To think that DH is a self absorbed tosser sometimes

[Sourdough]

To cut a very long story short(ish)...
DH is very successful and high profile. His job involves long working hours and many demands on him and his time.
BUT...
It is all his choice and he is following his dream. He gets lots of recognition for what he does and constant plaudits on TV and in the press.
The family, on the other hand, has had to move home more times than I can remember, unless I stop to count. We have spent the past 3 years in a town I hate, with no friends and 200 miles from the nearest family. DH considers his needs far more important than any of ours, and I have found myself putting in several hours a day helping him with his work (he is technically an employee and does not own the company he works for) which is impacting on whatever family life I am trying to create on my own. I dread him phoning me because every sentence begins with 'I need you to do something for me' as he says his secretary isn't competent enough. If I object to his constant demands he flies off the handle and accuses me of not wanting to help him improve his position. After 3 years this is pissing me off because the situation is getting worse instead of better. I expected a slog for a couple of years but now I'm sick of it. I gave up my shitty job last summer because I was struggling to cope with all the demands of my life, but now it seems he thinks I'm at his beck and call 24 hours a day and constantly adds to my workload whilst offering no input into family life. He needs pulling back into line and realising that our world is not all about him. I am very proud of what he has achieved, but I think I have facilitated alot of his successes, and he needs to recognise that, and give us a little something back.

Did you discuss all this stuff before you had kids etc? Was he always so single minded? Is he George Monbiot?

OH dear. Unfortunately it is almost impossible for semifamous people not to think of themselves as the most important one in their family (particularly men, too many of whom do still think that they are the 'person' in the relationship and everyone else is their property).
I don't know how your finances are arranged but is it worth suggesting to him that if you are going to be an employee in the family business you should be paid a proper wage?

That sounds like one of those arguements in court for why you should get half of his money when you divorce!

No seriously, tell him! It's fair enough helping him and supporting him (it's a marriage it's what you're meant to do) but, it's not meant to be at the expense of your family.

But then my DH has just put something off as we don't want to move with young children and I pointed out how you don't want to put more bricks on a fragile foundation (we've only been married a year).

Dunno what to say really other than that you have my sympathy and that I do think that sometime men[mostly] can be like this.
My dh is like this -expects me to be able to do evreything at the drop of a hat rings numerous times all the things you have mentioned and I know a lot of freinds in similar positions.
To give you 2 examples I was at a friends earlier and her dh rang to see if a parcel had arrived she said yes he said thanks and out phone down, he then rang back and said can you open it and check there are two things in ,she did and again he said thanks and put phone down to which she said to me Oh I am fine thanks darling yes I am ok.
They do only think of themselves.

Our DDs are 5 and 14, so this is all a fairly recent development. He has definitely got worse as he has got older and the success he has had adds to it all. I was working for the same company as him, but because I was his wife (he is the company lynchpin) I got lots of extra stuff to do and started to drown in it all, which is why I quit the paid job. I figured if they weren't paying me they couldn't put on me, but that's not been strictly true. I've been a mug for allowing myself to become everyone's 'go-to', but I though it would be a temporary measure until we were properly up and running.

Do you and your kids benefit from his success in any other ways? ie money, nice house etc?

Loads of people make that trade-off, but I guess it has to be by mutual agreement not by dictatorship.

Also if he is 'famous' then he will have all sorts of yes-people catering to his every whim and propping up his ego. I often think this about footballers wives etc, it's all very well shagging a gorgeous millionsire, but there must be downsides to dating somebody who thinks they're god. Not that I'm comparing you to footballers wife of course.

Maybe you could withdraw your support services and try to engage him that way?

We aren't struggling financially the way we used to, but we are a very very long way from being well-off and the house that comes with his job (he has to live on-site) is in a bit of a state (needs new roof, re-wiring etc) but I've made it as homely as possible. My investment is more in his potential rather than our current circumstances. He is not a total bastard and when we aren't rowing about work-related issues, we still get on really well and we do genuinely love each other. I know one day we'll reap the benefits because he is really talented, but am becoming frustrated as the years keep rolling on by and I am expected to be 'The Enabler', not just for him but for the whole family.

Laughing at the notion of yes-people...his employer really doesn't seem to appreciate his hard work at all but he does get told by others in the industry what great achievements he has made. I think he is definitely frustrated by how little his employer seems to appreciate him, but he doesn't need to take it out on us.

Maybe it's bullshit but I guess that most particularly high functioning people have a difficult side - I'm thinking of the 'tortured genius' cliche.

And of course if it's a man there's always a woman grafting invisibly in the background.

