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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to a party when I have a 12 day old baby?

48 replies

YesSirICanBoogie · 20/05/2009 14:52

I've had a bit of a fall out with DH. We've been invited to his friend's wife's 40th on Saturday night. I've met the friend twice and his wife once. DH has replied to the invitation saying we'll be there despite me saying I wasn't sure if I was up to it. I had a C section last week and although I feel not too bad I have an infection in my wound and I'm as shattered as every other new Mum is with night feeds etc. I really don't feel I have the energy to make conversation with a group of people I don't know.
To complicate the matter, it's my Father's 70th the following night which I have to go. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I'll feel like partying that night either but I'd rather save my energy for that night.
Also, it would mean two nights away from my new baby and other kids which I don't really want to do at the moment.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 20/05/2009 15:51

What MillyR said.

wasabipeas · 20/05/2009 15:52

Let your DH go and be safe in the knowledge that when he has to make small talk with other women and mentions he has left his 12 day old baby at home with his wife who is recovering from a c-section with complications, their jaws will hit the floor and he'll regret going...

The guilt will ensure he comes to your dad's party

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/05/2009 15:56

My scar got infected and there is no way on earth that I would have been going to a party - nor would my husband have asked me too.

Your H sounds like a selfish twat - is he normally like this?

catwalker · 20/05/2009 15:58

Blimey - if I was in your position it would be ME issuing the ultimatums to DH. Namely, don't you dare go to the party or else!! Thankfully I know my DH wouldn't dream of doing such a thing if I needed him. It's a friend's wife's 40th fgs - hardly the event of the century. You've had a C section - you need your DH at home to help you. How could he even think of leaving you at home at a time like this? As for saying you have to go to!!! He sounds like a complete and utter prat. And I'd never ever ever take a 12 day old into the environment you describe.

As for your Father's 70th - just go for an hour or so. People need to be fitting in with YOU - not the other way round.

BonsoirAnna · 20/05/2009 15:59

I went to my first party after DD's birth when she was three weeks old. I hadn't had a c-section and I had no other children to care for and was being brilliantly cared for myself, and it was still quite tiring. And it was only a Christmas drinks party at my aunt's house!

fruitstick · 20/05/2009 16:13

DH went alone to friend's birthday when DS was 2 weeks. He went late and left early.

He is going to a friend's wedding on his own when DS will be 14 weeks as involves overnight stay and I won't leave DS.

Tell your husband to get over himself.

kiera · 20/05/2009 16:16

YANBU. Let him go by himself.

woodenchair · 20/05/2009 16:22

Ditto what everyone else has said. You abdominal surgery last week!

Tell we think he's being a twat!

junglist1 · 20/05/2009 16:22

What on earth???!!! Put your foot down and think of yourself and DC's. Some people don't have a clue

Thunderduck · 20/05/2009 16:28

YANBU.

BouncingTurtle · 20/05/2009 16:32

FGS - your DH is so very unreasonable. You should not be going to a party when you are only 12 days post partum, especially after a c-section! And your Dh better forget going, he should be looking after you!!

Sassybeast · 20/05/2009 16:34

YANBU. Congratulations on your new baby and ditto to whoever mentioned him telling people he'd left his wife and new baby at home post CS. Idiot man.

cheshirekitty · 20/05/2009 17:09

Congratulations on your new baby.

YANBU. Your dh sounds like a selfish little boy. He needs to grow up. He needs to take more care of you, especially as you have a wound infection.

Tulia · 20/05/2009 17:17

YANBU - your DH should understand how utterly knackered you are feeling right now, you just need to be resting with your new baby. i agree with what everyone else has said - i think your dh is the one being totally unreasonable!

you shouldnt be under any pressure to go anywhere you should be trying to rest and spending time with your baby

i also totally agree with bouncing turtle - your dh shouldnt be going either imo, he should be looking after you

Original poster

YesSirICanBoogie · 20/05/2009 17:22

I have put all these points to him and now he claims not to be very bothered! Suffice to say I'm not going and I've told him I don't care if he goes or not. He says I'm giving the impression to be coping really well and has apologised for not realising it would be too much. I think I'll leave him suffering in the hope of lavish gifts and in the mean time let him do dinner, bed and bath for the children!

OP posts:

Tulia · 20/05/2009 17:25

print this thread off for him to read

glad he is starting to understand at last

StealthPolarBear · 20/05/2009 19:09

Well on the understanding of lavish gifts and dinner, bed & baths, MN forgives him

BottySpottom · 20/05/2009 19:26

I went to a wedding 12 or 14 days after having DC1 but, I hadn't had a xc, wasn't infected and could take DC with me.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, I'd be very surprised if a tiny baby would want to go more than an hour or so without milk at time of night.

Stinkermink · 20/05/2009 19:31

Firstly YANBU and secondly why do you have to be away from your new baby? Not sure about your feeding arrangements, but we took DS and latterly DD to all functions that we felt we had to attend and for DS the first one was at 6 weeks, he slept in his carrycot in the corner of the dining room and DD was 5 days old. For the function I attended when DD was 5 days old, it was for DHs big boss and not one person batted an eyelid when we rocked up with me squeezed into my best baggy black trousers and control pants, disappeared at regular intervals to feed her, and left after 3 hours.

When DS (my first) was only 2 weeks old DH went to a wedding of some friends of ours. I didn't feel up to it, he went for the ceremony and stayed for initial drinks at the hotel then came home. Everyone else needs to get a grip not you!

Stinkermink · 20/05/2009 19:34

Especially to your dad's do, I know you have had a CS but even so why can't you just take your baby? Unless you really don't want to go. But surely they would want the baby there? Regardless of lactation or you just needing care and attention?

philopastry · 20/05/2009 19:34

YANBU - at all. Glad he is starting to see that!

I can't believe the pressure we all get put under to carry on exactly as normal when we've just had a baby. Only one generation ago we would have been in hospital with our feet up for at least a week. Now we are meant to be hitting the dancefloor before we've even got out pelvic floor sorted out again - crazy.

I got a hard time from all my DH's brothers because I did not organise a big 40th birthday party for him - the fact his 40th fell 3 weeks after I had DS2 just didn't register with them. Also had a 19 month old and chronic mastitis. They still think I 'let him down' . Huh?!

You stick to your guns on this one.

Stinkermink · 20/05/2009 19:35

Sorry that made me seem horrible, I mean they should be understanding of your situation and grateful to have you there.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 20/05/2009 23:12

To give your H the benefit of the doubt: if this is your first baby, it can take a while for men to realise just how radically life has changed, simply because he hasn't had to go through pregnancy and birth and may not get the physical upheaval you feel.
Given that he now seems to be realising this, don't kick him in the nuts and pack his bags just yet...

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