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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my brother and sis in law to make more of an effort with my family

4 replies

Kiansmummy · 12/05/2009 16:46

I come from a very close family, I have two brothers, one a year younger than me (26) who is engaged and has a two year old daughter. I live over 100 miles away from the majority of my family but still see them monthly and have a close relationship with them. My brother and his fiancee( who has a large family) live near my parents and I have a good relationship with them they are helped out considerably both financially and with child-care , even though they both work and my brother has got a very good job- this I dont mind honestly as my brothers fiancee was still a teenager when she had her daughter and they have a lot of financial responsibilities. I have always tried to help them out and used to spend a lot of money on them as I didnt see them as often as I would have liked, I always make an effort with birthdays, Easter and Christmas but they rarely do the same, they have missed both mine and my fiances birthday this year and didnt get my son an Easter egg, instead they showed me how much stuff their daughter recieved. When my mother asked them why they didnt get my son a easter egg they said they forgot and didnt remember that I got my niece a egg!
I appreciate that I may sound envious I am not at all as I am usually the first one to help them both but now I am not in the position to give as much as I used to though I never forget special occasions. Its almost like they dont care- even a card would be appreciated but very often I have to settle for a text or facebook message if anything! Should I just let this go or confront them- I am starting to back away from them because I feel a little hurt. Its not the first time I have felt they have taken advantage of me one instance was when I was down to my last tenner, my sis in law said she didnt have enough money for her lunch I paid for her and then she went out and bought her daughter a new outfit!!! I am unsure what if anything to do/say!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 12/05/2009 16:48

you cannot and shouldn't give anything to receive

do it because you want to - not that you want to be noticed or appreciated

it can be very hard to remember lots of different birthdays and occasions so don't take it personally

a text or facebook is still communicating - maybe not the way you would like but it is communicating none the less

the money issue is separate - do not get into that with family IMO

if she owes you a tenner, then by all means ask for it back

piscesmoon · 12/05/2009 16:54

rubyslippers has said it all. Just keep friendly and keep communications open-if you don't have expectations then you won't get upset.

slushy06 · 12/05/2009 16:55

It sounds like they are spoilt brats me and my partener had kids young I was 17 he was 21 having just finished his degree my family helped as much as they could and I never took it for granted. My nan bought ds his bedroom furniture my mum bought him a pram and clothes and gave me £2000 to help me attempt to buy a house. His family gave us a small £20 gift but I was gratefull for everything both sides had done and always made sure to remember b.days and I always felt embarresed and guilty at having to accept money and as soon as I was able stopped them paying for things. They sound v ungrateful to me.

lunamoon2 · 12/05/2009 17:15

I think your sil is out of order re the moaning about not having enough money then buying her daughter new clothes. I wouldn't lend or give her any money again but I don't like being taken for a mug.
Regarding the Easter egg/card situation I would feel exactly the same as you, although I will admit to having forgotten adults birthdays in the past!
If someone forgets my birthday I don't see it as a big issue but I do feel for my kids when it happens.
Perhaps ease off with the amount of presents you buy but still stay friendly and keep in touch with them.

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