Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Bullying advice please

29 replies

SingleMum01 · 13/05/2009 14:22

hi, I posted a couple of weeks ago that my 6 year old had been smacked on the face on 2 occasions over 2 days at his afterschool club. The first time, the boy adamently denied doing it, the second time there was a mark and the boy admitted it. The parents were told by the afterschool carers.

This week my boy has told me he's been smacked on the face again in playtime - resulting in him crying and an older girl taking care of him. He was still crying when he went back in to school and told his supply teacher what had happened.

This boy has also smacked and pushed other children.

Am I right to ask for appointment with my boys teacher. I don't know what the school will do, at the very least I want them in separate registration classes next year(although they will probably be in the same maths/language classes as they are of the same ability).

The bully has previously verbally said not nice things, ie, so and so isn't your friend anymore and I've told my boy to ignore him, but I feel its reached another level now.

Advice please!!!!

OP posts:

hullygully · 13/05/2009 14:25

Speak to teacher and insist it's dealt with (in a terribly polite and friendly way of course), if not go to the head. Show you mean business, with lots of kids in a class it's unfortunately too easy for teachers to let things go.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 13/05/2009 14:26

I'm having this problem aswell. The boy was disciplined yesterday for kicking ds in the legs (bruises are nasty), I'm collecting him today so I can see if the telling off has made him keep away from ds, if not I am going to moan at the teacher, if this does nothing then I'll moan at the head. Violence in any form should not be tolerated IMO.

hullygully · 13/05/2009 14:27

Keep a diary of incidents and write letters outlining complaints as well so have evidence on record if necessary (harder to ignore then).

andiem · 13/05/2009 14:27

speak to teacher if you get nowhere put it in writing then they have to do something about it

MummyDragon · 13/05/2009 14:27

Agree with the other posters so far. YANBU. Definitely talk to the teacher, and escalate to the head if necessary. Physical violence is never acceptable. Try to stay as calm as you can when you talk to the teachers - not easy, I know. Good luck, and sorry this has happened to your little boy.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 13/05/2009 14:31

Thanks for all your advice, this is a new thing for me. I can't believe 6 year olds can be so violent. I'm a single mum and have brought my boy up to respect others and certainly not hit. I know sometimes they get a bit overzealous when playing but they weren't even playing this boy just smacked mine.

His dads coming with me for moral support and we have a good relationship with his registration teacher.

Do you think they will speak to the other boy and call in his parents? As I said they know about it but it obviously hasn't made any difference.

OP posts:

reallylostitnow · 13/05/2009 14:32

have you spoken to the parents of the other kid? I got noweher with school so spoke to other parents who were so mortified that their little bastard had been bahving so badly that the mum actually cried. that sorted it out very quicly. though i suppose it depends on the parents.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 13/05/2009 14:35

They should speak to the boy and his parents. Ds's school tend to not tell parents what's going on unless it's serious.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 13/05/2009 14:37

What makes it more awkward is I know the parents - they went to the same nursery and go to the same school holiday club.

On the second occasion the mother and I walked in the playground together and the afterschool carers told us both together. She didn't say anything. The next week I asked one of the afterschool carers to keep an eye on my son, and she told me the father said laughingly had his son hit anyone else when he next picked him up! So I'm not sure if it would make any difference if I did speak to them.

I wasn't sure if I should or not as they think the sun shines.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 13/05/2009 14:39

I don't get the parents that make this into a joke. It's far from it. Nerves maybe, I'd be so embarassed.

See what the school say first.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 13/05/2009 14:42

Thanks all, will keep you posted. Better go and see what's happened today.

Hope everything's okay for you too FluffyBunnyGoneBad - keep us posted.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 13/05/2009 14:43

sleepychunky · 13/05/2009 15:18

OP, can I recommend you call Kidscape on 08451 205 204? Brilliant advice on their helpine specifically for parents of children who are being bullied, regardless of where it is happening. Good luck - it is a horrible situation to be in

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 14/05/2009 11:58

Made an appointment to see my boy's class teacher after school today to see if it can be sorted. He got pushed over yesterday by this boy at playtime.

How are things with you FBGB?

OP posts:

Kimi · 14/05/2009 12:10

It is really bad when the parents will not take things like this seriously and stop there children.

I think you need to start with the class teacher and the head.

DS1 was bullied badly by an evil little shit who's parents thought their child could do no wrong, the school spoke to the parents time and time again but they would not accept their little shit child could do any wrong, it went on for 4 years they went to different high schools where the little shit tried to bully other kids and came badly unstuck to the tune of 3 year 5s beating him black and blue, broken nose black eyes busted jaw, but of cause mummy and daddy still would not have it HE could ever be in the wrong.

PLEASE PLEASE do not stop approaching the school and trying to get it stopped.
It is heartbreaking to see your child hurt

jessia · 14/05/2009 12:23

Can I butt in and ask those in these type of situations what you say to your kids (the ones being bullied)when they ask how to handle it? Because I am in the same boat, my DD2 (nearly 4) has constant trouble with one girl in her group at nursery, pinching, hitting, etc.
The situation is also awkward, the girls are best friends , even though my LO gets whacked she still wants to play with her, go round her house, etc. And I am also qu. pally with the parents.
I have informed the teachers, who said: "Oh dear, we were waiting for this conversation to come up" and it transpires my DD is not the only one targetted by the other little girl. They have spoken to the parents, who also joked it off first time (when told their little darling was biting, they said: "Oh, shall we bring a muzzle to nursery with her, then?"). Apparently the upshot now is that the girl not only hits, but then stands in the middle of the classroom and says that so-and-so has just hit her
So my DD (who the teachers have confirmed does not hit back) is getting to the stage she doesn't want to go to preschool. We have taught her to say, in a very loud voice, so teacher can hear, "X, don't do that, that hurts!" But do you have any better ideas of how to help them?

