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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send my MIL a birthday card?

18 replies

Daffodilly · 13/05/2009 13:28

DH doesn't send her one and never has, even before we met. I feel sorry for her - they aren't very close and she lives abroad (he moved to UK abotu 15 years ago). However, feel if I start I then have to keep it up or I will then be the one letting her down.

I do other things for her like send photos of grandchildren, occassional email updates and a picture get well card from DD when we had an operation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
maqrollelgaviero · 13/05/2009 14:14

Don't bother. Her son hasn't for years so she can't be that fussed. All the things you send from the kids, pics etc are probably much more valuable to her.

2rebecca · 13/05/2009 14:16

I don't send cards to my inlaws, that's husband's job, he adds my name to his. I send them to my half and add his name.
If he didn't bother I wouldn't feel it was my wifely duty to send cards, or if I did send them I def wouldn't add his name if he's going to be a lazy toerag. If they aren't close then perhaps he's actively choosing not to send her one. If I had chosen not to send a particular relly cards I wouldn't want my husband interfering and adding my name to his cards. I would expect him to OK it with me if he sent one just with his own name as well.

Frivol · 13/05/2009 14:17

oh i think you need to set an eg
but yes if h cant be bothered.

i like mine though.

MummyDragon · 13/05/2009 14:24

YANBU, but if you want to send her a card I don't see the harm in it ... equally, no harm in not sending her one either, given that her son doesn't and you already send pics of the kids etc.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/05/2009 14:25

I am very slack about sending cards to people, I usually think they are a waste of time and effort (bah humbug emoticon). However, I make exceptions for my mum (because she would probably clout me if i didn't send her one, frankly ) and my in-laws, because they are lovely, and I think they would be hurt if I didn't. It doesn't hurt to make the effort just once a year, and would probably make her happy.

ajandjjmum · 13/05/2009 14:28

It seems rather thoughtless not to bother. How would you feel if you dc didn't bother to send you a card when they are older?

newgirl · 13/05/2009 14:30

i think it is sad that you dh doesnt want to

do you think you could ask him to do it now from all of you? he may not really want to, but i think that's how i would wish it to be

Makeda · 13/05/2009 14:32

YANBU, but if you feel you'd like to do something, perhaps the sending of photos could coincide with her birthday?

BradfordMum · 13/05/2009 15:00

One bday card every 12 months isn't going to damage your finances or ruin your life, but it would make his mum smile when she opened it.
Send her a bloody card fgs!

Flibbertyjibbet · 13/05/2009 15:11

Dh doesn't get a card for his mum so I do it, but he has to write it and do the envelope.

On mothers day he forgot what day it was altogether and went round. When he was there and saw the cards from his sis and brother he said 'oh I forgot it was mothers day'. she said she'd rather just have a cardless visit or phone call than have any more mothers day cards written out by bilsgf 'to mum love from bilsgf, bil, bils dcs'.

in that order

So there was a card, but mil still knew that her ds2 hadn't bothered. And bilsgf just had to remind everyone that she soooo wears the trousers in her house

Original poster
Daffodilly · 13/05/2009 18:09

Er - I never said it would "damage my finances or ruin my life"!

Agree I would be gutted if my DS forgot my birthday in future years. However not sure I'd feel any better if it ends up being my daughter in law that sends the card on his behalf! Still would be obvious he can't be bothered to do it. To be fair to DH his parents divorced when he was a child and he stayed with his dad - hence not close to his mum, though no animosity there now.

Think I'll stick to sending pics and cards from DCs as she is their grandmother after all. I've only ever met her 4 times so while she is perfectly nice we don't have much of a relationship.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 14/05/2009 09:04

Agree, if my son marries I would far rather get an occasional card or phonecall from him than an annual card from my DIL.
My current MIL says she finds cards and presents from my husband more special now she knows he makes the effort (but sometimes forgets) to get them himself than when he was married before and his wife (who she never liked anyway) chose all presents and cards.
I think women are taking something away from a man's relationship with his family by doing all his card and present buying for him.

ajandjjmum · 14/05/2009 11:23

Dh and I help each other out, and if buying pressies for his parents is helping (and I'm better at choosing anyway!! ), I'm quite happy to do it. I do try and make sure that he writes the card from us all - especially Mother's Day - but it doesn't always work out.

For my mum's birthday, dh went and got her a jigsaw because she enjoys doing them. No-one asked him, and although we had got her present, she was thrilled because her SIL had thought of her.

I certainly hope my MIL doesn't feel sad when she sees my writing on the envelope - I think that although she is bound to love her son more, she's quite fond of me!!

Flibbertyjibbet · 14/05/2009 18:45

Its things like me not organising 'superdil' type cards and pressies everytime, and bilsgf doing just that...

That has got my mil slowly starting to think that 'superdil' isn't all she's cracked up to be and that flibbertydil is maybe not as bad as she thought.

I'd rather leave dp to have his own relationship with his mother than interfere in organise it myself.

As the mother of sons I'd also rather have a card once in a blue moon from a son that got off his arse to do it himself than some bossy organised dil doing it for him.

TheCrackFox · 14/05/2009 18:53

DH is such a lazy sod that I just do all his cards, presents etc. I would feel sorry for my MIL receiving nothing.

Flibbertyjibbet · 14/05/2009 18:55

Yes crack fox but do you wave the card infront of him and instruct him to write it out, or do you write it out to dear mum from thecrackfox, mrcrackfox and thecrackfoxcubs?

When necessary I do the former.

crokky · 14/05/2009 18:58

I usually send my MIL a card - it is her birthday soon and I today I sat DS (3) down with a card I had bought and asked him to draw something (scribble ) for his nanny. I gave him some stickers to stick in it and after he had done his work, I added my name, my DH's name and DD's name (DD is only 14m so she doesn't draw yet!). Anyway then I put a couple of photos in the card. My MIL will be thrilled to bits. My DH will forget that it is MIL's birthday, he would just let it go by and not give it a thought. Anyway, I think it is a good example to set for a child - they are going to want presents on their birthday from nanny so sending nanny a drawing and 2 photos on her birthday seems fine to me. I don't think she would get in a piss if I forgot - she knows I am busy and DH works 7 days a week, but she will like what I have sent her.

TheCrackFox · 14/05/2009 19:14

I do make him write it, but I put the address on, stamp it, then post it.

He really is a lazy twat regarding this.

We have 6 nephews and nieces on his side and if I ask him what they would like for Birthday/Christmas he just tells me not to bother buying them anything. I get them vouchers.

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