Leo Tolstoy's wife hand copied War and Peace five times.

Sounds like you definitely need to have it out with your DH, he won't achieve the success he dreams of if alienates his closest loved ones.

Yeah, talented (or lucky) people men who are successful almost always depend on a --woman family member, friend or partner to simply service them and be devoted to making their lives work. ALl very well if that's an agreed deal with agreed beneftis to the service person (like a wage or really good perks) but if it's just expected, this can grate.

I agree with solidgold

Agree with solidgold and thought you might identify with this poem by lynn peters!!

Why Dorothy Wordsworth is not as Famous as her Brother

'I wandered lonely as a . . .
They're in the top drawer, William,
Under your socks -
I wandered lonely as a -
No not that drawer, the top one.
I wandered by myself -
Well wear the ones you can find,
No, don't get overwrought my dear,
I'm coming.'

'I was out one day wandering
Lonely as a cloud when -
Soft boiled egg, yes my dear,
As usual, three minutes -
As a cloud when all of a sudden -
Look, I said I'll cook it,
Just hold on will you -
All right. I'm coming.

'One day I was out for a walk
When I saw this flock -
It can't be too hard, it had three minutes.
Well put some butter in it.
-- This host of golden daffodils
As I was out for a stroll one -

'Oh you fancy a stroll, do you.
Yes, all right William. I'm coming.
It's on the peg. Under your hat.
I'll bring my pad, shall I, in case
You want to jot something down?'

Hmmmm. He sounds like a self-absorbed tosser indeed, and my DH agrees. or rather, he sounds like a toddler, screaming for sweets at the supermarket checkout. Your DH is screaming for your time, attention, and for you to make him feel special.

Three possible solutions for him asking you to do stuff all the time:

1. When he asks you to do something, you just say 'no'. Nothing else, just 'no'. If he rants about you not supporting him, you say something like 'It's a shame you feel like that.' This is the most assertive way to deal with it, but in some ways the least fun.

2. One thing I do with people at work is to agree terribly cheerfully that the suggested task sounds like a great thing to do, and then I ask them what it's instead of.
   e.g. My boss: "I thought you could do the talk to the so and sos."
   Me: "Great! Sounds wonderful! What would you like me to drop? Next week I'm working on X, Y and Z."
   My boss: (realising that X, Y and Z are more important) "Oh, maybe Fred could do it."

Could you try asking him what he wants you not to do instead? e.g. is that rather than giving the children a bath? rather than cooking supper?

This one can be great fun.

3. You can also add things to a list - this technique goes 'Yes, of course, dear. I'll add it to my list of jobs.' You then add it to the bottom of your list of jobs, which is ostentatiously pinned up somewhere visible. Things on the list are acted on in strict order, and thus your DH's request takes place after you have cleared out the pond, bought your MiL a brithday present, etc. etc. If asked about the job, you can point at the list, and explain that you're still on job 2 on the list, and it will be a while before you get round to it.

BUT these are only really dealing with the symptom, not the cause. This is a genuine problem, and you are right to be worried about it. I think you need to work on taking it seriously yourself - which I know can be easier said than done - and then when you know how serious this problem is and won't be knocked off balance by your husband's ranting, talk to him about how you feel. Frnakly, from your post, he sounds like an immature failure as a grown-up human being, not "very successful" at all, but I'm sure you see a more rounded side to him.

Great assertiveness tips Grendel

Kate LOL at that poem

Anyone else secretly dying to know who her DH is?

It sounds as if you really Need To Talk, to thrash out what is really important to you and what's not. It could be that the 'fame' and what goes along with it has sort of taken over, and blurred reality a bit. He probably expects you just to be there in the background, supporting him in his dreams - think Bette Midler and Wind Beneath My Wings! If that is not enough for you (and I don't blame you), then sit him down, and explain very clearly and assertively why it is not enough for him to be simply the person who brings in the money whilst you act as his employee. Grendal offers some very wise suggestions, I think.

sourdough I sympathsise I really do.
He does need 'pulling up' on this.
Could you write down all this and then take him out for dinner and have a chat about 'where you are going in the future'
Love number 2 from Grendel in fact that would work really well because you would know which alternatives to put to drop/put off and then give him the dillema.
Other that occupying yourself more with your own things all I can sya is good luck

My suggestions come courtesy of my employers' women's assertiveness course - during which we all had to practice saying 'no' to each other. The funniest thing was when someone during the exercise was asked to fetch a glass of water, forgot it was an exercise, and rather than saying 'no', got up and fetched it.