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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay home with my daughter..

22 replies

reddress · 20/05/2009 10:09

I am in my first week of work and my daughter is unwell,she had a big trip today that she was excited about but nearly fainted on the way out the door,white as a ghost I sent her back to bed.My husband thinks I should of gone to work and he would check on her throughout the day as he works five mins up the road..She hates being on her own but is nearly 11,I couldnt beare the thought of her being unwell and home by herself,what do you guys think??I am so upset as he yelled at me and then my new boss was a bit short but what else could I do??

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 20/05/2009 10:12

YANBU personally i think a sick 11 yr is too young to be at home alone

OlympedeGouges · 20/05/2009 10:12

No if she is at home you should stay with her . It is actually illegal to leave a child under 12 at home alone. add to that fact she is unwell, of course you should stay.

traceybath · 20/05/2009 10:13

Could your DH not have stayed? I'd have wanted someone home with her but would have been reluctant in first week of new job.

giantkatestacks · 20/05/2009 10:13

Couldnt your husband have stayed at home if he was so keen for you to go in?

bumpyboo · 20/05/2009 10:14

I'm going to write it out in full here.
I think you are not being unreasonable AT ALL!

giantkatestacks · 20/05/2009 10:14

ah traceybath - too quick for me...

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 10:16

Thank you Vinegartits,me too.Years ago a friend in my class was ill at home with a tummy bug and his Mum popped downtown,literally gone 10mins to get some lemonade for him,and he choked(whilst being sick) and died.We saw ambulance arrive as were playing sport on our school field,Ill never forget it.

OP posts:

Niecie · 20/05/2009 10:19

It isn't illegal to leave a child at home alone at any age - there is no lower limit for this.

I don't think leaving her alone is necessarily wrong. However, if she is so poorly that she nearly fainted and she doesn't want to be left I wouldn't leave your DD at home alone either.

If your DH can't stay at home all day can he at least come home this afternoon and let you get some work done?

kiddiz · 20/05/2009 10:21

YANBU I do think that 11 is a bit young to be left alone when they are ill. However I can understand your boss's reaction. I too would be a bit annoyed to have a member of staff absent from work in their first week unless they were ill themselves. You need to have plans in place as to what you're going to do in the future because she will be ill again and this situation will crop up again.
My employer would accept me being late for work while I organised someone to care for my dcs but would be very unhappy if this extended beyond one day. They expect me to have arrangements in place to cover such eventualitiess. Tis why I work evening shifts!

rookiemater · 20/05/2009 10:22

YANBU in principal as a poorly 11 year old does of course require an adult to stay with them.
However as it was your first week of work your DH should have taken the time off instead.

It is unfortunate timing but being off in your first week for a sick child sends very clear messages to your employer about your priorities and tbh I'm not surprised your new boss was a bit shirty, as at this point in time he doesn't know if this is a complete one off or if its going to happen eveyr week.

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 10:23

They were actually both unwell yesterday and he stayed home but had quite a big day today at work so went in.I hate letting people down but my daughter needed to come first this morning.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 20/05/2009 10:27

Ah you didn't mention that he was off yesterday. That makes the situation different, ok then YANBU unavoidable, but I would stress to your manager that this is a v unusual occurence and your Dh had already taken the day off yesterday.

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 10:31

I was extremely apologetic and totally understand my managers reaction,I guess it is just going to be hard,we have no family in this country to rely on but I really need to work,I feel absolutely torn right now,my daughter has been asleep since 8,really is poorly but cant stop thinking how useless I must look to all my collegues.

OP posts:

margotfonteyn · 20/05/2009 10:41

It's a horrible situation but I don't think you are being unreasonable. In the whole scheme of things looking after a sick child is more important, esp fainting rather than just a cold or whatever. If you explain to your colleagues and manager tomorrow what happened and that your DH was also ill the day before, they will prob understand. If you prove your reliability and efficiency at the job they will hopefully soon forget about it.

rookiemater · 20/05/2009 10:45

Hi reddress sorry if I was a bit hard earlier. All you can do is apologise and move on. Hopefully it will be a very unusual scenario, and as margot says once you have built up your credibility it won't matter any more.

iheartdusty · 20/05/2009 11:01

could you do any work from home in future, if it was unavoidable for you to be off work? difficult in the first week, probably, but as time goes by perhaps there are some things that you could do from home? phone calls, emails etc?

OlympedeGouges · 20/05/2009 11:05

the law is a bit unclear on the issue as if you are found to have left a child alone or if any danger has come to them you can be prosecuted, obviously. The guidelines from NSPCC etc state you should never leave an under 13 at home alone

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 11:10

It really is a 'be at work',situation as I supervise a lot but I have emailed her again and apoligised and told her the situation,she is a Mother herself so hopefully understands,thank you all so much for your feedback.I love the position so will work extra hard and proove myself to be a winner,even if right now I feel like a loser.I was reluctant to work in this country for this very reason(no support) but have found a job that is perfect in just about every way,I just wanted my first week to be a really good one.What do people do??

OP posts:

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 11:13

Olympede,I feel awful now but would not have enjoyed my day at all knowing she was here alone,that is just something I couldnt do.My husband seems to think I am being completely unreasonable and is angry as I also work for part of his cooperation,thinks I make him look bad??

OP posts:

mumto3boys · 20/05/2009 11:15

YANBU. When I started my last job, (currently SAHM) my son was ill on my SECOND day!! I had to call in. It was for the local council so you are actually entitled so sick leave if a dependent is sick. I felt really bad about it and I think they thought I wouldn't be back! But it was genuine.

If I was nearly fainiting, I wouldn't particularly want to be home alone, but at 11 that would be pretty horrid.

Such is life, these things happen. I wish people couild be a but more understanding. It's unlikely the world will end if you take a day off work.

Original poster

reddress · 20/05/2009 11:23

Thank you Mum23,you have just made me feel so much better.Have just had a big argument with DH when I could do with a hug and simple msge such as yours.Of course the world wont end without me,they can cope easily,and I will be back tomorrow.I think kind words can just go so far.

OP posts:

cory · 20/05/2009 11:28

It's about how ill the child is imo at this age.

I have left my own 11yo alone all day, but that has been with complaints that I had no reason to believe could deteriorate drastically: like a standard virus infection or a bad hip (she has a chronic joint disorder). Something where you pretty well know what they're going to be like in a few hours time.

Nearly fainting sounds dodgy to me, I'd be unhappy leaving even a much older child alone under those circumstances.

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