To feel sorry for the bully?

[MrsSlash]

There is a boy in my son's class who has always been a bit of a bully. Most of the time he's fine but other times he's nasty and spitful. He and my son have always been quite good friends and so when he turns, my son tends to be first on his hitlist.

This used to be a problem when DS was younger but he's coming up to 11 now and is much more confident. When the kid starts on him, he just ignores him and tells him his opinion means nothing to him. Other kids in the class have started to deal with him the same way.

Thing is, it's started to go the other way now. I looked on DS's contact list and all of his friends have status messages such as "Paul is a twat", "kill Paul for £100" , "everyone delete paul from your contact list, he's a dick" etc etc

DS does not have anything like this on his but he does talk to the lads who are doing it.

There has always been a "group" of boys which includes these other lads, "paul" and my DS and now "paul" is just being singled out and victimised. I KNOW he has been a bully in the past, he has done and said some horrible things to the lads ... I heard him the other day calling one of them a "dirty gypsy" but I just can't help feeling sorry for him.

He doesn't have the best home-life, his mum thinks more of getting pregnant to random blokes than she does about parenting the kids she has. He brags that they have much more money than everyone else, truth is the opposite.

All of the boys want to go to a particular seconday school and this lad is the only one that hasn't got in. Instead, he is being forced into one of the worst schools in the city and he is terrified.

Yesterday, year 6 went on their secondary school visits. Most of the boys got on DS's bus. This other lad got onto a different bus going to the other school by himself with no friends. I watched him sit down and he looked out of the window with tears in his eyes. On DS's bus, the kids were going wild with excitement.

He has been horrible to my son in the past and reduced him to tears etc ... but AIBU for feeling sorry for the kid? I just wanted to hug him yesterday :-( he kinda reminds me of how I was at school, so deperate to fit in that I would brag about money we didn't have, holidays we would never go on and try and put down weaker kids to make myself feel better. Inside I was terribly sad and lonely.

This boy is like the male version of my child-hood self and it makes me want to cry.

Am I pathetic?

Arrrr no not pathetic you're lovely and not BU - poor chap has many problems and it looks like it's all down hill for him from here.

No, you're lovely. I don't know what you can do about it, though, I think the roots of his bullying are too subtle for kids to understand, all they get is that he's not nice to be around.

Looking on the bright side, he might grow up to become a compassionate and understanding person, too.

There is a bully in DS1s class (only 7 yrs old) but he has a terrible home life. some days I would like to throttle the boy and some days i feel desperately sorry for him. He went to the same nursery as DS1 so I have known him for nearly 5 years and in all that time his mum has been a cow bag to him, i have never once witnessed a loving gesture.

The new school might be a fresh start for him - grasping at straws.

Oh MrsSlash, you are one lovely person! I can totally see where you are coming from, I think the fact that you are a mother yourself maybe fuels how you feel.

I think it's a blessing in disguse how "Paul" has to go to a different school, he can maybe give himself a clean start. Children are very tough (more so that some adults!), give him a few weeks and I'm sure he'd have settled into his new school and made new friends who don't know his history. Lets hope he uses this 2nd chance wisely.

Your DS is very lucky to have a mother like you

Poor lil mite. I think that fear generally lies behind a lot of thuggish and bulling behaviour. Unfortunately it's a tough call to expect 11 yr olds to know how to deal with it in a mature way.

Maybe you could collar this lad and show him some kindness whenever you see him- make him feel accepted at least by one person. Are there any buddy schemes in your area, where he could have a special friend (often students or working 20 somethings)?

we have had awful issues with bullying, I have goine mad at the school ( in the correct way).. not just because ds is the victim.. but because the bully really needs help and support too!..

firstly I'd like the school to have a really good bullying policy, a) to protect the victim and B) to actually help the bully.

secondly I would love to help this child, show him he is a capable of so much more and show the child some love and attention. it would do him wonders.

so no YANBU

Oh no you aren't unreasonable. I wish everyone had as much compassion.

Agreed, OrmIrian.

That is very sad, I feel sorry for him too, especially as it sounds that his family are of no help to him. I hope that a new school can be a new start for him, my boss's step daughter was apparently a nightmare in primary, and none of the other kids liked her, she says that it was a good thing she went to a secondary where that reputation did not follow her and she could start afresh.

Maybe you could get your ds to invite him around, see if they can get on nicely again and maybe he could keep up the friendship when they start new schools, obviously that is, if your ds doesn't mind!

YANBU - How sad

You're a nice person. Reading it over my initial reaction was now at the new school he'll learn the lesson his parents never taught him. If my DS was bullied I wouldn't give a crap when the tables turned, TBH. He's 10, not 5, he knows he's hurting other children, but just didn't care. Now he's feeling sorry for himself, not for the pain and fear he's caused. Saying that though, I hope he does make a fresh start, and can make friends in the new school (everyone does eventually).

What a refreshing post. I think the bullying issue has been stupidly polarised over the years into a black/ white issue when so clearly it isn't.

Everybody is all 'my kid gets bullied' or 'my kid was only deemed naughty because he was standing up to bullies' etc and nobody on this earth appears to be the parent of a child who actually commits bullying.

It goes in all directions - people kick down, and so do kids. I was teased mercilessly at school (I don't call this bullying though, and think it's tiresome when people do), and I must admit to my shame that there were times when I also was horrible to other kids simply to assert what tiny social power I had.

If only more people had your attitude then manybe something could actually be done about this apparent epidemic of bullying in schools. The fact is that when you leave school and grow up, you realise than in the big scheme of things, the bullies themselves are the victims. All the bullies from my school have gone on to be failures in adult life, while of course us 'nerds' who were slagged endlessly are now successful adults.

It's all about inequality and lack of opportunity, not some polarised concept of good and evil.

befor I can answer can someone tell me what a 'contact list ' is.

I'm thinking she meant on MSN or Yahoo messenger or suchlike...

I think merciless teasing is bullying, definitely. It's driven children to suicide before without any physical component - how does it not qualify as bullying?

I agree that merciless teasing can be bullying if it goes on and on. I am currently dealing with this with my DD. A boy she has been very close freinds with has turned on her and is so mean to her. I have just now left her in bed after she sobbed for 20 minutes about it.

It is the fact that he says such horrible things that she can't deal with. (They are 10). He belittles her in front of her friends, he calls her names and has shouted at her for gettin ghim to trouble. This has been going on since September.

I am all for letting my DCs deal with things and a big believer in them having to learn to cope with things on their own but now it has reached the stage where she doesn't want to go to school, where she cries in the morning and tries everything to get out of going, I feel that it has gone too far and I do now consider it bullying.

BUT

I am with the OP. I know the boy and his family and it is clear to me exactly why he behaves like this.

OK I still don't really understand what it is (i'm such a dinosaur).
But to me this sounds like horrendous bullying.Both my kids's schools take cyber bullying very very seriously .There was an article about it on newsround saying how it is often worse than face-to-face bullying as infiltrates their home.
I think that you need to have a serious chat with your DS about what his friends are doing and I would certainly inform the school.Evil prospers when good people do nothing !

YANBU.I think you have done so well helping your son deal with the other boy's behaviour[we are going through this now]Our ds1 is 9 and has started a new school[having been home edded]Sometimes I am so upset with the'bully' we have said similar to you...ie his opinion should mean nothing but it is hard to see the other side when your child is upset.
I think you sound fab