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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my friend to stay with us?

14 replies

macana · 12/05/2009 10:46

I have a huge dilemma: best friend has invited herself, son and husband to stay in our flat for 5 days in summer. If we had a spare bedroom this wouldn't even be a problem, but we don't, so basically we'll have no lounge for 5 days. The truth is 3 more people simply don't fit in our home - she knows this, but they need somewhere to stay so she's informed us (not asked) that they'll be coming. We have a baby too, and like I say, if they do stay, it will render our lounge useless for 5 days (which is also where our dining table is, so no breakfast for husband before work) and make us all so cramped that I know we're going to get on each others' nerves.

I'm already feeling very low recently, so I recognise I'm probably overreacting, but I'm really tired of being the hostess, and I don't want to annoy her, but I think they're being unreasonable expecting to stay for so long - 3 days would be ok, but a whole working week....

But do I tell her and annoy her, or say nothing and stress myself into a breakdown??
Help!

OP posts:

clumsymum · 12/05/2009 10:51

If she really is a good friend, you should be able to tell her that you don't think this will work.

Frankly I think it is bloddy cheeky to invite yourself (esp. en-famille) to stay with anyone for 5 days, even if they do have a spare room. In your situation its downright unreasonable.

Tell her, straight, that altho you love to see her, you really do think this is too much, that you are afraid that all of you together in the flat will be just too difficult, and you don't want to do it, in case it damages your friendship.

wotulookinat · 12/05/2009 10:52

I think you should tell her. Explain that it just isn't workable at the moment. She should understand. It certainly isn't worth you having to stress about it so tell her as soon as you can.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/05/2009 10:53

This reply has been deleted

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MummyDragon · 12/05/2009 10:53

YANBU to feel this way. But are you her last resort, or does she have other options? Why does she "need" somewhere to stay - is it a holiday, or are they having work done on their own house or something? Could they afford to stay in a B&B and have dinner with you in the evenings?

If she really doesn't have anywhere else to go, and it's a necessity for her (i.e. not a holiday!), maybe you should grit your teeth and bear it, if she would do the same for you? That said, if I were in your shoes I would feel so invaded that I would probably end up booking myself into a hotel instead!

Meglet · 12/05/2009 10:54

Yanbu. You're going to have to be blunt with her. From the sounds if it there's no space for them to stay. I have a tiny house too and never have people to stay because they'd be in the open plan living / dining room. It wouldn't be fun for anyone. And if you don't have a garden that's even worse.

What's she doing that means she is so insistent on staying with you?

Bramshott · 12/05/2009 10:55

If she HAS to come and stay (and by that I mean if it's some kind of emergency, rather than a holiday!) then I'd be tempted to give them my bedroom and sleep in the lounge myself.

ForeverOptimistic · 12/05/2009 11:09

YANBU. I can't believe that anyone would have the cheek to invite themselves to stay even if you were living in a 20 bedroomed mansion!

You just have to tell her straight. Do it now, the longer you put it off the harder it will be.

smee · 12/05/2009 12:08

YANBU. We've had this, often. My darling brother thinks his family of four can drop by for days on end. We've a teeny bit more room than you, but not much. One bathroom, and the only toilet's inside. We have got a spare room but it's where I work and only has a teeny sofa bed, so if that's out I can't work. So after hinting lots I got truthful and bluntly said it's fine for one night, but no more or we'd kill each other. He seems to have taken the hint. If she's your friend, you could blame DH, but say you think it's for the best too - ie take the weight off you?

FrankMustard · 12/05/2009 12:10

YANBU - explain that it's impossible having that number of people in a flat that size,and whilst you'd be ok with a single night, 5 days is out of the question.
As long as you're nice about it, I can't see why she wouldn't understand - and if she gets funny about it, then she's got a problem!

GentlyDoesIt · 12/05/2009 12:14

YANBU. I think you should phone your friend as quickly as possible and say "I'm just trying to figure out how this is going to work out, can you give me a hand?" and then explain the situation with the living room, not having a table to eat off, etc etc.

It sounds really hard having the two babies put out of their routine for that length of time, too - however hard you try it will make for poor sleep and bad tempers all round after 5 days.

Does anyone have to go through the lounge to get to the kitchen? We had friends to stay with their new baby once and they had to come through the lounge (where we were """"sleeping"""" with our baby) a couple of times a night to use the microwave, make up formula etc. That was only for 2 nights. When they left, me and DH threw our arms around each other and said "Thank God that's over!" We are still good friends with the family and have since stayed with them, mind you the youngest kid out of our families now is 6 so it's a whole different ball game and whilst it was still bedlam, nights & meals were much more relaxed.

Final thought - if your friend needs to be at at yours because she has nowhere else to go and can't be at home, do you have any family nearby that you could spend nighttimes with?

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 12:16

Why does she 'need' somewhere to stay?

How old is her son and your baby?

I think that 5 days is a long time to sleep in someones lounge.

Jux · 12/05/2009 14:11

Put up a tent in the garden for them.

Overmydeadbody · 12/05/2009 14:14

Why does she 'need' to stay? Is it an emergency?

YANBU to feel like this, I would too tbh and would probably tell the friend it wasn't possible.

If they really 'need' to stay and you want to help out, let them have your bedroom, not the lounge, so you have the freedom to use it at any time.

(am confused though, even if they where in the lounge, surely your DH could eat breakfast standing up in the kitchen before work?)

Gorionine · 12/05/2009 14:16

I would offer my bedrooom and sleep in the lounge for family comming over but I think it ia a different thing for a friend to invite herself and her family for 5 days. I think you should have a chat with her as the arrangement seems to only suit her and not you. If you have a garden, I like the idea of them camping outside as Jux said!

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