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 14/05/2009 12:26

Thanks Kimi, that sounds very much like this bully. They were both at a party on Sat where he punched and attempted to strangle my boy - so I told him off. Thankfully my boy was with his best friend and he told me what had happened. The bully then started crying and told his mum my son wasn't being nice to him! I told her that's because yours has just strangled mine, she just laughed.

My boy tells me the bully is okay sometimes and I gather they play together sometimes. It seems to be when there are other children around - whether the bully feels he has to be top dog and doesn't like it that my boy has other friends.

Whatever the reason, there is no excuse for violence.

OP posts:

Kimi · 14/05/2009 12:30

We went through the whole range, ignore it, tell a teacher, stay away from him, say loudly please do not do that, we even got to the stage where we said hit back but nothing worked.
A friend of mine who is a child psychiatrist at GOSH (on hearing an answer phone tape from my sons bully ) said the child showed psychotic behavior and he thought he needed proper help.

In the end I had the child, his dad and his step uncle arrested.

It is so hard to help a child cope with being bullied.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 14/05/2009 12:31

Jessia - that's exactly my situation, ie, they play together (sometimes) and I know the parents. I tell my son he must tell an adult when he's hurt, ie, a dinner lady or teacher. However, bless him he doesn't like to make a fuss, he's never been a tell-tale (not that its telling tales). The bully tells the teachers that my boy has done things to get him into trouble too - exactly the same situation.

I was reading the Kidscope site that someone recommended and they advise the bullied child shouts 'No' in a loud voice - maybe yours could remember that easier?

Its a horrible situation to be in.

OP posts:

Kimi · 14/05/2009 12:36

in a way I feel sorry for the child who bullied my son (although I admit I smiled for a week when I heard he had been beaten up)because he needs help but is not getting it.

His dad was violent and it was monkey see monkey do, we were friendly with the parents to start with, although the mum was always having a go about someone saying he/she does not like xxx, they said xxx did this to their child, they did not invite xxx to a party, he was ask to leave 3 pre schools.
But still the parents would never admit that their child could do wrong, the mother would actually turn her head and not see what he was doing.

If anyone comes and says either of my boys have done something I deal with it, that is what good parents do, bad ones let their kids get away with anything.

jessia · 14/05/2009 12:39

Yes, there is a big thing with DD1 (big sister to the one who's being bullied) about "telltales" at the moment, so our way of getting round that was not to tell her to go to the teacher, but to tell her to shout "X, don't do that, that hurts!" loud enough so teacher can hear.
We practised it at home with roleplay episodes that had DH rolling around on the floor in pretend agony as I pinched him or pulled his hair (just call us mad but it worked).
She's got it now (and I make her repeat it outisde the door every morning).
We also wanted her to realise that the girl must know why she can't just hit people (it hurts), and one other thing, if she just shouted "No!" then teacher might not hear above all the other kids playing and chattering, whereas if she's got this spiel hopefully she will be heard.
For now it seems to be working - poor little thing came home day before yesterday beaming all over her face, and I asked why she was so happy - "X didn't hit me today!"

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 14/05/2009 12:43

You wonder where they get it from - they must see it somewhere. I know when they're little they go through phases and have to learn what's right and wrong but at 6 nearly 7 I'm astounded that this boy thinks its okay to hit. It must really hurt too 'cos it makes my boy cry and he's never been a cryer.

What are the nursery doing about it Jessia?

OP posts:

jessia · 14/05/2009 12:56

"monitoring" at the moment.
I was furious, to tell the truth, when I first went to them about it - DD2 had been complaining on and off for a bit, but I am ashamed to say I didn't take it all that seriously at first (thought it may have been accidental, exaggerated on her part etc., of course gave her ideas on how to deal with it, but didn't take it any further).
So when I finally went to them, turns out they were well aware of it but had done nothing (i.e. not told parents, not told us parents of victims). The little girl gets told off afaik, but they say she is an ace at doing something on the sly and then moving rapidly away and looking as if butter wouldn't melt...
The teachers' story doesn't quite agree either. (They have 2 teachers who alternate mornings and afternoons, and 1 asst.) One basically says the little girl is doing it spitefully, while the other says "Well, you see, she just adores your daughter and she just goes a bit over the top with her affection." My a*se - on Friday DD came home with pinch marks that had cut the skin!
But at least they've been on at the parents... This is not a violent family, I think it might be more a case of adapting to life in a herd - she is an only child and absolutely doted on at home, so maybe she's just frustrated at preschool. But should it really be taking all this long to sort out?

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 14/05/2009 13:06

I would say it needs sorting out asap, it breaks my heart to hear another little one getting hurt by a 'friend'. How long ago did you tell them? have you said anything to the parents.

OP posts:

jessia · 14/05/2009 13:16

No, I haven't yet, and I don't really know how to go about it.
I first spoke to the teachers about a month ago, and now whenever my DD complains, the next day I go back and report it, and at the end of the day I ask how that day was between them. So they know I'm not going to let it lie.
I heard the girl a week or so ago saying to her mum: "X hit me today at nursery." So the mum said: "Well, what were you doing to her? She can't have just hit you without a reason" "Yes she did" and end of conversation. Now I don't know if any of the other children do hit back (but the teachers tell me on every occasion that my DD doesn't), but I think this little girl has the wool well and truly over her parents' eyes.
Report back on what your teacher says after your appointment today. let's hope she's a bit more effective than ours.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread