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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up

40 replies

Giveup · 20/05/2009 17:11

Name changed, not that I'm particularly a regular but my name does kind of give me away to people who know me.

I have a ds who is 3 and who I love more than anything. I live with my dad, who has dementia, so care for him, work p/t and am completely and utterly on my own.

I have no friends now, since dad became ill they all ran for the hills.

SS are trying to help with dad, but short of putting him into a care home, which would leave me and my ds homeless, there's not a lot more resources they can throw at me.

They've offered respite on a Saturday, but they can't pick up till 10. My one social activity is Saturday morning at 9 so I would have to give it up, leaving me even more isolated.

My ds's life is crap. He'll never be able to have friends round, never be able to do after school activities (when he starts), he's never been to a party, I can't take him swimming etc coz I can't leave dad on his own.

I'm beginning to feel the only option is to speak to ss about my ds. He deserves so much better than the constant shouting (I'm not a good carer), the blame he gets from my dad ALL the time for the smallest thing, the fact that I hate being here so much that most of the time I'm crying. He doesnt even notice now. It's just the norm.

OP posts:

procrastinatingparent · 20/05/2009 17:14

I'm so sorry. This sounds really really awful.

Is there any way you can avoid being made homeless if your father goes into a care home?

Doodle2U · 20/05/2009 17:15

No! That is not your only option. There is more help available. I just know there has to be.

Have you spoken to the Alzeimers association? They have abranch at the end of my road. i can go in tomorrow and ask them what and how they can help.

Lulumama · 20/05/2009 17:18

surely SS woul;d have an obligation to house you if you became homeless? are you on benefits at all? income support?

i would see if you can get a social worker for all of you, you are all vulnerable

your DS needs you and you need to be able to work towards a future with him.

Lizzylou · 20/05/2009 17:24

Goodness, poor you, you have such a lot on your plate.
There has to be more help for you, there just has to be.
Why would you be homeless if your Dad went into a Care home (sorry if this is a stupid question)?
Is there anything else you can do on a Saturday?
Surely they should provide more help, especially with a toddler in the house?

craftynclothy · 20/05/2009 17:26

that they aren't doing more for you.

What about Homestart - they can get someone to come round for a couple of hours a week (even if it's just for coffee and a chat it would be some company for you)

Original poster

Giveup · 20/05/2009 17:31

Thanks all of you for replying, It never ceases to be amaze me how kind people can be - just having some sympathy means so much - god I'm pathetic

Basically they would use dads house as an asset for care. There is a possiblity that I would be able to defer payments but I won't know that until I start the ball rolling. If they wont do that then I would get crisis accomodation (which according to the local council would be a b&b, and could be anywhere in a 15 mile radius of where I currently live and work - i don't drive). This is my family home. I pay all the bills, take care of it, my mum died in it, I grew up in it, it sounds so shallow but its my home

It's taken me 7 months of crying at various ss employees to get dad a social worker. It appears that adult service and children's services NEVER speak to each other. Dad's social worker is really nice and does try to help but it's so difficult.

Tbh I have given up. I'm so sick of talking to 'professionals'. I just work on auto pilot now from the moment I get up (about 5.30 courtesy of ds) till the moment I get dad to bed (on a good day about 1.30am)

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 20/05/2009 17:31

Not much time now to reply, but here are two organisations that will be able to help

SeniorLine (run by Age Concern and help the Aged) will be able to give advice on the financial aspects of care etc

Tel : 0808 8006565

The Alzheimers Society (alzheimers.org.uk) will be able to provide advice and support. Their website has a talkboard as well. Maybe go on there right now?

I really feel for you. This is an incredibly stressful experience for you, and I can only imagine how hard it must be with a young child.

I will try and come back a bit later

screamingabdab · 20/05/2009 17:33

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC (sorry, I feel strongly)

mosschops30 · 20/05/2009 17:34

Is the house in your name?

BalloonSlayer · 20/05/2009 17:37

I am trying to think of advice to post because I feel certain that you would not need to be made homeless, but I have no proof.

Will try to find out something.

Original poster

Giveup · 20/05/2009 17:40

No, house is my dads. Guess you just never expect something like this to happen so quickly. That you'll have time to sort things out. It took about 2 weeks for dads dementia to take hold, one day doing the Times crossword, two weeks later not knowing what day it is.

I just really feel that I'm not doing the best I can for anyone. Dads not happy. I shout at him all the time - I know he can't help it, it's just so frustrating. If i read in an article about someone saying the things I say to him I would be appalled.

I take it out on ds too, shout at him for no reason. Withdraw my affection (which is so so much worse). He doesnt understand.

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 20/05/2009 17:40

Goodness, that is awful, they would take the house against cost of care?
But you live there, he has dependants, surely that isn't right?
Could you get to the CAB? Get a Mental Health Solicitor (for free)? There has to be a way round this.

No, you are far from pathetic, you are in a very difficult situation and trying to be a good daughter and Mother. It must be really so hard for you.

