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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DH taking the piss?

26 replies

ilove · 21/05/2009 16:12

I've lost a LOT of weight over the last 18 months, around 11 stones. The younger children don't really remember me being big.

Yesterday DH was clearing stuff out of the garage and he and DS (10) found some old photos of me, they aren't flattering but at the time they were taken (eldests son's christening, so 17 years ago) I thought I looked ok.

Anyway last night we went out for a meal to celebrate our eldest passinghis driving test. 10 year old was saying that they had found these photos, and then DH was nudging him saying "tell Mum what she looked like" and laughing. 10 yesr old was then, embarassedly, laughing and pointing at me saying "you were really fat".

I looked at DH and said "so did I not look ok then" and he, sniggering, said "god no".

Now, he wasn't my DH at the time BUT when I met him I was just as big, and was very big for the first 14 years of us being together (been together 15 + years now).

I feel, now, as though I was never good enough to start with for him, and him sniggering at me in the middle of a restaurant has really knocked me for six.

I said to him later, that yes, I know the CHILDREN are boundto find old photos of me "funny" because I look so different now. But HE ought to be saying "Yes Mum was fat, but hasn't she done well and doesn't she look fab now. We're really proud of her aren't we".

So, am I being precious and spoilt and silly to feel hurt? I actually feel like saying to him that if I was such an article of ridicule then, and am now sexy and acceptable, tough shit and I'll find someone who can appreciate the effort I've put in.

Humph.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:13

Oh, he says I'm being childish by being upset

OP posts:
Lulumama · 21/05/2009 16:15

YANBU

he must have found you attractive when you were bigger, to get married and have childrem with you

i wonder if he feels threatened or out of kilter now by the huge change in you and does not know how to react?

maybe he is worried now that you are potentially more attractive i.e what society deesms attractive.. that you will find someone else?

not sure what he could be thinking by mocking you and getting teh children involved in being rude about yuo

it is hardly supoprtive and in recognition of your efforts

very well done though, that is an amazing weight loss

Hassled · 21/05/2009 16:16

You're not being childish - he was behaving like he's about 6. Giggling in a restaurant about how fat someone used to be is just pathetic. Quite how you make him understand that though, I don't know.

And well done for the weight loss - 11 stone is just staggering, and must have taken real guts and determination.

Uriel · 21/05/2009 16:16

No, he was being childish by laughing at you and worse, getting ds to laugh at you too.

It was a hurtful and unnecessary thing to say. [hug]

needahand · 21/05/2009 16:17

YANBU. And yes you should be proud because you have done so well. And no, I don't think his behaviour is acceptable.
Even better on you to have lost all that weight with (what it seems) little support.

bigbellylady · 21/05/2009 16:17

wow - well done and how did you do it ?

He would not have married you if he did not find you attractive.

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 16:18

Well done for losing that much weight! It must have been really hard and you and your whole family should be really proud of you.

You are not being in the least unreasonable. Your husband is being an idiot. Do you think that he's insecure about you feeling sexy and confident?

HuwEdwards · 21/05/2009 16:19

11 stones???

First of all, WELL DONE YOU!

I think your DH is being childish and maybe thinks he's being your Ds' 'pal' by sniggering with him. His comments may also be his ill-conceived way of trying to guard you against putting the weight back on. Maybe the new you makes him feel a bit insecure. I mean, 11 stones is a viable weight in itself so when you were your previous size he probably felt very secure. Maybe he doesn't now?

Either way it's his problem. Don't get bogged down with it, but your reaction is perfectly normal I would feel the same, tell the silly bugger to grow up.

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:20

That's what I don't understand...he has been BRILLIANT while I have been losing the weight (I've done it with Lighter Life, and don't have much left to lose now).

He has been really supportive which is why I don't understand his stupidity last night...maybe I'm just being over-sensitive? Maybe he is worried that I'll meet someone else? Who knows?

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RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 16:20

He should know better - especially as you say he's lost weight too.

Unbelievable twunt!

