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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this girl is appaling?

57 replies

floppybits · 17/05/2009 07:50

I know a mother of a toddler who is in my opinion wreckless. She is a single Mum on benefits, her family and ex have the child alot but she is off her head on booze, drugs and smokes like a chimney. I have been awake since 3.30 this morning because she's so drunk she's playing loud music and shouting and keeping my poor DD awake. I have now seen that her child is home whilst she is in this state. Is it me or should she be more responsible when her child is home, its not like she doesn't get any breaks. Also what about the money she's blowing which should be for her daughter? What about the tax paying neighbours who don't get any sleep...?

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 17/05/2009 10:43

Also- you should mabe think about what has driven her to this. She is clearly very messed up and needs help. Mabe her ex is a psycho. I didn't get pregnant in order to get money- I would rather have a decent dad and loving husband for dd to be honest but I am bloody grateful to the taxpayer for helping me out so that I can be as good a mum as possible to my dd in her first year. Us single mums don't often choose our lot and it is devastating when a partner leaves us with kids. Mabe she is grieving for her ex and needs drink to cope.

poshsinglemum · 17/05/2009 10:46

loving husband for me sorry.

SerendipitousHarlot · 17/05/2009 10:48

Oh I love this passive aggressive nonsense.. making sure you mention the single mum part, the benefits part, and then all hurt and misjudged when someone pulls you on it

If it's irrelevant to your story, why mention it?

That's like me saying how my neighbours always play loud music on a Sunday morning.... and they're..... ^... lesbians^.....

stuffitlllama · 17/05/2009 10:56

you set yourself up for this

you just have to accept that some people who are given money to care for themselves and their children don't want to spend it that way, and lots of people will defend their right not to spend it that way

also v difficult because it's not fair to expect people without work to live a puritan life, and allow only working people to have some fun now and again

you have to accept -- that part is not to do with you ..nothing to do with you

but yanbu about the being selfish and unneighbourly, and most importantly being drunk with a child. How much does the child suffer? Do you need to help in rl? It does sound serious.

you don't sound like a Daily Mail reader.. I can imagine you're having a tough time especially with her next door.. I can imagine that's frustrating..

people are being quick to judge you though, because you seem quick to judge

tattifer · 17/05/2009 10:59

Easy, how old is the child - if very young and she is the only "responsible" parent then ring police. If not so harrowing as that but you still have concerns about welfare of child ring SS. As for noise, contact environmental health, discuss with them. If you have community patrollers (council ones not PCSOs) they can evidence noise issues for Environmental health and poss go for noise abatement order.

Its so simple.

tattifer · 17/05/2009 10:59

If none as bad as all she's just living a different lifestyle and you have to accept it.

tattifer · 17/05/2009 11:00

sorry, none as bad as all that

helsbels4 · 17/05/2009 11:01

I don't think the op managed to put her point across quite how she wanted to but I think the point she was trying to make, is that this neighbour is being totally irresponsible and ignorant towards her child and her neighbours and rightly or wrongly, seems to be using her money that tax-payers provide her with, to get wasted whilst other people who can't do that because they have to get up for work etc have to suffer for it. (not sure I'm getting the point across either )

Of course not all single mothers are like this, just as not all people who have morals and common decency are snobs

It is hell living next door to someone like this and I speak from experience and I felt the frustration and annoyance that the op conveyed. We used to listen to thumping music and partying til all hours and then when our ex neighbour finally stopped, she could sleep it off all day while me and dh had to get up and go to work on very little sleep. It isn't fun I can tell you.

stuffitlllama · 17/05/2009 11:16

I think "just living a different lifestyle" is a remarkable thing to say

does the neighbour's child "just have to accept it" too?

sorry love, your mum's pissed but don't worry, she just has a different lifestyle

tattifer · 17/05/2009 11:19

Stuffit, read my previous posting.

beanieb · 17/05/2009 11:22

I don't think her being a single mum and being on benefits is relevant. If she's a bad mum she's a bad mum. Why do you feel it's important to mention her being single and on benefits?

stuffitlllama · 17/05/2009 11:26

ok tats

i just contradicted myself anyway

tattifer · 17/05/2009 11:44

No worries

Sbeanmum · 17/05/2009 11:57

OP - "some people on this are really out for a catfight arent they"

er, you did post on the AIBU thread.... and somewhat controversially too...

that's the classic recipe for hard hats at the ready! Try not to be sensitive about it, or post somewhere else

tattifer · 17/05/2009 12:01

Wise words Sbean

pingviner · 17/05/2009 16:37

If you are worried about her parenting and the safety of her child then YANBU- report it to social services.

