to be annoyed with my parents who have been helpful but are really driving me mad? sorry a bit long

[mel1981]

Ok, im 38wks pregnant and at 26weeks I went into hospital for placenta previa. I ended up staying for 10weeks (due to being allowed home and within 24hrs having another bleed), I have now been home for about 3weeks.

Anyway during this time me & DH obviously needed help as we have 2 DS's at home (2&5yrs) so my husband changed shifts and my mum babysat weekday afternoons til 10.30pm. And now until my boys go to bed as im not allowed to do heavy lifting, etc.
While im REALLY greatful that my mum & dad have been doing so much to help us out I really dont think I can take much more of them.
Its not always so much that they are doing things wrong as such but more that its not how me & DH would do it ourselves.
They treat my boys like they are theirs, theres been occasions that ive told one of them off to be told off myself -as'they are just being kids'. My mum doesnt actually do any housework while here- I dont expect her to and wouldnt ask her to but she then goes home and makes out to my dad that she does EVERYTHING! My parents constantly gave my boys sweets and treats and im struggling to get them to eat less rubbish. They baby the boys so much, they cant play without being told to be quiet and calm down- they are little boys and its nothing worse than usual, hey are just full of energy.
My mum doesnt even make conversation with me when she comes over (this isnt a new thing either it how shes been all my life)- we mostly sit in silence or if i try and start a conversation with her she blatently isnt paying attention so im really past the point of trying!! My dad turns up just before bed and totally hypes them up by playing with them to the point its a struggle to get them to bed. When we do put the boys to bed (i need help as dS2 is still in cot so she picks him up & puts him in) she has to be the last one out of the room and the last one to kiss them good night!
God theres so much more to add but I wont!! I do say to them when they do stuff really wrong and they either sulk like kids (my mum especially), get arsey or again dont pay attention. My DH wants me to say more that they piss us off but I feel like im being ungreatful as they have done alot to help and in a really selfish way I still need help and have no one else to ask to babysit/help. Although saying that, im at the point where I want to struggle on without help as I dread them coming over and its really getting me down.
I feel bad cause I feel like im being a total cow, but I hate the feeling like im not being a proper mum to my boys and I dont think I can do that with my parents being around. Help!!

I can see why you are being annoyed by this, but YABU. there really aren't that many parents who would help out to this extent.

What would you have done if they couldn't have helped you?

Just accept it won't be for much longer an be grateful for all that they have done.

I tend to agree with sporadicname - sorry! I can totally see why they are grating on your nerves but by the sounds of it, you'd be lost without them! At least they care enough to come and help you.

Having said that, I hope it calms down for you soon (not much chance with a new baby nearly here!)

You've got this far you've a couple more weeks to go

I don't think you are being ureasonable in that you can't really relax in your own home of an evening, as your mother needs to be there and you have been forced into a dependant position.

In addition you (like me) are 38 weeks pregnant and if anything like how I am feeling now not desperately rational (really I'm not... and talking to the girls on the due june thread it seems to be fairly common )

I think you need to bite your tongue, let them do as they will until your LO arrives, then gradually re-establish boundaries for the boys sweet and being spoilt will not hurt them (in the long term, for another couple of weeks (you've done the biggest stretch) although from this perspective 2 weeks does feel like forever.

Your boys do know who mum i, this is a temporary blip in their life which tbh in a year or 2 they will struggle to remember.

You are being the best mum you can be atm!!!!

Good Luck and come back and off load here if you need too.....

PS I love my parents, but constant 24 interference form them would drive me mad too..

No I really cant wait for baby to aarive cause then I wont have to be babysat myself so to speak- cause I wont have the extra worry of another bleed. I can just get back on with life.
Maybe its just me feeling sorry for myself as im used to being so independant and I cant do as much now.
I completely agree that we would be lost without them DH would of had to quit work while I was in hospital. But its so frustrating that my own mum wont talk to me like other mums and daughters do and they dont appreciate how we bring our kids up.

I think you are been a little unreasonable .
I understand how frustrating it is to not be able to do your own thing in your own home atm but they do sound as though they are helping you a lot .
If you look at it from their point of view they are helping you out yet still have their own lifes and things that will need to be done in their home but they are putting you first which is really nice of them .
When you are all in the house on top of each other day after day you are going to get pissed off with it but I would be grateful.

yabu and you know that you are.

You are in difficult circumstances and that is making your judgement rubbish to be honest.

Your parents are trying their best and their ways are different to yours

Stop being so churlish
Give yourself a gentle shake and remember that not everyone would have parents kind enough to do this for then especially under the constant barrage of your criticism.

Soon you'll have your baby and hopefully will appreciate all things your parents have given up again to support you and your family.

