to have said no to my dad?

[OrmIrian]

I have elderly parents (late 70s) who are still active but beginning to get frail, Dad has an enlarged heart and is on warfarin, mum suffers from bad arthritis and has kidney problems. They have always been very involved in looking after my DC - one day a week before they started school, now they are all at school they pick them up on Wednesday and take them back to their house and I go after work and have dinner with them.

Until DH started working as an teaching assistant they also used to have them all for a few days over the school holidays but obviously that isn't necessary now and over the last few years I have reduced the days they go there as I can see how it tires them. But dad seems to think they can carry on as before - taking them all out for the day. My DC exhaust them after a few hours. Dad suggested taking all three of them to the Bath and West show - in case anyone doesn't know B&W is a massive agricultural show with loads of other stuff going on - it involves a great deal of walking, crowds, nowhere to sit down, and it can leave anyone wiped out. I can't think of anything more nightmarish with my kids who all want to do different things. Not to mention it will cost a fortune and I can't really afford to contribute much atm.

So I told dad that I didn't think it was such a good idea. And he was disappointed. He looked quite sad. And I felt bad because I know he misses doing things with the children like he did when he was young.

Was it really unreasonable to say that? Should I have left it up to them? Problem is that dad won't accept his increasing frailty - gp has told him to slow down but he won't. My mum agreed with me but apparently he took no notice of . Should I have minded my own business?

I think you are right. Yes he was sad, but he can't go on sticking his fingers in his ears and going lalala. This does sound like a major expedition.

Is there anything smaller scale you could suggest instead that wouldn't make him feel too compromised? (Difficult I know)

I think your reasons are genuine but that doesn't alter the fact your Dad feels like he isn't good enough anymore. Men quite often won't accept they are getting older and may need to change the way they live their lives.

Could you go with them? Comprimise on how long they go for?

If you did let your Dad carry on as before, what would actually happen? (I have no experience of your parents ailments so apolgies if being thick)

agree with katisha, make sure he knows you still want him to help, but that you think this particular trip would be too much for anyone. Is he the type to get the hump and never let you forget it?

I am with Shineon.

This is the sort of thing that keeps grandparents going - gives then purpose.

YANBU on several fronts. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

How old are your kids? Could they cope if there was a problem with one of your parents? I'd also worry about children running off and your parents being too frail to run after them if your kids are very young.

What about suggesting a smaller show or different venue which is cheaper or nearer to you so you'd feel more comfortable with the idea?

No songbird, he doesn't carry grudges.

I can't go with unfortunately. I'm working that day and can't get out of it. Dh could but I suspect won't much want to.

I have a few alternative suggestions to make, less tiring but just as much fun,

Not unreasonable at all. My dad is in his seventies too. He is very busy and perky but he has had several heart by passes. He is great with DD (21months) but I would never ask him to do too much for her or me either even though he is willing. My dad too wont accept he's getting to be an old fella now.
Maybe gently suggest an alternative day your dad cane bring them out which is not so strenuous or expensive and explain to your dad you dont want for him to take on too much because you worry and care about him.

I would leave it up to him, and have a quiet word with your mum - and let them go on the condition that they go when it gets too much. And of course yell the dc's that they may have to go early

OrmIrian - YANBU. An agricultural show like that is a very hard day out. It will be tiring for the kids and very tiring for your Dad. Perhaps you could suggest somethng else he could do hat is easier for him.

FIL is just the same. We want him to stop driving but he will not. Now he is too dangerous to let the kids go with him.

Oh my mum was like that, and she'd had major heart attack 'n' everything. Now she's in her 80s she knows she can't do what she used to, but it's taken some time. sFIL is the same and it's not safe putting dd in the car with him but will he stop? Will he hell.

Alternatives which are less tiring, have more seats and are fun in a different way are the order of the day here. If necessary, make up some reason why you don't want your kids to go to the show (something completely nonsensical and probably ridiculously pc, which will just make him think you are going through a difficult time atm so he won't argue much!)

Thanks for all your responses.

I have thought of an alternative which I know they would all love.

The stupid thing is that my parents have a massive garden with woods and a paddock and a pond. They are all very happy just let loose in the garden for a few hours but my parents don't seem to understand that. They think they need 'entertaining'. If it was my garden I suspect I'd not see the DC for days at a time

If it were my garden no one would see me for days at a time!

If it were my garden I think I'd run away jux It is so much work! I don't know how they keep on top of it. But tis very very lovely.