If you are annoyed about the noise, YANBU - again, report it to the council, and change something

If you think that the above issues are just an excuse to pull on your judgey pants and start bitching about the state-supported army of drunken, nicotine-high single mothers keeping the poor mild mannered, rightous Great British taxpayer short of sleep in order to drive the species to extinction then YAB very unreasonable, spiteful and shallow

If you are certain that every facet of your life, marriage and employment will always be so secure that there is no way you might ever need state help, or end up a single parent then you are either very lucky or very deluded

If you post on AIBU and expect everyone to agree with you then YAB really really U...

If you could learn to spell reckless that might help too! Or did you mean feckless?

MollieO · 17/05/2009 16:48

So if she was married with a good job then you seemingly would have no problem with her behaviour, since she would be able to afford to buy her own alcohol and cigarettes? What an odd pov. The fact that she is single and on benefits has nothing to do with her behaviour imo.

If you are concerned about her not looking after her child properly then contact ss. If the noise is what bothers you contact the environmental dept at your council. Keep a record of times that the noise bothers you as you will need a repeating pattern of behaviour for it to be deemed a nuisance and for the council to take action against her.

Hope you manage to sort it out

MollieO (aka a single tax paying parent who likes a nice glass of red).

knockedgymnast · 17/05/2009 16:49

What has being on benefits got to do with the state of this mother? I know a lot of mothers on 'benefits' and they certainly don't act like this..same vice versa.

You're being deliberately inflammatory...

GypsyMoth · 17/05/2009 16:55

Who says all the benefits she gets are for her child?

Kimi · 17/05/2009 17:17

Have you tried calling the police when the music and shouting go on all night?

Single mum on benefits aside, she sounds like a bad parent and bad neighbour, I think you should report the noise issue to the police and council and the fact she is off her face in charge of a child to the social services, and I would think the same if she were married and on 60k a year,

tattifer · 17/05/2009 18:55

Kimi - I tried to to suggest the tried and tested routes to flag up concerns/deal with ASB but I think the thrust of the thread is going the way of "that woman on benefits..."

chegirl · 17/05/2009 19:34

If i had a neighbour who was clearly drunk and in sole charge of a toddler I would be on the phone getting the police to give her a visit. They can decided if a place of safety order is necessary.

The noise nuisance can be reported to the council.

The benefits, single mother stuff is irrelevant.

If the child is in danger please do something about it. Dont presume someone else will.

Its unlikely the child will be removed but it might give her the kick up the arse she needs (the mother not the child)

thesilverlining · 17/05/2009 19:42

floppybits - the fact you are a tax payer is irrelevant to everything - if she were also a tax payer would that make it ok for her to drink and smoke in front of her child?

and while we are on the topic - are you immaculate? Never got drunk while your kids are home? Have you ever walked even a centimetre in her shoes?.....

speck of dust and log come to mind tbh....sorry but you could try feeling sorry for the family rather than indignant about them - might get more sympathy....

If you are truly concerned about the child's welfare (and that is nothing to do with income support or how much money is being spent on her - is she ACTUALLY in danger?) then you must of course call someone to investigate to ensure her wellbeing....but it doesn't sound like she is beating her or abusing her is she?

tattifer · 17/05/2009 20:55

If i had a neighbour who was clearly drunk and in sole charge of a toddler I would be on the phone getting the police to give her a visit. They can decided if a place of safety order is necessary.

You're right chegirl, as are others who have said the same thing. There does seem to be a need to polarise discussions around welfare/benefits.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 17/05/2009 21:26

This thread has reminded me why I must make sure my neighbour knows I am at uni and I work. I am sure he reads the DM too.

Seriously, if you are worried about the child, call SS. But for goodness sake, being single is so hard, especially at first, I had many drunken nights in the first 6 months of being single, but I pulled myself together (and stopped hanging around with the rather heavy drinker friend I had at my house pretty much every night). Is she newly single? She might be in that adjustment phase, and I would have loved a friendly neighbour to ask me over for coffee and let the kids play together at that time... ... ...

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