round all the time, and tell me what an angel he was because he said please and thank you Sadly when DS came home and said they had spent one afternoon in said child's garden setting light to the fence (I had seen smoke but assumed his dad was having a bonfire ) I put a rather quick end to the friendship - but this was easier by their ages, and I know as a teenager it would have been much more difficult!

Paolosgirl - it just sounds a bit far fetched and OP hasn't returned to the thread since soon after posting. Either that or daytime tv has arrived at MN

I'm 19

Been there done that only a few years ago.

On the one hand, no it was not good influence, on the other i have learned a lot from it but went through a few years of hell with parnts because of it all.

HOWEVER in you and your son's case, Your son TOLD YOU!

This isnt normal.

Think yourself lucky aand trust him a bit more.

You cant stop him seeing the guy at school but maybe comprimise by not saying anything bout hanging out with the boy or even letting him go round but for the moment maybe no sleepovers there?