YABU

Doris ikwym these last few weeks are really dragging now theres light at the end of the tunnel. nd hormones dont help the situation at all!! LOL

Can you afford hired help to do what your parents are doing?
If yes, then hire someone and let your parents take it easy.
If not, then thank your lucky stars that they are putting so much effort into their grandchildren.
Personally, I think YABVU.

I must admit Mel, it is a bit odd that your mum doesn't really talk to you and I think that would really get to me along with all the other gripes.

Does she not want to really be there with you, or has she always been like this?

You're on the home-stretch now, so try to stay calm and will that baby out!

I think YABabitU but I know exactly how you feel when I had dd I had emcs so had to have help for first 6 weeks. As much help as my parents were I felt they were taking over and controlling. I struggled to bite my tongue. You are lucky you can have this much help and just keep telling yourself that it is only another couple weeks ((hugs))

blardy hormones - have a lot to answer for, or at least that's what I keep telling DH.

If you're due June (or nearly June)come on over to the June thread where you can offload to your hearts content!

ronaldinhio- they dont have a constant barrage of critism at all just the things that are unacceptable, like if I tell my kids one thing-in front of them- I dont appreciate them completely ignoring what I said within seconds.
This will sound cruel but my mum hasnt really given up much TBH as she doesnt work and doesnt do a lot in her spare time and I havent once said im ungreatful for their help, I know theyve done alot for us all im trying to say is its so hard becuse they dont seem to appreciate how we would like certain things done. Especially now im home too and can take some of the weight off of them.

helsbels4- she has always been like that...she doesnt have a social life, not many friends, never goes out, no hobbies, etc.
Shes not very good in social situations, including with family. She giggles at everything even things/situations you dont laugh at- someone asked me before ifit was because shes nervous but I dont see how she can be nervous around her close family. You try and make conversation and the reply you get is 'yeah' even if youve not asked a yes/no question. It is very frustrating even when youve had it all your life.

Mel - YANBU, your parents are helping you alot, and you acknowledge and appreciate that. However, they do sound difficult to deal with and as though they are (prob unintentionally) causing you additional stress at a difficult time (am also 38 weeks pregnant). Just keep biting your tongue and daydream of not being pregnant anymore.... With any luck that will happen soon enough!

Hi Doris!

Blimey, that doesn't sound much fun. Is your dad as bad or could you have a word with him alone and tell him how hard you're finding things?

Apart from asking someone else to help out, I'm not sure what else you can do but hang on in there.

my dad is very set in his ways.... maybe I take after him too much lol (but - not good!!). he doesnt like being told hes doing something wrong and tends to stick up for my mum alot- but then he has a lot to say against her too!?

We tried getting my sister to help a bit but I think for her the novelty has worn off now, she doesnt have kids and dont think she will for a long time so I think she found it hard work. There isnt really anyone else to ask for help.
I dont like confrontation at all so I dont constantly tell them they are dong things wrong- to my DH annoyance and I dont want them to think i am ungreatful cause im really not.
All I can do is hang on in there....like I said i think its prob more hormones and stress.
But thanks for your opinions & help.

aaaw mel I can sympathise and you're right, at the moment you will have to suck it up so in saying that RELAX I know I know easier said than done. Give yourself a mantra, only three more weeks onlythree more weeks or whatever fits.
My mum came to stay when I had meningitis and she had my 4monthold ds with her in her room for over 3 weeks! Was really missing him and didn't know how to ask for hiim back but in the end she was the one who said do you want your baby back and I just collapsed with a yes please mum!
Also she has always been like yours, no conversation. I thought it was just her. It's stange isn't it.

Yanbu, I have it would seem a similar family. From the outside it seems like the grandparents are absolute saints making huge sacrifices for their grandchildren and being so helpful to you their daughter. And yes they are helpful and appreciated and welcome, but the stresses that they bring sometimes outweigh the help they give. Its a very hard balance and I can understand why you are so upset by this. Its bad enough feeling as tho you are not in control of you body - re potential bleed, but not being "allowed to be in control of your childrens routines" would top me off at 38 weeks.

Would it be worth working out which aspect is upsetting you most and tackling just that one aspect with them, might make you feel a bit more in control.

I know its hard but for example with your dc being put in the cot and your mum being the last to leave, how about asking her before you go to your dc's room if she would just pop her in the cot and sneak out as you would really like to settle your dc with a story once they are snuggled in their cot as you haven't had much one on one time lately.

Or could you pull the dp card and say your dp is worried about the amount of sweets their eating at the mo / that they aren't eating their tea?

