AIBU to feel unsupported by 'D'H at the moment?

[rugrat2]

Don't normally post in this topic but am feeling really unsupported at the moment with all sorts of thoughts going round in my head and feel I need to have a rant. Have name changed in case H sees this thread as think he knows my usual mn name.

Background is: H works fulltime & I went part-time after dd was born, working 2 split nights per week without any childcare. DD was result of fertility treatment & we didn't think we would be able to have anymore children but I am now nearly 28 weeks pregnant, which I was thrilled about. However,I have found the pregnancy really rough this time probably compounded by severe sleep deprivation caused by working nights. H does help with DD when he gets home from work and will wash up after I have cooked the evening meal - something I'm sure lots of men probably don't do. He is very good at playing with DD too.

Anyway, as I am expecting a 2nd child and we live in a tiny 2 bed house we need to move. I had hoped we could have got the house sorted to put on the market before now but as I tend to work 1 shift at the weekend, we have little time to get anything done to re-decorate, deep clean and do the neglected DIY jobs that need doing on the house before we can put it on the market. I feel H doesn't want to move as he keeps making excuses for not getting jobs done when we do have time, although when I have asked him this he says of course we need to move. We had 'words' a few weeks ago and I suggested he ask his brother & his dad to help us get some work done as he has often helped them out with things. He said he his brother would help but so far they have not done anything. My family live miles away and are unable to visit due to ill-health and work commitments.

Yesterday, he had an unplanned day off work and I asked him to help me sort out DD's room, as he has said that we need to declutter before we start to decorate. Instead he fell asleep on the sofa and I ended up doing it myself. He is always complaining he is tired yet I am the one who works nights, so miss out on sleep and am pregnant. He never goes to bed early though despite complaining he is exhausted.

Last night DD wouldn't sleep. He always settles her but as I was upstairs when she started crying again. I went in to try to settle her. She wouldn't settle for me and climbed out of bed so he came up and got her to settle. He came in and said that the reason she will never settle for me is because when she cries in the night I tend to bring her into bed with me. This is true and I told him that the reason I do that is because I have either worked a night shift and I'm tired from having no sleep or I am due to work the following night so need a good nights sleep. He then said, "well, I'm sometimes up with her for an hour or more when you are on nights and I have to get up and go to work in the morning". This left me fuming as he seems to disregard the fact that I am pregnant and therefore extra tired, in need of sleep for my well-being and that if he was up with her for 2 hours he would still get some sleep, whereas when I am on nights I get none!

I feel I can't talk to him about how I am feeling as he just turns everything round and makes me feel worse. He says the reason we haven't got stuff sorted out in the house is due to lack of time and not planning what we are going to do. If I make suggestions as to what to do or ask for help, however, I'm nagging ! I just feel I can't win or get to a reasonable compromise. I constantly feel he is criticising me. The other day he said something to me (can't even remember what it was now) and I said "I can't do anything right" as that is how it feels at the moment. To which he told me to "F* off" . I was deeply upset about this but as I was dishing up the evening meal (and he went back to the room where my DD was) I had to ignore it and carry on.

Sorry for such a long disjointed post but I just feel I need to put down some of the things that are going round in my head in the hope that someone can help me decide whether I'm the one being unreasonable and how I can get him to hear how I am feeling and start supporting me more.

Ok I have to say YABABU.

From what you have described you must both be exhausted and whilst on paper it does sound as if you have it harder, lifes not a competition and I'm a firm believer that few of us can routinely go without slepe on a regular basis without having some side effects. Its not particularly pleasant of him to swear at you I'm assuming that it hasn't happened before and lack of respect is not a fundamental problem for you.

Perhaps you need to break it down into steps. It sounds like a key issue is your DD wakening up. What age is she ? Is it worth you both sitting down calmly and agreeing a joint strategy on handling night wakenings. It may very well cause some extra work in the first few nights if your DD is used to things being a certain way, but may lead to less wakenings in the long term.

Regarding the night shifts, that must be really hard for you particularly with no daytime care or family nearby. Is it possible to reduce to one or even start your mat leave early ?

Do you absolutely have to move house now ? The baby will presumably be in your room for at least the first few months, so is it something that can wait.

The two of you need to sit down and agree priorities over the coming months and set realistic goals which assume no family help - then if they do its a bonus, and also allow each person a small amount of down time to relax and recuperate.

Thanks for responding rookiemater. I can see what you're saying and that is basically what he has said when we have had words. I have another 7 weeks before I start maternity leave and can't afford to stop sooner and would like plenty of time off when the baby is here.

I have tried to sit down and talk to him about what needs doing but it hasn't come to anything.

I know it is unrealistic now to get the house on the market and move before the baby is born but I would like to get most of the work done now as I feel it will be even more difficult when the new baby arrives.

Guess I'm just hormonal, emotional and tired .

I agree that moving while you're pregnant can be extra stressful. It might be an idea to hold off until after the baby is a few months old, maybe settling in to some type of routine, so that you can schedule ahead and start planning what you want to do on the house. You can start little bits along the way, but you'll certainly be more physically up to it when you're not pregnant.

Get yourself a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. I'm a firm believer in their restorative powers.

Does your DH actually want to move house ? Have you tried putting the onus on him to come up with an action plan i.e. when do you think we should put it on the market, and try and work back from there ?

Have texted him & he texted back & then phoned me. We have talked a bit and he says he is going to try and get home a bit earlier. Feel he might actually be listening to me at the moment so we'll see how it goes. Thanks & apologies to those who took the time to read/respond to my rant .

It sounds as if he is not ready to face moving ATM.

I would leave it for now, and reconsider when your new baby is 6 months to a year old. He/she is likely to be in with you for a while anyway, and now is really not a good time to be trying to move.

You are both tired. Just focus on resting as much as possible.

How old is dd?