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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dh to help with bath and bedtime, even though he says he is working from home???

25 replies

FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 20:10

I know I'm not (or I really don't think I am) but I'd quite like him to show him this thread so he can realise how unreasonable he was being.... or not as the case may be!

Our three dc are 2.3, 3.6 and 6 weeks old.

DH came home very early from work today (about 5pm) and surprised us, which was nice. His office was flooded so he needed to work from home.

I was half way through making dds dinner when he arrived. He went through to play with dds, and ended up snuggling up on the sofa watching beebies and he fell asleep. No problem here. Then he pottered around, so I asked him to sit with them whilst they ate their dinner, which he did. Meanwhile I am bf ds, running bath etc etc. Just as I was about to take them up for a bath, he took them outside to play in the garden, again, no problem. I decided to give ds a quick bath whilst they were playing.

Then he sent them upstairs for their bath. I asked him to come and help and he told me he couldn't help because he was working from home.

He did help with bathtime and put them to bed etc etc, but only after a row in front of dc. He has now gone for a run, which again is no problem, and will be doing work when he returns.

My point is, I have no objection to him falling asleep on the sofa, playing in the garden, going for a run etc, but fgs if he is at home during bath and bedtime, then he is blardy well expected to help. If he is working from home, then he should do that instead of falling asleep, or playing in the garden, not instead of helping with bath and bedtime! It is the most challenging part of the day with two small children and a new baby.

What do you reckon. aibu???

OP posts:
posieparker · 14/05/2009 20:12

Put the dripping wet children in his office.

kitbit · 14/05/2009 20:14

If he's working from home he should be working and left alone. If he isn't actually working he's fair game for helping. Can't just decide which bits he wants to be available for!

Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 20:16

yes, that's what I mean kitbit, he shouldn't pick and chose. However, I do also think that he ought to help me with bath and bed if he's around, in these early days with the baby anyway, working from home or not!?

OP posts:
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:16

It's true of all men 'working' from home.
My dad did it , my DH does it and my BiL does it. DH is always looking at BBC sport and then wandering why he hasn't got through all his emails 3 hours later

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 20:17

Hmmm, tough one. If he hadn't come home early you would have done it all yourself right? So it's not like he said he would do it and then let you down.

He probably views all the other stuff he did with them when he got home as 'helping out' and probably thought he'd done his fair share.

Next time that happens, as soon as he walks through the door delegate some tasks to him, then he can plan his work around that.

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 20:19

FearofthePig unless your DH is a mind-reader you need to explicitly tell him what you need help with, or what your expectations are. Men just need guidance

Worldsworstmummy · 14/05/2009 20:19

You need to be explicit in your expectations. he seems to have done quite a lot, but according to your needs, not what you wanted. talk about it. without getting angry.

As single parent it can be quite galling to hear parents bemoan their partners input because it isnt exactly what they wanted. Damn. I would be happy for a tiny percentage of that help.

tigana · 14/05/2009 20:21

I think he is guilty of sending mixed messages. He is either working at home or not. He can't pick and choose.
If he had been genuinely working I would habe said you were BU (although woudl also have suggested he could have made exception for bed time), but if he was actually fannying around while theoretically working then YABU.

DH is working from home today. Since about 3pm, we have barely seen him - constantly attached to phone. He stopped to cook and eat dinner and will take 5 mins break to kiss DS night night soon.

Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 20:21

you're right of course omdb!

Sorry wwm, don't mean to offend

OP posts:
bigchris · 14/05/2009 20:22

tbh it sounds like he did quite a lot

he played with the kids

he sat with them while they ate their dinner

he took them outside to play in the garden

he did help with bathtime , although you did have to nag

and then he helped you put them to bed

my dh got in 5 minutes ago when it was all done

sometimes we don't realise how lucky we are!!

Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 20:22

tigana, did you say your dh cooked dinner?

OP posts:
mummybroccoli · 14/05/2009 20:24

Guidance? Mine needs a size 4 up his arse most times. Although the bedtime routine is and always has been his, he baths our DS and gets him ready for bed then I come up and BF and put him down. He has tried to wriggle out of this on a few occasions however I just reminded him that having the children all day is my JOB, when he takes him for that 10/ 15 mins to bath him, it's my break time to chill out so get on with it!

Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 20:24

bigchris, he never gets home before about 9pm normally!!! I do everything on my own normally.
He chose to do all the other things with them, but the really hard bit (and he does know it's the really hard bit) he didn't want to help with

OP posts:
Worldsworstmummy · 14/05/2009 20:25

No offense taken FOG (?!) it just sounds like a lack of communication. No point someone doing a fabulous pedicure if all you really wanted was your eyebrows done...iyswim

tigana · 14/05/2009 20:27

yup.
He always does.
It's not helping out though. He does it for purely selfish reasons. [bad cook emoticon]

idranktheteaatwork · 14/05/2009 20:28

Did you offer to do his work for him?
Yabu. He did help out but he also had work to do. You cant expect him to do 50% of the childcare and do his job.

pollyblue · 14/05/2009 20:30

you said he came home very early at 5pm, so I assume he's not usually around for tea/bedtime? It sounds like he just got wrapped up with the novelty of extra time playing with the dcs and perhaps really didn't realise that you wanted him to help.

Yes most men, Gawd bless 'em, do need some things spelling out to them, otherwise they think all is fine and dandy. Is it really worth having a row about though? He's still going to be working this evening, when the dcs are in bed,......it's not like he just played with the children then went and sat on his backside for the rest of the night

Worriedunfortunately · 14/05/2009 20:31

My office shut due to flood today too...

Anyway, if he was actually working from home UABU I'm afraid, if you're WFH you're supposed to be working.

If he was actually just using the WFH thing to get out of the bits he didn't like, no you're NBU.

curiouscat · 14/05/2009 20:36

YANBU he could have asked what you wanted and not fallen asleep. I'm sick of men cherry picking the 'fun' parts of childcare and then having something more important to do when it's time for the boring/hard bits.

With a baby that young he should have put them all to bed and cooked you a lovely meal

Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 22:08

lol worried, maybe the same place??

Yes curiouscat, that's what I think!

All fine anyway, big apology and lovely evening together. All well, and I must communicate better!

OP posts:
Original poster
FearOfThePig · 14/05/2009 22:08

he made a big apology btw, not me!

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 14/05/2009 22:40

curiouscat you think that he should have done all that on top of a 9 hour working day?

Worriedunfortunately · 14/05/2009 22:45

FoP - More London?!

posieparker · 15/05/2009 11:12

Seren, looking after a newborn and two other children would be a doddle if it were ONLY 9 hours.

Noonki · 15/05/2009 11:17

Seren [shocked]. you honestly think that 9 hours at the office is equal to 24 hours with 2 toddlers and a newborn

ffs

of course he should have helped with any fuss, it takes about 15 minutes to bathe and dress the kids...watching tv hardly counts as childcare.

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