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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that I must obviously be a very unlikeable person ??

14 replies

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:00

I will try and cut a long story short, but I tend to waffle so you have been warned.

Ok, when I left school i went to college to do a childcare course. As part of the course we did placements. My first one was with a childminder who lived a few streets away from me.
I went to hers 2 days a week and helped with all of the children but mainly her own (she had 3, aged roughly 6mths, 6 and 8).
I also did week long block placements there. We got on fabulously and became friends.

During my time there her marriage broke down and so I spent an increasing amount of time there looking after her kids and helping round the house. I also babysat (paid) when she went on courses etc.

She met a new bloke, and I met xp through her, and we'd go round hers to have a drink, babysit, have a laugh.

As time went on we saw them less as I had my own children, and we also moved further away (not alot but further than walking distance). We only then really saw them occasionally and would send xmas card.

The last time I saw them was just before xp moved out. They turned up on the doorstep and stayed for a couple of hours and we chatted about lots of stuff, and also told them we were splitting up.

Since then I have only ever seen their dd (who is now 21 ), as she works by me. Anytime I see her I ask about her mom, and tell her to say hi for me, and I also gave her my number to pass on to them. Heard nothing from them but wasn't really surprised.

A while ago their dd added me on FB and then a few weeks ago I noticed that her mom had joined. I sent a friend request which she accepted. I then wrote on her wall asking how everyone was and got no reply.
I also commented on something she'd written and again no acknowledgement.

Then xp asks me if I know she is on FB. I said yes and that I added her a couple of weeks ago. He then says, did you know xyz about her ? Turns out he had messaged her and she'd replied and messages had gone back and fourth.

Have just spoken to xp this morning and he asked if i have been invited to their party for her dp's birthday. I haven't, but xp has.

Now I am pissed off and upset. I knew her for far longer than xp and in the time I was closely involved bent over backwards to help her out yet I am not god enough to speak to or get an invite to her party, yet xp is.

I know I probably really shouldn't care, but this isn't the first time that something like this has happened to me. People only seem to like me when they want stuff from me. But when it comes to being friends, and social events I am not wanted.

I don't get it.

OP posts:
toddlerama · 18/05/2009 11:09

Sorry you feel like this . Maybe just cut your losses on this one and focus on other friendships? I know it might sound harsh, but not everyone gets on all the time. I'm sure there are people in your life that you are less keen on even though they are not bad people? If she was a really good friend and you can't let go that easily, I suppose you could ask her if you have done something wrong? I think you are being unreasonable to think that you are 'unlikeable' on the basis of one deteriorated friendship, but not unreasonable to find her behaviour hurtful.

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:13

It's not just once though, this type of thing has happened to me at least 3 times now.

People are friends with me when they want me to look after their kids or do somthing for them, but then when it comes to socialising they pretend I don't exist.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 18/05/2009 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:34

No she has a dp, that is who the party is for.

Maybe I am paranoid but as this has happenend to me several times then thats hardly surprising.

OP posts:
onthepier · 18/05/2009 11:37

I've had this, only with one person in particular admittedly, but it does hurt.

Our two dd's started school together, some years ago now and we all did a lot together. I also helped my friend out numerous times at short notice, "Can you pick my dd up for me, I'm running late at work/I'll be late for the school play, can you save me a seat etc?" I also took her dd to and from school every day for a couple of weeks when her baby was born, including taking her back to mine for tea if my friend seemed a bit tired, and she's been to my dd's birthday parties every single year, (this little girl doesn't normally have parties!)

My children approached my friend at the school gate recently, only chatting excitedly about their school trip, (they like her and obv feel they know her well). The expression that crossed her face shocked me, (she wasn't aware that I saw), pure annoyance, and I've seen that same expression if I bump into her locally, (just a flicker but I certainly am aware of it!)

A few times in the last year we've arranged things in the holidays only for her just not to turn up, then I'm met with all sorts of excuses afterwards. She doesn't seem to realise that my children get very disappointed when plans change/suddenly they're not seeing their friends, etc.

The last few times she's rung me for a favour I've made my excuses and said no. I think she's getting the message as she hasn't contacted me for months! It's sad NervousNutty, but these sorts of people really aren't worth it! You're prob like me, approachable and too willing to go out of your way to help people!

bigchris · 18/05/2009 11:37

did she know your ex first though and that is how she could introduce you?
maybe she feels you wouldn't want to go to the party because he is there
or maybe she feels awkward that she introduced you to him and you split up?

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:42

I think I am too helpful onthepier and I mistake people asking me for help with their kids etc as them being friendly.

I have knew for about 2 years before she knew xp. She had only known xp for a few weeks when I met him.

He just rang me for something and I asked him if she invited the kids. He said that what she actually said was 'can you remember anyone else that we used to chat to on the CB around that time'. Xp said no, but that he could ask me and see if i could remember anyone.

She then apparently asked him if he thought she should invite me and the kids and he said yes, and she said she'd see.

She obviously decided against it.

OP posts:
NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:43

Sorry, that should say, I knew her for 2 years before she knew xp.

OP posts:
ForeverOptimistic · 18/05/2009 11:45

It doesn't mean that you are an unlikeable person it just means that she doesn't want to pursue a friendship.

I have a "friend" on facebook and I have sent her messages and commented on posts that she has sent and I have never received a reply from her. To begin with I felt a little hurt but I have stopped taking it personally, I thought we were good friends a few years ago but she obviously doesn't feel I am worthy of a conversation these days. Thats life not everyone wants to be our friend. If you feel that she was just using you for free childcare it is probably best that you keep your distance from her anyway. We can do without people who take and don't give anything in return.

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 11:49

But all of my 'friendships' seem to be like this though.

She is obviously trying to get people together from that period of our lives when we all used to chat on the CB. Thats obvious as she asked xp if he could remember anyone she could get in touch with.

I was one of those people, but I am excluded.

It doesn't make sense to me tbh.

OP posts:
RedCharityBonney · 18/05/2009 16:15

I am very sorry you are hurting. I really feel for you.

It may never make sense to you. Lots of things in life are inexplicable. Doesn't mean it hurts any less does it? But if it's any consolation, then if you did understand it probably wouldn't really help how you feel.

If you feel you are having the same kinds of unbalanced friendship over and over again, what do you think you could do about it? How could you start out differently with new people?

NervousNutty · 18/05/2009 16:26

Not sure Red, tbh it makes me wonder if it is worth having any friends at all.

OP posts:
RedCharityBonney · 18/05/2009 16:40

Absolutely it is. I've had no end of frindships go tits up, and it's been a tradgedy every time, but amongst all that I've got one friend who knows the best and worst of me and has been my friend for 20 years. Also my DH, and the same could be said of him.

So I have maybe a 0.005% success rate when it comes to friendships, which sucks doesn't it? But I have the two best friends you could hope for, and I feel lucky!

So, YES. It's worth it.

You say how useful you've been to this old friend... do you somehow think that could somehow earn you benefits? Because I think it's not as simple as that.

Perhaps when you have a relationship in which you spend an awful lot of time being then that's not a true friendship, and not a balanced relationship?

You might experiment more with sharing time and laughs, perhaps, and do less conspicuous 'being useful'. It might work. It's what I recommend anyway, and if you try that 20 times and get no joy then you can come and give me a good slapping!

xxRCB

RedCharityBonney · 18/05/2009 16:43

Oh and YABU! You sound very likeable to me

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