I've just called someone's SIL a twunt on another thread. Feel it's my word du jour.

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:21

He hasn't lost weight...he's never needed to.

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RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 16:23

Stupid me - read it as 'he was just as big'.

He's still a twunt!

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:27

I just know I don't feel like having him anywhere near me now

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RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 16:28

Then don't. Fucker.

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 16:29

Does he realise what a big thing for you emotionally it is to have lost so much weight?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/05/2009 16:35

He's been an idiot. What he's done is sooo childish, and it's disrespectful to encourage your children to laugh at you.

He maybe IS worried that you will leave him and find someone else, but if he's going to behave like that then who could blame you and he'd only have himself to thank.

I would raise it with him again and try to get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:41

I might just leave the link to this thread in his email. Or not. Maybe he is accusing me of being childish because HE is embarassed by his behaviour?

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 16:46

"I feel, now, as though I was never good enough to start with for him, and him sniggering at me in the middle of a restaurant has really knocked me for six.

I said to him later, that yes, I know the CHILDREN are boundto find old photos of me "funny" because I look so different now. But HE ought to be saying "Yes Mum was fat, but hasn't she done well and doesn't she look fab now. We're really proud of her aren't we"."

Maybe not the link to this thread. But if you can find a way to say what you said above without shouting or crying (v hard, I know), maybe he'll understand how much he's hurt you?

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 16:48

No, I haven't shouted or cried...it's a deeper "hurt" than that if that makes sense? I haven't lost weight for ANYONE other than myself, he has always wanted me to lose weight and used to nag me about it, but until I was ready there was no way I was going to succeed.

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RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 17:47

I'm struggling to lose TWO stone! What you've done is bloody amazing. Well done you.

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 17:57

Thankyou.

I will have it out with him, but not today or tomorrow. Today he has spent the day waiting for the test match to start at Headingly (he and friends had tickets, I dropped them off this morning) and they've now gone to play pool as it was abandoned, and tomororw I'm at the breast clinic at the hospital for results of a scan. So I'm maybe being emotional and hoemonal and taking it a bit too seriously.

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Trikken · 21/05/2009 17:58

I wud be hurt at that comment too. He probably didnt mean to hurt your feelings but men can be very unsensitive at times. He obviously loves you, the whole of you as a person but can see how much more confident you are now. As everyone has said you are amazing for losing that much weight. Dont let it knock you for six, just be proud of what you have done for yourself, you've done really well.

Original poster
ilove · 21/05/2009 18:00

Thanks Trikken. I am proud of myself, I still have wobbles as the fat ilove is still in my head...don't recognise myself in windows/mirrors etc, but I'm getting there

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wannaBe · 21/05/2009 18:18

11 stone is a massive achievement and you should feel justifyably proud of yourself.

As for your dh, I think there are two possibilities here -

Either he feels threatened by your new image and confidence and is insecure over it wondering whether other men will now find you attractive and not knowing how to deal with that.

Or could it be that he is taking the piss in order to motivate you into keeping the weight off? I know that sounds odd but men so often just don't get it.

I had a slightly similar issue with my dh recently. I am overweight, not grossly but enough to warrant the need to lose some, and dh would constantly take the piss. If I said I was going on a diet he would say things like "oh yes, you're on a diet, ha ha, another bar of chocolate dear?" in front of people which really, really got on my nerves. So when he said something in front of my parents I had a real go at him when we got home and asked why he felt the need to make constant snide comments about me and my weight to which he responded that he was only trying to motivate me. to which I replied that that was obviously bollocks and that he should just come out and say if he has a problem with my weight because clearly he does. He never did it again.

I would just have it out with him tbh, and perhaps even tell him that if he goes on you will lose your confidence which might even cause you to regain the weight. Or maybe you'll go and find someone who will apreciate you.

Original poster
ilove · 22/05/2009 08:31

WannaBe, I think what you've said makes most sense. I know I need to have it out with him, HE knows I am upset but doesn't seem to know why...I suppose to him it is no big deal therefore he can't work out why I'm "sulking"

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