Partner wants another child, I don't - advise please.

[FamilyGuy]

First post on here as a dad (I hope I?m allowed?) so treat me softly : )

I wanted a bit of advise from a broader anonymous audience, so I hope the kind folk of this site can help me. I have been together with my partner for thirteen years and have been married for nine. We have two great kids a boy and a girl (5 & 2). We have a great house, family, friends, extended family and live in a great community. We both work, enjoy our jobs and have no real ?worries? about life.

When we meet, I was not bothered about marriage or children, my partner was. Over time it was more important for my partner to get married than it was for me not to get married and after all, all I wanted was for us to be happy, so we got married ? which changed nothing.

After a few years my partner became pregnant (not planned) and we decided that this was as good a time as ever to start a family, we had a boy. I kind of wanted to stick at one, but my partner wanted another and I could understand the various reasons why so we had little girl, which is fantastic.

Our family is lovely and I wouldn?t go back for anything in the world, sure it?s hard work, but it?s great. Not far after our second was born my wife started discussing another child? I was happy with our nuclear family and think we are incredibly lucky. We have many friends who have had MC, as we have, or cannot conceive so feel very blessed we have our two children.

Over the months my partner has kept on and on about having another child, I said I was quite adamant that I didn?t want another child and bar a hamster or two the family I thought our family was perfect. I even talked about having the snip, which she was totally against.

This has taken over our lives, neglecting the warmth and fun we should be having as a family and that we should be having in our relationship. I can 100% say I don?t want another child and considering my thoughts pre marriage, I think I have given quite a bit. Again I reiterate I wouldn?t change anything and glad I have my wonderful family, as I didn?t realise how rewarding it could be.

I am quite active in our local community helping with summer festivals, school fetes etc, I also have a good network of friends and colleagues and see them regularly. I try very hard to spend time with my wife either out or cooking a meal and sitting down together, this often doesn?t work out. I also try and encourage her to see more of her friends, locally and in other parts of the country; she has the support from me to do this and can go away for the evening or weekend and I can look after our children. I am here whenever she needs me.

I am an active dad and play that role as much as possible, I do the morning shift, breakfast, get them dressed, take them to school/nuresery etc. My wife does the late afternoon shift and we share the bathing, evening meal duties. Having said that I would say my wife is definitely the primary carer.

Am I being unreasonable, is my wife being unreasonable, how can we move forward on this? Any views would be gratefully received.

Many thanks
Proud Dad

MsMargot, that chimes quite well with my experience. My youngest is 3.2 now, and I've just started thinking that I don't suppose I will have another baby and am giving away the cot, pushchairs and baby clothes to pregnant friends with only a few tears.

(of course it'll be quite easy to buy new cots and baby clothes if need be )

To err on the safe side, say you'll decide when the youngest is 3.6!

All I will say is for some women, the situation you describe can be a deal breaker, for me if I hadn't been allowed to try for the 4th I would have left last year. This year I feel completely differently but at the time with the urge being so so strong all that was important was that need for a new baby, however I do now see that it was disguising other issues within the marriage, so maybe that needs to be explored ??

I might be an insensitive, logical male here but isn?t this selfish on the family as a whole and the wellbeing of the existing children? I do understand there well may be ?natural? urges here, but that cannot be an excuse, can it? I never use ?caveman? excuses for my behaviour.

If you are prepared to walk if you don?t get your own way, isn?t that at the detriment to a balanced family life with, mum and dad and kids? Seems very odd to me.

I am sorry I finding it near impossible to see why anyone would want to split a family because you wanted more children, with someone else if need be. It goes against everything that you are yearning in the first place, a loving stable, family.

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Familyguy, focus... on your own family and not other women's priorities and decisions...!!

A few people are telling you the same thing

"I found that with time, the 'urge' is slowly decreasing."

Could you ask your wife to wait 'til the youngest is 3 and a half.... and then if she still really wants another child you'll be more receptive to the idea. THEN. And not 'til then.

Pitchounette, good post, really explains what it's like. I'm on my own now. I also saw myself as a mother of three, maybe even four. When I split up with my xh, I also had to grieve for the fact that I'd only ever have 2 children (although that was overshadowed by other more prescient concerns, but it was still in there you know!)./

Familyguy, hope you understand that it's not women being 'selfish'. This isn't spending the weeks housekeeping on highlights. It all boils right back down to the continuation of the species I guess. I suppose as contraception is a relatively new thing, it's unnatural for women to have 'only' 2 children, and yes, it feels ...................... 'wrong' isn't the right word exactly. 2 feels too few. I sort of feel where are the other children sometimes!! I think it is a female thing. There are other children out there in my imagination, in a parallel universe. They could have been mine or should have been mine.

Familyguy - Could you show her this thread? It shows that you obviously love her and the family that you have. By reading it on her own you may then be able to get together and talk more rationally.

I wanted more children after my 2nd, but dh didn't for very much similar reasons to yours. Some of his other reasons were - 3 bed house not designed for 3 kids, holidays are designed for 2 adults + 2 kids, couldn't get 3 car seats across back seat of car, glad to be past the nappy/bottle/broken nights stage.

My logical side agreed with him and I would never have felt entirely comfortable with having more if I felt that I had 'badgered' him into it rather than it being a joint decision.

My youngest is 15 now and though I don't regret the decision I still have moments of 'what if?' In fact, I often have a dream (2 or 3 times a year) where I do not know I am pregnant until I am in labour and am delighted to have a new baby. In the last one I had a beautiful baby girl with a mop of jet black hair So maybe I'm stil grieving?????

Agree exactly with what Pitchounette says , only I just have one (perfect) DD . 4 years old now.
I am getting to a contented place now with no resentment towards DH.......

Sorry if my earlier post was insulting (too strong a word maybe) - it was just as if you were suggesting if she filled her life up a bit more then the urge would go away, but with working 4 days a week and 2 DCs, it sounds like her life is quite full already!

I agree MrsMargot who says that 2yo is the hardest time. I look at my 2y9mo DD and see that she is making that transition from toddler to child and it is hard. I know it's not going to be too long before I can't pick her up for a big cuddle before bed and sing her lullabies whilst she's snuggled into my neck. I am sad because this era of our lives is approaching an end. However, I can also see that for many reasons, having another child wouldn't be the answer and know that in another 3 years, we'd be facing the same sadness with that child. But, despite my rational thought process (house not big enough really, could I cope with risk of another miscarriage, the sleepness nights, the knowledge that a new era is not bad and they're actually a lot of fun as they get older, etc), that doesn't mean I didn't cry a little when I wrote about the impending end to snuggly lullabies.
It's just not a rational thing.

If not counselling, then I would second everyone who said you need to continue to talk about this without judging from either side and try to accept each others feelings. No doubt a lot easier said than done But she really isn't being selfish, she's just trying to work through this instinctive urge to reproduce and dealing with the sadness of the end of a lovely (if difficult) period in your family's life.