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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For having a go at DP in front of the kids?

16 replies

BourbonOne · 19/05/2009 10:37

Last day of term last year, DP's daughter came home from school, year 6 ... all the kids had signed each other's sweaters as they were leaving for secondary school. In her class is one girl who everyone "hates" because she apparantly "smells" and is "dopey" and "annoying" ... basically, she's a vunerable, disadvantaged 11 year old who has become a target and probably always will be. I feel so sorry for her.

So his DD came home with the signed jumper and this other girls name was on it. DP made a "ewww" noise and said "oh god, you didn't let "sophie" sign it did you??" shock DSD said "well, I had to really" and so he said "you didn't sign hers did you?"

At this point I snapped at him and said "ffs, how old are you?? don't you think the kid has it bad enough without you encouraging your daughter to pick on her too??" he looked embarrassed and said "no, you're right, sorry ... I hope you signed hers DD, it's only right ... " ffs

Last week we saw two men walking down the street holding hands. DP looked and shouted "eewww good god! how horrible" whilst my DS was in the car. DS obviously asked "what, what's wrong?" and DP said "those two blokes over there are GAY"

ds then started with the "ewww gross" comments and I came down on him like a ton of bricks, before starting on DP for being so ffing ridiculous in the first place and teaching my son homophobic attitudes. He immediately back tracked and said "no no, you're right, there is nothing wrong with people like that" hmm

He's now saying that he's sick of me having a go at him in front of the kids as it makes him feel small and the kids will have no respect for him if they see me "telling him off" like a child. I told him if he didn't act like a child, I wouldn't treat him like one. He says I'm doing the wrong thing by the kids and that if I have a problem, I should tell him in private.

Should I?

OP posts:
ThePhantomPlopper · 19/05/2009 10:41

I'd have said something to my DH if he had made such horrible comments.

What he said about that girl is disgusting.

seeker · 19/05/2009 10:43

From what you've said you were being completely reasonable.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 19/05/2009 10:45

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BourbonOne · 19/05/2009 10:46

No I've lived with him for two years!

OP posts:
wolfnipplechips · 19/05/2009 10:47

YANBU he sounds like an idioy sorry.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 19/05/2009 10:47

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titchy · 19/05/2009 10:48

If something he does or says only impacts on you then you should say something to him in private. If something he says or does impacts on the kdis then you say something to him there and then. End of.

Why is he your dp with an attitude like that BTW?

serenity · 19/05/2009 10:51

YANBU at all. He was in the wrong, and the DCs had to know he was in the wrong. If you waited until you were alone, would he then go and apologise to the DCs for what he had said and let them know he was wrong? I'd imagine not, plus the moment would have passed. If he's that concerned about his public image he needs to start censoring himself a bit more!

I think it's important for Dcs to see that adults aren't perfect, but more importantly, that they can admit that they are wrong and make amends.

wolfnipplechips · 19/05/2009 10:52

IDIOT Sorry.

gerontius · 19/05/2009 10:55

What would your DP say if one day your son told him he was gay?

cornflakegirl · 19/05/2009 10:58

YANBU. He sounds like an idiot.

However, assuming that he has redeeming qualities that are the reason you're with him in the first place, could you agree some sort of signal or code phrase - like "I'm not sure that's appropriate" so that he realises he's being stupid, and can backtrack by himself, without you needing to chastise him?

duchesse · 19/05/2009 11:00

He's behaving like an 11 yr old and frankly deserves to be dressed down a little.

Of course tackling him straight away in front of the children is not ideal, but having him retract his awful reactions in front of the children is actually a good thing. You may wish to talk to him in private later about your values and expectations re tolerance, and underline that you do not expect those undermined. Is he in a job where he might be expected to go for equality training? That might be a good idea...

Tortington · 19/05/2009 11:03

bourbonones dp for example, is a twat

TheCrackFox · 19/05/2009 11:03

Normally I would say you shouldn't be critical of your partner infront of children but on these two instances you were damn right.

It is not on to teach children that homophobia or general nastiness is acceptable.

YANBU.

mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 11:07

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Servalan · 19/05/2009 11:07

I saw your title and thought I'd be posting to say "bad move to criticise your DP in front of your DC"

But I take that back. I think you're absolutely right to speak up on these things at the time. To not do so would give the message that these horrible views are acceptable.

Your DP should be ashamed of himself encouraging intolerance and bullying attitudes in young children

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