to be sooo fed up with school gate snobbery - just how do deal with it?

[blossomgirl]

I just can't work out why some people blank me at school, but almost every day I come home feeling uncomfortable and ashamed of being me!

Never would I have said this was possible of me but here I am.

All thanks to a group of mums who just seem to snobby to smile and genuinely disgruntled by me? my ds?

Ds is aug so young and his sillyness had cost him some friends this year, but I feel like each day that passes i'm less welcome.

Some days I just come home and cry.

So here I am stuck in a self-reproaching rut

dear Mumsnet what is the way out?

No, my friend, sensitivity is not a weakness. You are clearly a nice, caring person and they are just hard faced cows! The strength of the 'gang' methinks. Bet they wouldn't be quite so unfriendly on their own.

They don't sound like they would be nice people to be friends with to be honest so you shouldn't be worrying about whether they blank you or not. Treat them like they are insignifcant - which they should be! Concentrate on you and your DS and you'll be fine. That's what I did and quite frankly I wouldn't recognise one of those playground women now if Crimestoppers were offering a reward. DS made and developed his own friendships that weren't dependent on whether I spoke to their mothers in playground and they have lasted - he's 21! Stop stressing and ignore them. The silly cows aren't important! And the fact that you don't care will piss them off far more.

Is it really like this at the school gates? I thought people just waited to collect their children and then took them home.

Poor you, I know what you mean. Sounds to me like they are jealous of you. At my ds's school you only fit in if you are fat and frumpy. Pls dont feel down, you sound like a very nice lady. The school run is not a nice place to be. I always keep myself well turned out and tastefully dressed but I get looked at like dirt. Its always the same ones that do it as well, its jealously.

bit similar to my dd's school, they all know each other really well and i know they all go for coffee.

i usually stand alone when dropping my dd off. when she first started i was a bit taken back at how much effort i had to put in to get a conversation going.

one mum i smiled at every day then i start noticing that her smile became a really quick one and then she stopped making eye contact. i was quite shocked and actually wanted to say "listen here sister i'm not trying to be your best mate just like a bit of polite conversation when dropping my child off" - of course i didnt.

all the mums seem to know each other really well and for some reason i am so disconnected from them. but to be honest it bothered me at first but now i am fine with it and there are about three mums i have small conversations with and one nice mum who i speak to everytime so i just put my energy into her.

some women are w.e.i.r.d. - lack of sex i think

just carry on being you!

Agree with Puffing.

i would be friendly, break the ice, if you march up to them, stand in with them >> they would have to relent.
go on, i dare you

forgot to say i know its not me - its them with the problem. I am a confident person with my own circle of lovely caring friends... i dont need those fat assed, dodgy styled, anal pushy mother, healthy food only kind of people to be my mates!... honestly it doesnt bother me"

i am a lot younger than them so that might be one reason they dont include me.

there are two main types of mum groups at the school the stuck up their own ass lot and the chavvy lot smoking fags at the school gate with their kid eating a pack of roast chiken walker crisps for breakfast.

no wonder its hard to find a place to fit in!

Well im going to go to bed and practice being above this tomorrow.

Im glad and sorry im not alone, I wish it didnt hurt and I wish I didnt care but sometimes other people just don't seem to follow my rules of smile back or share a nod, and then 'it must be me' alarm is sounded and the insecurities in me rage.

Thanks goodness for your help advice and the odd well placed boot. x blossom

It's just like being back at school, isn't it?

Think you have 2 options:

1. ignore them

1. Go up to the snottiest one and say, 'hello, Don't think we've actually met -- I'm DS' mom. Been meaning to stop and say hello...'

blossomgirl - you can join the mums boot camp and we can toughen you up!...

you sound lovely and i totally agree with your rules of smile back or share a nod - did THEY not learn anything from THEIR parents?

i always think to just place your energy on people who appreciate it. otherwise you can just drain yourself.

