To be hurt by mum not visiting?

[Rossco]

We live 200 miles from my Mum and while I have travelled up to her she hasn't been here to see us since last October.

She used to come down 4 times a year but last year she came twice. I've tried talking to her but she just changes the subject. She's happy to go to my aunts for a week, her friend in London for a week, away for a short break with her friend and is planning a trip to Cyprus with friends in July. But she won't come here.

She was going to come down last month but cancelled, then she was coming this week but cancelled again. She says she'll try and get down in a few weeks time but I'm not holding my breath.

She phones everyday and let slip that she only does so because then she doesn't have to visit!! I miss her and am finding it hard to talk to her now, especially when she talks of the plans she has to go and visit x or y or to go on holiday with z.

AIBU to want her to visit?

Not at all unreasonable. Mums are funny things aren't they.
Poor you, mums are such a good support, sounding board etc (even though mine has funny ideas I really need her a lot of the time). Could you maybe email her or something - then she cant change the subject, or just sent her a card telling her you miss her?

Ask her why she doesn't want to come. Sometimes these things are better said. Otherwise you are going to build up resentment. I wouldn't be happy with her cancelling either, as presumably you are putting time aside for her.

Rossco, you're not actually my DH in disguise are you? It all sounds horribly familiar. Hugs to you. YANBU.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want your Mother to visit more.

Have you asked her why she has cut down her visits? Is anything happening when she visits you that maybe she's not happy with but is too polite to mention?

Is she having to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa or babysitting more than she'd like to? Do your children tire her out?

If this is upsetting you tell her you miss her very much and have noticed that her visits have dwindled and is there anything stopping her from coming more often.

I have tried talking to her but she's 'having fun' and 'living her life'. In other words she'd rather spend time with her friends than with her family. At the same time she will tell me she wishes we lived closer so she could see more of her grandsons.

If I do put her on the spot and ask when she is coming she says I'm making her feel guilty and that's not fair.

When she is here she offers to babysit for one evening so dh and I can go out but we don't always take her up on it. She sleeps in a bed so no sofa.

I think the boys do overwhelm her a bit but they are excited to see her and want to do things with her while they have her here. She's 56 so not overly decrepit yet .

It's difficult isn't it. On the one hand you're happy that she's "Having fun and living her life" but on the other you'd like to see more of her. It's sad that she feels guilty and put on the spot when you ask her when she's coming to visit. It's not worth pressing the matter if she's visiting through guilt. That wouldn't be fun for anyone.

Maybe, for the time being anyway, you should accept that to see her you'll have to do a lot of the running. Pop up to see her for the occassional weekend and hope that eventually she'll be more willing to make the trip to visit you in return.

Maybe she's got a boyfriend? Is she single? You refer to her on her own (ie not with your Dad). Could this be a possibility?

Would it be better for her not to stay with you, could she afford to stay in a B&B, so she has her independance and is not getting a 24/7 family dose. Does she drive? Maybe she feels a bit tired and limited when she stays with you- as in "in" your house-maybe she would prefer to stay elsewhere?
I would say, if you want to find out what is going on, then be prepared for the truth, my feeling is that she is not saying why as she doesnt want to upset you or cause a rift. So I suppose you have to be ready to hear what she says and accept that. Just be sure that is what you want. My mum pushed my brother to tell him why he DIDNT want her to visit all the time and now they dont talk at all,

how old are your kids ? As parents get older they sometimes find it a bit 'full on' to be staying in the same house as little children ,how ever much they love them.