Sorry long! dd being sidelined on weekends with exh

[mamas12]

My 14 yr old dd has recently been sidelined and ignored by exh on their weekends together.
To explain my ds is v. sporty and all weekends are taken up with various sporting events, matches or all day tournaments plus attending local team rugby matches (they have season tickets)
Dd has been v. supportive as have we all but when they go shopping exh gets new sports equipment eg cricket bat shoes and ball, rugby ball and kicking tee,etc. and dd gets nothing!
They don't want to go into the shops with her so she goes on her own - fair enough - but that time is limited and he doesn't get anything to balance all the spending on ds.
After she said something last weekend he bought her a book at last.
She is also exhausted after a weekend 'on the go' all the time and she says she just wants to have a day of doing nothing and being with him at home.
What do I do? Do I start an argument with him he is so defensive, or just keep bolstering dd up.
If she feels she just doesn't want to go one weekend should I say that she doesn't have to go? He won't like it but it's not nice is it.
btw I don't begruge ds anything and neither does dd it's just not equal

Could they have alternate weekends so you do the sporty weekend with ds and dd has the chance for a chill out with dad at home?

You're right, it doesn't seem fair.

no,very unfair. but at the moment it is all tournaments etc as the season comes to a close. its that time of year. is it like this all the time?

how about sports she enjoys? tennis? wimbledon soon so we just dug out our rackets!

It doesn't sound fair. If you say she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to then that might get the point across. I don't think that would be unreasonable.

Dh was in a similar position with his other 2, a girl and boy, both teenagers.
I domn't think he realsied that he was in danger of leaving dsd out, as she never said anyhting.
He now does alternate weekends, when both of them are welcome ot go out with him, but one weekend he does football and stuff and the other they generally go to the beach, or the moors, or into town, which dsd prefers.

TBH, at 14, I think she is old enough to decide she does not want to go one weekend or to decide she wants to alternate weekends with ds occasionally. As she is geeting older she will have other things she wants to do with friend and so on and her father is going to need to deal with that. I think a lot of parents lose sight of the fact that visitation is to fulfil the childs rights not just the parents rights and as such the child has a say!

I am not sure what to suggest about communiating this to him though as it sounds like he will not take it well from you and I don't think children should tell the other parent arrangements unless they are sure that it will be well received.

Perhaps just start out slow? Make arrnagements for dd to go to the cinema or somewhere with a friend and tell ex that d has plans for this weekend but would like to go next weekend (thereby creating an alternating weekend with ds) and see how that works out?

Thanks for repies. Sporting season is still on with cricket and tennis! oh and golf.
Dd does drama and ex doesn't really like that sort of thing, he doesn't not support her though iykwim. But, he either doesn't realise or does but thinks she should join in. I'm just worried if I bring it up with him he'll not get it that she wants to stay with me sometimes and think I'm turning her against him!
I also go to the major sporting occasion re: ds inc. the last two weeks presentation evenings. We are all v. supportive of him but ex is just blind with dd at the moment.
Sorry am ranting now.

Thanks Kingcanute. He has them two weekends out of three so an alternate would be easy/hard to organise, depending on whose viewpoint! It's always been difficult with him not allowing her to go to a friends house or see a friend on his weekend (control and emotional abuse issues) but she has started doing this already.
My main problem will be telling him all this. Any suggestions?

We hav had a similar situation with dd where her dad is very keen on academic stuff but does not really see that she is talented sports wise. She has now excelled in several sports but has gone without proper support from him because he doesn't "get" how important it is to her yet he is ore than happy to support and help her with her SATs or her french club and so on.

For a long time dd just accepted that I supported her with her sports and he didn't, now she has reached a certain level and is competing in reigonal competitions and may go national soon he has realised that she is good and become enthusiastic. Dd and I just have a special smile for those moments when he gets all het up about ooh you need to train you have that competition soon...

Sometimes finding a balance is hard for a NRP who does not see everything that goes into th childs particular activity but they should at least try!

Good that she is taking some control and making her own plans with friends.