Ignore it

Do something nice for yourself

Also start wearing outlandish wigs or dressing every day in a different costume to pick up your DC

It'll give you both a giggle and them something to really talk about

It could be though that you are just feeling a little sensitive at the moment but nothing that wouldn't be cured by picking you DS up dressed as a hotdog

ps slarty I have many cunning plans to fight this and may take up your challenge in a wild moment.

deviotion you captue that slide from hi to hello is there anybody out there so very well.

odd isnt it

is your ds friends with their dc's btw??

actually roanld im thinking of shaving my head for charity partially as an excuse to doff some wigs. and the kids are young enough not to disown me.

now that could really sort out the wheat from the chavs.

lovely thought on energy, deviotion. wise bird huh?

slarty no ds is very four and their dds are very five. diff planets.

It's a tricky one - of course you should ignore them but it's difficult. If you have some good mates there then stick to them and stick em up to the others.

I can spk from experience. I work Ft and have a "big job", so hardly ever turn up at school but I do go to all the assemblies, sports days etc and take DS to school when I can. I am older than most of the mums, can give a presentation to a cast of thousands, certainly (without boasting, sorry) earn a lot more than they do, but I don't spend it so am v scruffy, I have excellent academics etc etc, I am nauseatingly alpha mum, but these coffee clickers reduce me to a gibbering heap.

Just speak to the people you want to, ignore the silly Bea-ches as there will be plenty of them, just be yourself and deinfitely do something outlandish!

loved your post tiger

loved it

thanks for your post tiger, another challenge!

bed bed bed

bordering on upbeat now, quitting for the night while ahead.

really
x blossom

it wasn't a challenge. (?) just a point of view really = that there are school gate mums (and we know what we mean by that) who are scary wherever you are coming from. If they are silly bitches then ignore them, they may seem to rule the show, but so what?

I'm not sure it is the same everywhere. I never noticed this at my kids' primary school. I usually stood on my own because I don't know any of the mums who met at that particular school gate well, but most people didn't chat much, just stood quietly and waited for their children. If people were chatting I didn't feel excluded, I have my own friends and don't feel the need to be chatted to by every woman I meet. I wasn't usually there long anyway, same if picking children up for activities.
I ddn't find it stressful, just a bit boring. It wasn't long before the kids could walk home anyway.
Not sure if their school is less cliquey or I'm just not very observant and too lost in my own world to pay attention to the alpha mums/animosity going on around me.

I think a lot of people are thinking that everyone is judging them, but really, no one is quite as confident as we give them credit for. Maybe they're shy, insecure, or wonder why you don't talk to THEM? You'd be surprised what goes on in folks' heads. Can't remember who said it, but I agree - I'd bowl up to them with a sunny smile, and say hello. You may end up being mates with some or all of them, and may even laugh about this one day.

Or they could just be complete cows.

But today I'd like to think otherwise. Let us know how you get on.

I have a theory......

The mums who were popular at school and learnt how to make friends easily,stand at the school gates (a completely new territory) and try to fit in- to just slide in alongside everyone else.

The mum who werent perhaps so popular at school form these little groups of other similar people and stick together,they stay tight fearing that someone with charisma who isnt pretending to be popular may try and infiltrate.

Just carry on smiling and chatting to everyone (you will get your own back at the summer fair when you stand at the cake stall they are running and look at everything like its unclean).

These are the mummies who are relishing second chance at the playground.

The school gates are very like the secondary school playground. There wee always the 'cool crew' who dominated.At our school groups of families alays go on holiday together ,and have their elite little dinner parties etc.there is so much social climbing it is sad but laughable at the same time.
The thing you will probably find is that in a litle while their little darlings will start to make up their own minds about who they want to be frinds with and they will have to eat humble pie and invite your DC round.

I've always felt one of the perks of working is that you can quite legitimately avoid the school pick up

Sadly it's where many bored/frustrated/meddling mothers find an outlet.