to be narked with my mum for spoiling DD1 rotten and ignoring all attempts at non child related conversation?

[grizzzlyhair]

Sorry for souding selfish, but in being such a doting gran she has forgotten she has a daughter. I feel so distant from my mum who I used to be much closer to. She sees us about two days a week. We constantly argue about DD1 (nearly 3)- she undermines me when I tell her off, she refuses to say anthing when she has been rude and naughty and just smiles, she constantly plies her with junk food etc despite me asking her not to. Whenever I try talking to her, not just about this but about anything (non child related) thats on my mind, she completely ignores me. She often pretends she hasnt heard and will only talk about trivial or positive things. My DD1 seems to have a personality transplant when she's around her, as if me (and DD2 - 8months) are both invisible. Its driving me mad! Am I being unreasonable....

YANBU but rather than getting angry about it, you need to think of ways to sort it out before it drives a wedge between you and your mum, or even you and your dd (if she starts playing you off against gran, etc).

try to get some time with your mum on your own, so she can't focus on your dd. i find with my parents if my dd is there, she is the focus (which is fair enough) but if i am there alone, i get their full attention. when you're on your own, try talking to your mum about the discipline issues with your daughter. i think it is ok for grands to spoil gkids - that is half the fun! but if you have specific issues that you are dealing with in a specific way, perhaps you need to get your mum on board away from the kids, so she knows. sometimes its just that they don't know its an issue until you tell them. good luck

Thanks. I have tried to see my mum when its just the two of us, but she's always really reluctant and can't be persuaded. When she has no choice but to talk to me, ie the girls are asleep in the car, she will only talk about 'safe' issues and small talk. But I will try again...

yep, know that feeling, i think the older generation are a bit less able to 'talk' about 'issues' than we are. my family tend to avoid it too. i do find that if i start the convo off, while it might be a bit uncomfortable, they do listen and take it on board, but they will never be the first to start a serious conversation. maybe if you bring it up next time you are alone, she will respond better than you expected her to. hope so

Forget being the object of interest in any room in which there are small children.

This happened to me and I don't even have kids - when my neice was born I apparently ceased to exist on the family radar. I was quite pleased though tbh.

Your kids will not always be at that adorable, easy for grandma stage. They will become harder work and at this point you will re-emerge as a person in your own right!

When I had similar problems with my DM and she wouldn't listen to me, similar to yours, I simply stopped seeing her. I made excuses and found other things to do and saw other people. When she confronted me about it I then told her exactly what I had been trying to tell her before and was ignored. She took it on board and we have now reached an understanding. I am not so ridged on some things but she is not so bad, we have met half way-ish, more in my favour than hers. We also still don't see her as much as we did which has helped our relationship. We have also started to meet out and about rather than in a house which has helped as well. She will come to swimming lessons with us and we will go and get a coffee afterwards and things like that.

I know it was a bit drastic and could have back fired on me, but it worked out in the end.

Thanks a lot. Its good to hear about what other people think / have done. I will try one more time to confront mum and if not happening, then i think going out to do more stuff which shifts the focus and not depending on my mum so much for company while DH is away a lot (she will get a message when we're not around every weekend, but then again i doubt she would come out and ask me about it, she really doesn't do confrontation or discussion of any kind, even if she's got no idea what's going on and a simple phone call would help...)

also, give it time. Your dd is only two and thus still 'new' and utterly beguiling and adorable to your mum, who hasn't had the full on two years that you as mum have had, iyswim!

i think in future years when the early years are past, and your dd is less demanding of full on adult attention you may find that things settle into a more normal pattern of conversation with your mum.

I'm sure it's worth you raising it now, I realise that 'in future years' doesn't help you now, but I guess I mean try to take the long view when you're talking to her about it so that it doesn't seem that you have to completely sort this 'now or never'!

i am so relieved its not just me in this situation

my dd is a completely different child when nanny M turns up. And my DM is completely different when dd is there.

dd is nearly 4 and it is slowly getting better. I have stopped initiating any conversation when my mum and dd are in the same room, and if i am talking and dd interrupts and my mother automatically ignores me i have taken to just switching off

also my mum has spent more time recently with dd on her own and is beginning to realise that she is extremely demnading if you cater to her every whim

she is having dd for a weekend in july - I am thinking things may well change then.

But yes, if you feel you are getting nothing out of the meetigns with your mum (which is the problem for me) then just dont see her with dd or when she comes round, walk off to do some laundry or busy yourself - if she's going to ignore you then she wont notice you've walked off - at least thats how i feel

sorry thats very ranty and probably not helpful, just read your post and relaised it could be me writing it

Not at all - I have found (all) your comments so very helpful. So pleased am not the only one feeling this way. Whereas yesterday I was about to erupt (poor DH got the brunt of my rant), now I am feeling much more rational and chilled (and thats MN not the wine and chocolate)...Thank you...