Do you think you could suggest that the weekends are changed so that he has ds then dd and ds then dd?

Hmm - that's a tough one. DH and I are together BUT I feel like a single parent at w/ends as my DS is also very sporty and in lots of tournaments (and don't even talk to me about the cricket season!) so it ends up DH carting him off to his tournaments and me and my DD doing something else. In fact, DD always says to me 'well mum, looks like it's just you and me again'

But sometimes I take him, (usually the tennis, as I like to watch!) so DD gets time with her dad.

It is tough I guess when it is 'his' weekend so is their time with him. Does he live near you?

I would be tempted to arrange something whereby you might drop your DS at his tournament while your ex spends time with DD. Then he and DD can pick DS up together. (Why does he have to stay with your DS. Is he very young? If it is a cricket match - they last Ag--e-e-s-. Or if it is a tennis tournament- they last ag-e-e-es too! And golf goes on forever...)

If she is feeling left out, she probably is, and her dad needs to know this. He can't just pick and choose his kids activities because of what interests him

King you are describing ex attitude to dd drama acheivements.
Don't know about the ds then dd weekend idea as he has them both two weekends in a row them me then two more in a row then me so?
When do I be selfish and get a weekend on my own to go out?
merrylegs dd 14 ds 12 I sometimes do the lifts but it is also a community thing and can be a pleasure to hang around with other parents at these things but there are no 14 yr old friends for dd.
Sigh, I will have to tackle him, I have lost his chart (he gives me year planner with all the weekends and holdays marked on it!!)so need to double check some holiday rearrangement.

It is frustrating to know your child is doing something they love (doing well is just a nice addition IMO) and knowing that their other parent just is not sold on the whole thing. I made it something special for dd and I but tha is not always paossible.

WRT weekends, you could do this;

You Dad
Dd Ds
FREE Ds DD
Ds DD
Ds DD FREE

It is not ideal but gives you both time with both and time without both and a weekend for each of you to have one on one time IYSWIM

Hmm, my chart didn't work so well, MNHQ stole my spaces

So week 1 you have dd, he has ds
week 2 you are free, he has both
week 3 you have ds he has dd
week 4 you have both he is free.

Hmmm Thanks for making it clearer.
Worth thinking about though thanks king.
Mind you there is something else sorry there is always something isn't there. My dcs get on (mostly) so well they would miss each other. Daft statement perhaps it will do them good too.
Mind you just looking at it I don't think he'll agree he is adamant it's his way. But I will try and talk to him about it.

I get what you mean about the community thing - but if there are no other friends for DD and she is just hanging around, I think her dad just has to suck it up sometimes and leave your DS there and go and do something with her.

My DS loves me to watch his matches, but sometimes if I am the only one around to take him and I have DD too, he knows that I can't always stay as it is boring for her. He is playing and having fun with his friends anyway, so he is not missing out by me not being there on occasion. He knows he is not the only child in the family!

Sounds like your ex has to find a bit of a balance perhaps.

She is 14 and wants to spend time with him?
Make sure he doesn't miss the moment!

It is just a suggestion Mama, it may not work for you all of course, I just thought I would share an idea don't feel that you cannot say thanks but no thanks!

My dcs get on well and when one is away we have questions the whole time about when they are back so I know what you mean about missing each other. I hope you manage to find a way around this, we were lucky enough that dds dad came round eventually. He is not perfect now but better.

Maybe the way to approach your exH is to say you want to discuss with him how the weekends will work as the dcs get older. I would think most teenagers would prefer to do their own think at weekends, either having friends over/visiting them or going out with friends or doing homework & other stuff in their bedroom. Going shopping or other socialising with either parent surely is V.uncool?!

Maybe ask him how he sees the weekends developing as they get older - or does he expect they will still be doing things with him when they are approaching 18?

If you were all still living together it would be "normal" for your dd and ds to be doing things separately at weekends, as Merrylegs describes...

Good approach grapefruit
King Your suggestions are valuable don't worry.