to not want my dc's to spend time with my nephew

[liahgen]

Background.

Bil lives with partner, boy in question is her 14 yr old son, they recently got engaged, hence reference to nephew, one day.

Said child has been expelled from school recently, (permanently) for setting fire to the grounds. Before this he has been excluded for stealing from teachers, fellow pupils, fighting, general misbehaviour, and recently had a formal caution from the police for ratial abuse, (he and a pal attacked an asian womans house calling her a paki)

My mil is staying at their house due to waiting for her house sale to go through, she has had money taken from her purse, and cigarettes from her area in the room she sleeps in. My sil, said, "oh DS is a little git), or words to that effect. He steals from her and my bil too. He has also taken stuff from my house before, I don't leave him unsupervised in mine now though.

He has no friends cos he's very agressive and violent, he's destructive, and even hit his 3 yr old sister in the mouth with a paintbrush the other day while i was there. She was really crying and sil sat on her arse and said nothing, this after she had smacked him ten minutes earlier for leaving his room, (he wasn't allowed out cos he was grounded).

Sil knows there is a problem, she has had him tested for Adhd and stuff but he's fine. After the fire incident.she has taken him to docs, where upon being questioned as to how he feels when he is hurting people and things, he told the doctor it makes him feel excited

Now AIBU for thinking this is just sa step too far? I don't like or trust him, and will be keeping my dc's away from him from now on.

Be gentle with me, only 2nd ever AIBU,

Maybe this is more of a WWYD

YANBU. Erm, yes, I'd avoid leaving my DCs alone with him at all costs at the very least.

What's up with the nephew do you think? It sounds terrible what he's doing. Has he been through lots of crap himself?

his mum says he's always been " a Nightmare". I've only know him since she and bil got together about 4 and half years ago.

His dad sees him and his younger bro, (10 yrs) on a regular basis but his mums family is a bit full on. (brother into drugs, sister banned from parents home, there's always some stuff going on)

I mean it scared me tbh, and I don't freak easily, (been there, seen lots iykwim) but I genuinely think he has a real problem. Sil said she's gonna try and get him councilling, (she hasn't even though I gave her phone number of Relateen) but I think he's more in need of a phycaiatrist(sp)

yabr. the boy needs to be referred to anger management or some such. if the sil doesnt sort something out for him, he will become a serious menace to society 9etc , not sure how to phrase what i mean. but basically, he needs help;

yeah i agree Stitch. Maybe she is in denial. At the moment she is a bit caught up in the arrival of her friends baby so is not paying much attention to home, maybe the baby obsession is a hiding place if that makes sense.

Some days he'd do anything for you, if you asked him to go to shop, he'd go, no arguments.

Her attitude to the decision to place him in another school, If indeed school will take him was met with, "oh well if they don't what can I do, he'll become what he'll become then won't he?"

very sad i think, accident waiting to happen

YANBU, however that poor boy.

WTF is the mother thinking. He obviously needs help.

I get so sick of people trying to label chidren with a variety of disorders as it takes the blame and responsibilty from the parents (well what can I do he has........) - and also reduces the seriousness of those children (and their families) who really do have problems and require all the help they can get.

This boy also needs help but it sounds like his mum won;t do anything about it - no doubt it will be the schools fault when he's older and done something really bad.

oh it's already the schools fault nann. On his last exclusion with the warning that the next one would be permanent,she was shouting that she wanted him out of that school anyway.

I get so angry with her tbh, but she doesn't listen. You can tell when she's not listening cos her stock response is, "yeah I know".

Bil is no help either, he wants to send him to boarding school. (what so he can set fire to that too?) I said that's just giving someone else the problem not solving it, or attempting to imo.

If this were my dc I would be searching high and low for some answers.

I know its difficult but could you offer him sanctuary on the condition that he abides by your house rules. It sounds as though he is crying out for attention and nooneis giving it to him, well not the loving, caring kind anyway.

Maybe if he sees how a loving family works - I don;t mean him move in with you, just come round fo rvisits, however I realsie that is going against what you originally said about not wanting your children to see him.

Sorry not sure what else to suggest.

nann I can see your point and having 5 dc's myself, if this was one of my own I would want someone to be there for them. however I just can't, won't risk it tbh. His parents should look after him and get him some help.

Am gonna sit her down and try and get her to talk to me i think, don't know what else to do really.

thanks for responses.

Poor, poor boy. Children don't just end up that way. Upbringing dictates it.

Does anyone actually spend time with him? What about your DH. Could he become a positive role model? A day trip or two. Why is your BIL not fostering that role?

In answer to your question; I wouldn't leave your DCs alone with him but maybe invent little jobs he could do for you. The 3 Rs thingy-Rights, Responsibility and Respect.

Sorry,I know thatwasn't what you asked and technically he isn't your responsibility but who else does this kid have? Whatchance does he have if he carries on down his current path?

He sounds a bit scary. I'd keep my kids away unsupervised and think bil must be very much in love to take this lad on.
My kids don't see that much of their cousins anyway.

I would keep my children away from him tbh.

thanks for replies ladies

my dc's don't actually see him that much tbh as I usually go over there during week with little ones, (2 and 4) to see sil and my niece, (3)

2Rebecca, not sure he is tbh, he's admitted himself he wants what my dh has, ie loving, normal family. They haven't slept together since last July, but that's a whole other thread.

I know he needs help, but I'm not the person to give it. My dh is not in a position to give him any time, he commutes daily, and he is rarely home to see his own children before they are asleep let alone spend quality time with someone elses' . I realise that might make me sound selfish but we have 5 dc's of our own, with a teen struggling to accept her own issues about her own absent father. It's too much for us.

Maybe dh could try and have a chat to his bro about it.

cant his father take him?

I liked myredcardigans idea.

You are right he is not your responsibility and no one would have a go at you if you didn;t take on any kind of supportive role, however if this boy doens't get nay kind of help what hope is there for him.

If you are unable to help him - as I said totally understandable, then I think you should get in touch with some kind of organisation who can help him.

Please don't take this the wrong way liahgen - this is not directed towrds you, just our society in general. I think we can all be very quick to judge children / young adults who are aggressive, violent troublemakers but as myredcardigan said, someone made him that way and whilst we all say its not our responsibility, nothing changes.

As I said liahgen, this was not a dig at you, you obviously do care enough to ask for some advice, I hope for this boys sake you are able to make his mother see that there is a problem and the he needs help.