I know you appreciate their help, it is a real feeling of ambivilance (sp?) when problems pop up, very stressful. On the one hand loving them so much for the help they give and on the other hating them for their interference. Until you've experienced it it seems trivial, but its not. Good luck.

ps when I had my 1st dc I effectivley lost my mum and gained a grandmother. My mum stopped talking to me on that day and is focussed at all times on my children if she visits. To the point that she will ask me a rare question and then walk away as I go to reply. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with our new relationship, its been pointed out to be by other family members over the years too so its not just my perception iykwim.

The point of posting on aibu is that other people can think you are being unreasonable

Exactly how put out would you have wanted your mother to have been to make you happy?

Blardy hell

right then.

I have been where you are.

not had placenta previa, but I have had a very bad pregnancy where I have been on bedrest for the last 14wks, and (in my case my in-laws) parents stepping into the gap.

it is hell.

your stress at your own limitations get you down.

plus hormones from being pregnant

plus 'mother-lioness- feelings towards your own older babies

plus the lack of control

plus frustrastions and boredom

it all adds up.

and then, 7yrs later (in my case), you can look back and know that it really truly was a short short time, the children don;t remember it, the in-laws never carried on the parenting of my children once I was able to take back over (in fact the seemed far too willing to hand back the reigns), and it really was NOT THAT BOG A DEAL.

you are soooooooo close to the end now, and your nesting instincts have kicked in (which is what I think has triggered this rant TBH) and it is all now 'just too much'.

but 2wks will give you baby

4wks at most will give you back your boys and your home.

tis not long.

suck it up, be thrilled that you had the help and not had to struggle, and try to breathe slowly while waiting waiting waiting.

Kitkat- yeah trying to tackle a main problem sounds like a good idea -worth giving it a go. might ease a bit of the stress. And your description of your mum sounds very familiar. Even though she has always been this way maybe ganing grandchildren changed the relationship more. I do completely understand what you mean.
Ronaldinhio- I appreciate that posting on here im gonna get m'netters who think I abu and those who dont. Just because im posting on here doesnt mean you have to disagree with me. I appreciate everyones opinion and I was just showing a bit more of an insight into how it really is for me as you can only say so much in 1 post.
Psychomum5- yeah in a way i think they will probably happily hand my boys back too. I know when I was in hospital they found it very tireing (sp?) as they had to stay til DH came home from work, thats why we tried to get my sis to help more so they could have earlier nights. Now they dont have to stay as late cause once the boys are settled they are very good and sleep til morning (ive prob just completely jinxed their good sleep habits now LOL).
I know in a few years it wont seem as bad as it does now. Just cant wait for baba -the waiting is bad enough when your pregnant without extra stress so maybe thats what it is more, knowing that soon ill have baby AND no need to rely on them anymore. Im inpatient at the best of times LOL.

You know, at first I thought you were bu, especially as i haven't got my mum around to help anymore and my dad never offers but I can really see where you're coming from. It would be totally different if your mum loved being with you and all but the whole set up seems a little strained from the sounds of it, so I do feel you

(You're still lucky to have them though!)

I think YABU
Your parents are doing you a MASSIVE favour.
They are looking after your two children pretty much full time for the last 12 weeks!
You say they arent giving up much to do it as they dont do a lot anyway and that attitude probably comes across to your parents hence the fact they dont chat nicely and seem to enjoy being with you all the time.
Looking after a 2 and 5 year old is tiring work and 100 x more tiring when you are older and not used to doing much!

I think you should suck it up and let them do things the way they want while they are in charge.
If there is something big that really matters to you then mention it BUT NOT in a nagging criticising way, more in a way of 'I really do appreciate everything you are doing for us, and I know I'm probably overreacting here with pregnancy hormones BUT would you mind not feeding them x,y and z while you are here?'

If you really cant bear to not have everything done exactly the way you want then you need to pay for professional childcare instead of having your parents do it all for free!

Whilst I appreciate you are in a difficult and frustrating situation at the moment, I thinh YABU.

You say...
"but my mum hasnt really given up much TBH as she doesnt work and doesnt do a lot in her spare time and I havent once said im ungreatful for their help, I know theyve done alot for us all im trying to say is its so hard becuse they dont seem to appreciate how we would like certain things done. "

she doesnt have a social life, not many friends, never goes out, no hobbies, etc.
Shes not very good in social situations, including with family. She giggles at everything even things/situations you dont laugh at- someone asked me before ifit was because shes nervous but I dont see how she can be nervous around her close family. You try and make conversation and the reply you get is 'yeah' even if youve not asked a yes/no question.

I think it sounds as if she doing her best and is probably in no doubt that you see her as not meeting your expectations in so many ways as a mother and as a person. I feel quite sad for her.