Twinklenips · 20/05/2009 17:45

Crossroads is great for carers, contact them to see if they can help.

www.crossroads.org.uk/index.php?mid=2&pgid=20

BalloonSlayer · 20/05/2009 17:46

I can see what you mean about the house

You would have 12 weeks before payment was required. Has your Dad any savings?

What about renting locally for yourself and DS?

When you talk about speaking to SS about DS, what do you mean?

lisylisylou · 20/05/2009 17:59

Wow, I think I would try to find some support for you first. There's a support group on the internet related to dementia just for people to talk to who can relate to what you are going through. This is a good website www.alzheimers.org.uk. They've got a good forum and someone's asking roughly the same about the property issue.

As for withdrawing and shouting. I think whenever, we're stressed we all shout - you are in one of the hardest situations being a carer for two people in the house at different ages. You can't feel bad not in this situation.

I know I've not been very helpful but I really feel for you.

Weegiemum · 20/05/2009 18:02

Can you talk to the GP about getting more help - sometimes a letter/call from a doctor can speed things along, and you certainly sound pretty stressed by all this, which is something they can help with.

Do you have a decent HV? They could also speak up for you and help in finding respite care etc?

What about Mumsnetters locally to you?

Queenoftheharpies · 20/05/2009 18:02

That's awful.

Giveup, where do you live?

Original poster

Giveup · 20/05/2009 18:04

Thanks for all the links - I'll have a look when I have a minute.

I have sort of looked at private renting, unfortunately 99% of the houses where I live will not accept HB, and I would need to claim that, I don't earn anywhere near enough to pay for rent.

It just breaks my heart to think I'll never be in this house again. I get so angry with myself, it's only a house and there's so many other things I could/should be worrying about.

The only good thing to come out of this is that at the ripe old age of 35 I have now had a will written. I would NEVER want my ds to have to go through this

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 20/05/2009 18:10

You ARE entitled to:

Respite care - about 6 weeks per year.

Home care with up to 4 visits per day by a carer.

Your dad is entitled to attendance allowance.

He is also entitled to attend a day centre.

Social services will not tell you any of this, but Age concern/help the aged and crossroads should be able to point you in the direction of help.

This makes me so angry. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

screamingabdab · 20/05/2009 18:12

Help the aged and Age Concern : HelptheAged.org.uk

BalloonSlayer · 20/05/2009 18:13

I think you need to spend some time thinking about what needs to happen.

Normally - IIRC - the State will provide some care during the day, about 1.5 hours?, to get someone up, dressed etc. This has to be paid for but a lot is covered by attendance allowance. If more care is required, then it needs to be a care home.

I expect, sadly, it will come to a point where your Dad will need a care home.

It might be a good idea to try and have a look at a couple. You will probably be surprised at how nice some of them are.

And while you are there you can get some good advice from the people who run them. EG, they will be able to recommend a solicitor who can help you get power of attorney. This is a lengthy process when dementia is involved, because your Dad will not be able to sign anything, not being "of sound mind."

If you have been paying the bills for a long time might you be able to claim some of that money back from the value of the house? I wonder if it is worth posting on legal.

It's terrifying but once you start doing things you will feel more in control. It's so heartbreaking that your Dad as you knew him is fading from you, you really don't need the loss of the house as well. I feel for you .

3littlefrogs · 20/05/2009 18:14

CAB might be able to give some legal advice re your rights.

Sadly, IME SS main interest is how quickly they can get their hands on property/assets/money - so you need to get in touch with the agencies mentioned here asap.

mosschops30 · 20/05/2009 18:18

giveup - I have just come out of a situation, not similar to yours but along the same lines. Sadly my Dad passed away last week.

I didnt live with mum and dad through his disease (which was lewy bodies, a mixture of alzheimers and parksinsons).
I did try to help as much as I could by getting information and contacting professionals, but I know its not as easy as just knowing what youre entitled to.

Luckily they lived in an area where there was lots of help with day centres and stuff, but he just wouldnt engage with any of it and it took its toll on my mum.

They were entitled to things like respite, and this was for one week every six weeks, although they had to pay a proportion of it. They could have also had help to come in and wash and dress him but he wouldnt have it.
Try and find out who is the specialist nurse for dementia for your area as my mum couldnt have survived without this help. She will be able to direct you to all these things and start the ball rolling for lots of extra stuff.
There are also some rules about how much they take into account,(I know that had my father gone into permanent long term care, they couldnt take the house from my mother to pay for it).

If you want to chat I'll happily provide my email address

welshdeb · 20/05/2009 18:47

Did you give up work to care for your dad amd move in with him. If so I seem to recall that you may be able to protect the house from being sold as your ds is a minor and its his home. Check with Help the AGed or a similar organisation.

If the house has to be taken into accounts It may be possible for the LA to put a charge on the house so when it was sold spmetime in the future the money would have to be paid back.

CrushWithEyeliner · 20/05/2009 18:49

Can you get to any toddler groups for your DS at all? Can you take him to the swings/ park?

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