to be scared of the influence ex h will have on our dc?

[Springfleurs]

I describe myself as a feminist.

I told my ex I am planning to bring our dc up with awareness of feminist principles also.

He got very angry and said "you won't be doing them any favours you know, dd will never get a man because men don't like that sort of thing and ds will end up being walked all over by his wife".

We were together for 8 years and I left him because of his total inability to see me as an equal. It really frightens me to think of either of my dc being influenced to think this way too. How do you combat this sort of thing. He is an great Dad in all other ways but I am sure that both dc will end up absorbing some of his ridiculous ideas. Makes me feel very depressed.

I can understand your concern.

However, unfortunately your ex is just as entitled to share his views with your dc as you are. Try not to make them pawns in the middle of this (sure you won't). Just make sure you bring them up with the awareness you are going to anyway. This is also the message they are almost certainly going to get from most other big influences in their life and your ex will be in the minority.

Hopefully as they grow up they will form their own views that will not be dissimmilar from yours.

The fact is, children will end up absorbing ideas from each parent. That's how life works.And as they grow, they'll absorb all sorts of other ideas and have other influences on them too. All you can hope for is that you do your best to be a good role model in the way you live rather than just what you say. If you believe, for example, that women are equal to men, and can work in good careers, earn good money, have influence in public life, see themselves as having as much power within relationships etc, then presumably that is reflected in how you live your life. Children learn by example.

I'm really sorry that you and Ex H have such conflicting views, but is it really such a big deal? Do you have shared residency? TBH they will grow up with a balance of opinions and then form their own. My only concern would be if he had more custody time than you IYSWIM. Otherwise, they are probably going to accept your influence over his anyway.

Pizazz, I'd say it's a HUGE deal - sexism is just as bad as racism. Sadly society seems to have decided the former is less worth bothering about but that doesn't alter the essential morality.

Spring, I guess violethill has the right ideas. When they are teenagers, maybe you should be discussing things like the position of women in Islamic countries or female genital mutilation or stuff like that.

Very good thoughts violethill. Just hope I can live up to it. I think they do see me live it to a certain extent, I ended the relationship mainly because his attitude was so toxic and I was scared for the attitudes my children would develop.

Pizzazz, he has this way of making his ridiculous opinions very funny getting a good laugh out of them and we all know how kids respond to that. I am sure that when they get older they will realise what nonsense he talks but by then the behaviours will be too ingrained for them to overcome them. My ex SIL all talk the talk and have great jobs etc but when push comes to shove they drop everything for a man, just the way they saw their mother do all those years.

Sorry edam, I think we misunderstand each other or OP. I am not a feminist, despite being female. I don't believe that women are lesser citizens or a lower class of being, but I do believe that we are different to men and therefore more suited to different roles. Maybe this is where her Ex H is coming from too.

Before I get shot down, I'd like to point out that I do not agree with sexual discrimination in the workplace etc... but I do think that we can go too far down the feminist path and not allow our daughters to express vulnerability and dependance on a man. A marriage, IMHO is a co-dependancy between two people. Whilst I think it's fine if the OP wants to bring her DCs up on feminist principles, I don't think that necessarily means her husband is a bad person for not agreeing.

Did I really just read "express dependence and vulnerability to a man"? I hope my daughter never feels this is part of being a woman.

What, in this day and age, is a feminist?

I'm sorry hercules but it is true. I'm not ashamed to admit dependance on DH. I completely trust him to love, honour and respect me. He would, I am sure, confess to dependance on me too. I think it's a good thing. If you can't trust your partner to cherish you enough that you can confidently rely on them, then I question the marriage in the first place. (No offense intended to anyone with nasty Ex P's. Just my personal belief).

All I'm saying is you don't have to be anti-women to not be a feminist.

But there are different types of dependence and I'm not sure what you mean by vulnerbility. Yes, dependence in the sense of loving and needing in an emotional sense but for me, certainly not financial and little woman at home sense, making decisions etc.

Aah, but that's exactly where our opinions differ hercules. DH and I make joint decisions but I treasure the freedom he gives me to be a woman at home. I get to enjoy being a housewife and SAHM without feeling under pressure to go out and make money for us.
I am completely financially dependant as he is our sole earner, but in return I run our home and do the majority of child-raising (although he is an excellent father and wonderful with DS when he is home).
We have joked about swapping roles (I have much higher earning potential than he) and he would love to stay at home with DS all day, but he goes out to work to provide for us and I am grateful.
You see it as a bad thing, but for me it is a privilege.

I think we are poles apart. Mind you perhaps you are more like my dh. He has been a sahp for a year and probably will be again as my pay goes up in a couple of years again.

actually I think Pizazz it sounds like you have a very 'feminist' life - you have been able to exercise choice, and follow the path that best suits you and that you think will best benefit your children.

There are 'feminist' women out there who work full time, do all the cleaning, and 99% of the parenting when they're home, and organise life - the laundry, the doctor's and dentist's appointments, cards and presents, parties, holidays......and (until DH and I thrashed it out) I was one of those 'have it all' people.

so long as your husband truly values what you do and does not belittle your role at home and you don't EVER feel you MUST stay home or that you will never be able to go out and develop interests or a career one day when your children are independent, I think your way of life is one big feminist acheivement!

Me and DP are both massive feminists, but he still works and I stay home with the children. It's just the way things worked out.

Feminism is about having the freedom to be the type of woman you want to be, whether that means living in a all-woman hairy legged lesbian commune or being a SAHM, as long as you don't feel trapped simply because of your gender.

I hope my DD grows up to understand that she is free to do what she likes, and if I have a son I hope he feels the same. Feminism is for both sexes, it only has the name of feminism because generally, through history and worldwide, women have had the worse deal.

If it's any comfort, Springfleurs, my mum has been spouting ridiculous sexist crap at me all my life and it hasn't made a blind bit of difference to how I've grown up (research scientist turned SAHM - but also a feminist! )

Your kids are going to see this for the rubbish it is.

I am financially dependent and emotionally dependent on my husband, and it doesn't interfere with my feminist principles at all. Mainly because he is equally dependent on me, for different reasons. We depend on each other, thats how it should be, IMO.

OP, your Ex is going to influence your children, there really isn't a lot you can do about that. What you can do is to influence them as well, set a good example, and hope for the best.