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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to having a present 'reallocated' by DH

23 replies

pantshavenames · 21/05/2009 11:05

We went on holiday recently and my mum gave me a check for £50 to spend on myself- because she 'knows how hard it can be as a SAHM with no money of your own'. Now the basic premise of that is false- in that my DH and I have always allocated pocket money (for want of a better word) out of the joint account, so I have money that I don't have to be accountable for, and she knows that really. But DH said that it was unfair of me to spend it on myself and I had to spend it on the family while on holiday. I thought he was just having a moment because he was pissed off at my mum but then we were having a meal and he turned to me when the bill came and said 'you can get this then'. So I did, mainly I think because he said it like it was so reasonable I thought it must be.
But it's really started to niggle at me. Why couldn't I have it? I've never pretended to my mother that I live with Scrooge but she tries to do a nice thing with money she could easily do something for herself with and.... it feels like she was saying, 'it's hard work being a mum, here's a treat' and DH has said, 'well actually, you just haven't earned it yet, baby'
Does that make sense?

OP posts:

MarlaSinger · 21/05/2009 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlotteolivia · 21/05/2009 11:08

thats ridiculous!
do you not pay for meals out out of the joint a/c?

MichelleObama · 21/05/2009 11:10

YANBU. Your mum gave you the money to spend on yourself. If my PIL gave DH something for himself I would expect him to do exactly that, spend it on CDs or books or whatever, not buy the family a meal.

staryeyed · 21/05/2009 11:11

He was mean to begrudge you £50 given to you to spend on yourself. If it was thousands maybe I would understand his problem but £50?!

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 21/05/2009 11:11

YA so NBU, the money was given to you, and you should spend it how you wish.

wolfnipplechips · 21/05/2009 11:12

YANBU at all, last week was my birthday my parents gave me £200 for the very same reason as you mention.

Things are a bit tight at the moment and i spend some of it on housekeeping but my dh replaced it all yesterday. I feel a little guilty because he hardly ever buys anything for himself and his parents regularly give him cash but its his choice to throw it into the pot, it makes him more stressed to be broke and i buy him clothes etc when i can he really isn't bothered about things like that where as not buying myself nice things is the biggest downside to not working FT and does sometimes make me .

You need to talk to him about it.If it was the other way round what would you have made him do.

ChampagneDahling · 21/05/2009 11:12

I totally agree with WTWTW. YANBU so there.

Flame · 21/05/2009 11:13

That was crap

It was a present for you to spend as you wanted ON you. I bet your mum would be miffed too.

poshwellies · 21/05/2009 11:42

'well actually, you just haven't earned it yet, baby'

I would of stabbed him in the eye for that little outburst

purpleduck · 21/05/2009 11:51

How lovely of your mum

and yes it was mean of your dh.
It was a gift YOUR gift!

readyfornumber2and3 · 21/05/2009 11:56

YANBU
DP and I have an agreement in place that any Birthday money we recieve is not part of the pot and can be spent on what we want.

We are just sorting out a joint account (after nearly 5 years lol) and will like you have "pocket money" but the Birthday money will still be extra.

If your Mum had bought you an actual present would he have expected you to sell it and put the money in a pot? If not then why should he treat a monetary present as different?

Take the £50 out of your joint account,treat yourself to what you want and tell him to grow up!!!

HuffwardlyRudge · 21/05/2009 12:20

So if your mum had bought you a dress would he have insisted on wearing it too?

nametaken · 21/05/2009 12:31

YANBU - I 100% understand where you're coming from when you say say your dh thinks you haven't earned it - for a long time, my dh had that sort of mentality.

Fair enough, if you wanted to buy the family a meal but to be having a meal out and then being told by your dh that you will be paying for the meal out of your birthday money is nasty. Ask him did he enjoy your birthday present?

I think sometimes people just don't realise how thoughtless they are. Point it out to him, nicely, and when you're calm.

nametaken · 21/05/2009 12:33

Sorry, not birthday money, but it's stil your money anyway.

Next time, don't tell him.

Frasersmum123 · 21/05/2009 13:26

YANBU - your DH is probably just jealous of your fabby mum!

MadameCastafiore · 21/05/2009 13:29

I would be out buying shoes from the joint account within the hour if DH did that to me, and they would be LK Bennett not cheapy ones - that would teach him a lesson - he is beong totally unreasonable!

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 13:44

I disagree - I think maybe you're both being a bit unreasonable. The premise of your mum's gift is actually quite insulting to your DH, suggesting that he is withholding money from you, which you've said isn't the case.

My DH is a SAHD, and I work full time. We don't have allocated spending money, but we both have full access to our joint account. If his parents gave him some money "because it must be hard not having any money for yourself", I'd be quite annoyed.

Maybe your DH thought that by accepting the cheque, you were agreeing with the implied criticism? Maybe him saying that you should pay for the meal was a clumsy way of sticking up for himself?

purpleduck · 21/05/2009 14:02

Yes, but her mum was trying to do something nice for HER dd, and perhaps the "having no money for yourself" bit was her frame of reference.
No matter why the gift was given, it was given with god intentions, and was the op's.

Original poster

pantshavenames · 21/05/2009 14:21

I think he does feel that maybe my mum was criticising him and that's why he's got cross because this is not what he is normally like about money. Although it is always the case that he has periodic freak outs about being on the bread line and they are worse while he is earning the sole income. My mum, while in all other respects is a 'traditional' wife and mother has a serious issue with her lack of financial independance since she retired and that's more what this is about.
But... if you are unhappy with the motive behind the gift surely you shouldn't allow the gift to buy you wine and a pizza?

OP posts:

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 15:25

It doesn't sound like he handled it well. But it maybe needs a chat about whether he's offended or generally stressed about cash, rather than a demand for a new handbag

NormaSknockers · 21/05/2009 15:30

YANBU!

You had every right to spend that on YOU - he was out of order for guilting you into paying for the meal out of that money.

Loving Huffs reply

peppapighastakenovermylife · 21/05/2009 15:49

Well the way I see it it is your money - if his parents had given him some for his birthday then that would be his money. For example - she could have got you a necklace / some flowers / a new dress (insert whatever present you want that wouldnt be shared with the family) and then you would have 'benefited' from that gift (wrong word but you know what I mean). By giving you money to choose something yourself it is the same as that and not to be shared automatically.

Even though we are not particularly short of money and we both work full time I still relish those small birthday gifts as they are for me to spend without guilt. Similarly DH can buy whatever he wanted with his.

He is being insensitive and an idiot. Sorry.

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2009 16:26

But if the OP's mum had given her eg a necklace "because you never have anything nice" rather than just "because I thought you'd really like this", then I think her DH would still be somewhat justified in being annoyed. For me, it would be the sentiment, rather than the money.

Flip