To tell my dad we won't help look after my disabled sister anymore, unless he helps my mum out more?

[Scrumplet]

My younger sister has learning disabilities. She lives on her own, but needs round-the-clock care. My parents are trying to get a good care package in place for her, but at the moment, my mum is there a lot, including every night. Mum is exhausted.

Dad asked me a few weeks ago if DS (nearly five) and I would stay at my sister's one night a week, to give my mum a break. We happily agreed. We stay the night before a carer comes the next morning, to take my sister out for the day - so Mum can have up to 24 hours to herself. I get quality time with my sister, and DS is lovely with her - so supportive. He got her up and made her breakfast today.

Here's the problem: on her most recent night off, Dad asked Mum to take him to the pub (this happens frequently), and then to drive out again to fetch him later on - breaking up her evening, and preventing an early night. Mum's shit at saying no (and I partly understand why, because Dad does a good line in guilt-tripping - she's going for the 'easy' life). So she took him and collected him. And then the next morning, Mum turned up at my sister's before we'd left for the school run, because a contractor was coming to the flat and someone needed to be there (while my sister was out with a carer). Mum left Dad at home, having a lie-in.

Now, as much as I'm happy doing this favour for my mum, it is a bit tiring - I'm a lone parent. But I don't mind helping though, if Mum is truly getting a break; that would make it worth it. But really, she isn't getting that much of a break, because Dad makes demands of her when she's not looking after my sister.

Would I be being unreasonable to say to my dad, "We will continue to give Mum a break once a week if you fulfill your side of the bargain, which means sorting your own transport to and from the pub on these nights, and getting up the next morning if someone's required to be at the flat?"

I think what you're asking sounds reasonable.

Couldn't your dad stay everyone so often to help look after your sister.

In fairness to Dad, shineon, he takes care of the paperwork side of things (care plan, budget, etc), and I know is spending a lot of time on this at the moment. So he's entitled to a break too. But there are things called taxis, which can transport frazzled men to pubs!

Mum and Dad really do know their stuff WRT to what funding my sister is entitled to - I feel for families who don't understand the system so well, TBH, because it still seems mightily longwinded and complicated for those in the know. So in short, this can't be made any quicker.

I'm not that optimistic about him complying, either, and I fully expect to get an earful if I make a stand. Still, it was him who asked us to give Mum a break. If he meant a break, he can help make it one by not placing demands/expectations on Mum in that time. Bloody parents ...

YANBU but if your mum can't say no and your dad can't see he is being completely unreasonable, I am not sure what more you can do.

Maybe you could do 2 nights so your dad and mum can have a night each?

Lovemyshoes, I think it'd be better if the two of them swapped nights, too. Dad doesn't do mornings though - he lies in every day - so again, compliance will be an issue here. We're talking about a relationship with an unhealthy balance of power at the best of times.

Mum has had a cold over the past week. Instead of Dad saying to Mum, "You stay at home and rest up, and I'll stay at the flat for a few nights," he kept well away so he didn't catch it (sometimes they stay there together).

DS and I have passionate chats about the ethics of their relationship dynamic, and I keep telling him to look instead at how respectful X and Y are in their relationship! Mum and Dad set a crap example, and I think DS knows it. Phew.

I will say something to Dad over the weekend.

Is there room for your mother to to stay at your sister's the night you and ds are there?

You could pretend you need the help and then let your mother rest away from her selfish husband.

Fabulous, Dad effectively has a night off every night, because he rarely goes round to the flat, and only if Mum's there too (and she'll get up in the morning). Two nights at my sister's would be pushing it, because DS also has one or two nights with his dad each week - he'd be at home less than half the time. I'm trying to strike a balance between helping my family and achieving some stability for DS. Thanks for suggestions though.

Ooh, skidoodle, that's a thought. There is a fold-up bed. Will give that some thought.

You know, the more I write on this thread, the more I realise we are in a way enabling Dad's unsupportiveness. Really, he could give Mum a night off by offering to stay with my sister this one night a week. Instead, we go, and she ferries him to the pub.

Still, on the plus side, DS and I have lovely one-to-one time with my sister.

Scrumplet

The uncharitable part of me thinks your Dad arranged things so he could have at least one night a week with his wife at his beck and call. You're doing him the favour, not her.

But now that you've established your one night a week you could manipulate the situation to your mum's advantage.

I totally agree that you dad is being selfish scrumplet.
But I don't think accusing him of making more work for your mum is the best way to go. In his mind he probably does his fair share by doing the paper work etc. I can't imagine he will take that accusation well and your mum will probably bear the brunt of that.
Why don't you get him on side, say you are worried about mum, she seems so tired with her cold and needs a good night sleep. Hopefully his response will bring up a chance to mention not picking him up from the pub or you can then suggest he gets up early some mornings.

I just meant if you cover two nights your dad could have his lift on one night and your mum a free night the other one.

If she covers two nights the Dad will get lifts both nights, I'll wager

why not do it to help you sister

Hmm. ingles2, I think you're being admirably gracious, and TBH I don't feel it! The thing is, this isn't a one-off glitch. Dad expects asks Mum to take him to and fetch him from the pub several nights a week (maybe three). He spends a few hours a day on the paperwork side of things relating to my sister, my mum spends hours at the flat, popping back to her house to fetch fresh clothes and do a bit of washing, etc. Dad is old school; chauvinistic - he pursues all his interests with gusto, and expects Mum to do all the housework and running around.

Ah, I'm a bit ranty and hormonal today! In short, Dad's behaviour on Mum's night off is part of an entrenched, wider-reaching pattern of behaviour - on both their parts, TBH. As much as I hate it, I can't put a stop to most of it, but I think in this instance - because we are involved in it - I can.

skidoodle - you've sussed how it works!

2Shoesy - fair point. I think I said earlier that the redeeming plus of the situation, even if Mum's not getting much of a break, is that we get quality time with my sister. I do feel angry with Dad (and Mum a bit, too) though, and sad for Mum.

I'm not meaning to be gracious as I think I recognise the kind of man he is.
Coming down hard has never worked ime.
I've tried this with my own father. He gets peed of that I've challenged him, he takes it out on mum and the situation stays the same or gets worse.
So what I'm trying to suggest (probably badly) is that you play the guilt card and try and get him onside whilst thinking its his own idea.
Unfortunately he won't change the pattern of a lifetime, that has been reinforced by your mum for a quiet life, overnight.

YANBU. I think the idea that your mum stays too, while you're there, is great! You get some time with your mum.

Your dad can book the taxi himself!

What a difficult situation

YANBU, however, be careful not to call your bluff on this one. If you put that statement forward, and your dad says no, or does not, are you ready/willing to stop helping your sister out like you said you would do if your dad did not pull his weight?

You sound like a wonderful person BTW

Scrumplet

What your ds like at night.

If he sleeps say from 7 to 7 could your mum stay at yours looking after your ds, but mainly resting and having her own time.

Was going to suggest you mum housesits your place while you're at sisters. Maybe dont tell |Dad this is the case so he cant then guilt trip her