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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

that my friends think I can't make my own transport arrangements?!

16 replies

onthepier · 16/05/2009 10:58

Two friends of mine with dc's the same age as my dd, have seemed irritated lately because every time they suggest meeting up I seem to have other things on.

Anyway, there was a children's production at the local theatre recently which my dd wanted to go to. I suggested to these friends that we all go together, they were very keen, told me to order tickets and they'd reimburse me for theirs. As they live over half an hour's drive away I invited them for lunch before the afternoon performance, which they readily accepted.

By the way, they both drive and I don't, the theatre is a 10 min. bus ride for me, which leaves at the end of my road regularly. This is how I normally get to this theatre, and thought to myself that to save fiddling around with car seats etc after lunch, they could drive there, I would take the bus with dd and we'd arrive at approx the same time. (Prob made the mistake of not saying this to them, I'm so used to sorting out my own public transport that I forget that other people see it as a problem)!

Anyway, the day before, one of these friends phoned, she sounded very short and to the point, asking if another friend of ours who lives near me, (also attending the performance), was coming to me for lunch. I said she'd just see us at the theatre as arranged. She just said "Oh, ok", and ended the call. Thought it was strange but didn't think much of it.

Anyway, this other lady called me the next morning, saying she'd heard the other two were coming to me for lunch and could she and her dd, as they had a morning appointment and it would save going home first. I said yes, fine.

Anyway, an hour later one of the other friends turned up, closely followed by the other one, "We thought we'd come in two cars so one of us would have room for you and your dd", she said. I felt awful as hadn't realised anybody was working around me. Mentioned the bus I normally catch there, cue much eye rolling from them.

Soon the other lady turned up and I sensed an atmosphere. As I was in the kitchen making drinks I overheard her say, "Thought I'd come for lunch as well, then I could give ONTHEPIER a lift if you both decided to come down in one car!"

Felt dreadful about this, had no idea that all three of them had gone out of their way supposedly to make the afternoon easier for me, when this is a trip I do very regularly by bus, (sometimes taxi), normally with both dc's and don't think anything of it!

Just wondered if anybody thinks I'm in the wrong here, (I realise now that I obv need to tell people what my travel arrangements are, I'm so used to sorting out myself and dc's where transport's concerned though, that I just didn't think)!

OP posts:
mustsleep · 16/05/2009 11:08

neither myself or dh drive and we always get asked "oh how did you manage to get here or there"

Well we walked, got the bus, train, or taxi

Driving makes things easier more convenient but the world doesn;t stop if you don't drive lol

Maybe they were just being nice, thinking that you'd find this a prob but if you hadn't expected a lift and were instending to get there under your own steam I can;t any reason for your friends to feel put upon

This is why I hate excepting lifts off people, fair enough if they are going to the same place but I hate feeling like I'm putting someone out

FairLadyRantALot · 16/05/2009 11:19

They were only being nice though, and tbh, if I was coming to you to lunch beofrehand I would ahte it to have you go by bus, and would totally immediately assume that I would give you a lift, it's the natural thing...I do think if you didn't plan taking a lift you should have mentioned it to them really...

FairLadyRantALot · 16/05/2009 11:19

just to add on, it would feel really rude to me not to give you a lift, iykwim...

fucksticks · 16/05/2009 11:23

if you had a car and were at someones house for lunch then were all heading somewhere else wouldnt you assume you'd give them a lift rather than get the bus on their own while you drive on your own with space in the car? seems very rude as a car owner to not offer a lift to someone who has just made you lunch when you are off to the same place!

Maybe your friends think you are being a little too stubborn in not accepting their kindness and hence the eye rolling!

SoupDragon · 16/05/2009 11:29

they were being nice and considerate. Relax.

sleepyeyes · 16/05/2009 11:40

So they were coming to yours first for lunch then you were going to get the bus whilst they drive to the exact same destination? Ummm thats just a bit strange it seems like you were being difficult maybe thats why your friends were annoyed?

wotulookinat · 16/05/2009 11:48

they were being nice. It would have been rude of them to go to you for lunch and then drive off and leave you.

onthepier · 16/05/2009 12:24

Thanks for your posts, I can see this from both angles and realise that I do need to say from the outset what my plans are.

However I do find that people can be difficult with this transport issue. For instance I phoned my mum recently, who knew I had a busy week ahead and had already offered to look after the children if
needed.

So I asked if she'd mind picking my dc's up from school and staying with them at my house until I got home one day, as I had an appointment in the nearest city to us, again, a short, easy bus journey for me.

She said of course she'd have the dc's, then told me to hang on. In the background I could hear her talking to my dad, "You could easily take her to such and such, couldn't you, otherwise she's got to get the bus!"

Could hear my dad trying to juggle his day, "Well I'm doing this, that, suppose I could take her but will then be late to watch cricket etc". I insisted to Mum that I was perfectly fine with transport, and had only asked her to look after the children!
I did make my own way in the end, if I hadn't it would have been inconvenient for Dad!

I don't know whether other non-drivers feel this, that if you insist on making your own way you upset people, if you accept lifts you sometimes, (not always!) inconvenience them!

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 16/05/2009 12:30

I think there is a world of difference though taking a lift with someone who is at your house anyway and is going to the same destination, as actually asking someone to make a special journey....

SouthMum · 16/05/2009 12:33

onthepier - relax about the whole transport thing. Most drivers with non-driving friends will tell you they won't offer a lift if it inconviences them, and if someone tries to shoe-horn them into giving a lift they will make up an excuse to get out of it.

Its nice that people want to make sure you uget places safely, especially as alot of buses (esp. on school run) are about as safe as being thrown into a pile of iron filings.....

saadia · 16/05/2009 12:40

The bottom line is that people are being nice. I went through a phase of taking the dss to school by bus (even though I drive) so that I could walk back - it's a pleasant route and I would get some exercise. All the other mums would, very kindly, fall over themeselves offering to drop me home despite my refusals and a few times I ended up accepting the lift out of politeness.

If I have the car and someone is walking I offer a lift once and say it's no trouble but I wouldn't insist on it.

katiestar · 16/05/2009 13:00

the people were being thoughtful and considerate.Can understand how you might have felt a teensy bit embarrassed, but there is really no need to.

dilemma456 · 16/05/2009 15:57

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 16/05/2009 16:03

Agre with other posters,they were just being kind and considerate

ChippingIn · 17/05/2009 22:38

I can see why you were annoyed/embarassed as they'd all gone out of their way to 'help' you, when you hadn't asked for help, it makes you feel like you are a burden, when in fact you needn't be as you are happy to make your own way...

On the other hand, as a driver, there is no way I would have come to lunch at your house, been going to the same place as you and not assumed you would be coming in my car with me... it would have seemed pointless on your side and mean on mine...

Mind you, I would also have driven you to the opposite side of town to where I was going to save you the 'trouble' of getting the bus , can't help being helpful!!

onthepier · 18/05/2009 11:17

I do realise they were all being helpful, trouble is with this group of friends is that even if I bump into one of them in town/at a weekend fete etc, it's "How did you get here/how are you getting back?" "Your poor dc's having to get the bus, you should have phoned one of us!"

Whereas I'm thinking it took me less time to get there than it took them, my dc's (especially my youngest) still see riding upstairs on a double decker bus as a treat, I've had a relaxing journey, no parking to think about and have got our ticket for the return journey, (to the corner of our road)! I saw your post, "ChippinIn", and catching the bus really is no trouble!

Obv if you were driving past us and it was pouring with rain I'd accept a lift, but generally rather than call somebody I'd abandon the bus and order a taxi from home, (what we don't spend on a car we spend on transport you see)!

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