I've upset my parents, totally unintentionally!

[onthepier]

My mum has hinted a lot lately, that she doesn't feel as involved as she'd like to be with our children, she keeps talking about all these friends of hers who have an "open house" regime at the weekend and children/grandchildren etc just drop in, sometimes for whole days, often overnight and how lovely that must be! We're fairly local to my parents and I feel we involve them a lot! They pick the dc's up once a week from school and then spend a couple of hours with us all, if I'm taking my dc's to a show or fun day out I'll normally invite them along and often we'll all (my dh as well) go up there for lunch and the rest of the day once or twice a month.

Obviously Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc, we're all there or they're here with us.

My mum's main issue seems to be that we don't actually STAY there overnight. She feels she's not involved in the day to day things, bathtime, bedtime etc, but we do live locally whereas my dh's parents don't, so when we see them we stay there for around 3 days, or they spend that length of time at ours. My mum commented again the other day about this, (as I was having a busy week workwise yet I'd still found time to meet her for lunch, it was the last straw).

I told her that when the children were really small, and she happened to be around at the bath/bedtime hour of day, she'd get so tense. It would constantly be, "Why have you done it like that, surely that way's easier, when you were kids we never had this hassle getting you to sit quietly at the dinner table, you give in too much, etc
etc!!"

Admittedly the dc's are much older now and this was a long time ago, but even now if they're running around hyped up after school or the youngest has a tantrum, she can't seem to cope. She's instantly stressed and irritable, the dc's sense it and the whole day can be ruined.

I did tell her all this and she got really offended and upset. She said I'm over sensitive and is even saying my dad's upset over it, but the irritating thing is she won't admit she's like it.

Surely it's far better for me to do all the routine stuff that needs doing in my home, then see their grandparents socially, meals out, daytrips, afternoons with the dc's playing in the garden, etc.

I had to say something for my own sanity but thought she'd agree with me how she can be, and try to find ways round it, not get all upset and I had no intention of upsetting my dad, who is the most laid back/easy going person you could find.

have to say my parents and inlaws both love seeing bathtime reading stories and odd things like that...

I usually tell them the routine and let them do it only helping if needed (kids love this to and don't play up as much!)

ps this can work to your advantage, i've started getting them to babysit, they bath baby and put kid to bed as we get ready, I bf baby then DH and I go out - best of all they love doing it!

I'm sure she'll calm down and get over it. I guess maybe it's an age thing as to how involved grandparents get. My mum is 50 and still working, even though she lives 5 mins away we really only see her on a sat afternoon for a few hours. My OH parents even less maybe once every 3 months.

Maybe just let her cool down for a few days then try talking to her again, say you didn't mean to critise her (it was in defense to her doing the same to you) and that not everyone does things in the same way.

To be honest it would do my head in having my mum around all the time or having to go to hers for half the week. You need a life too!

If she really wants to be involved then send the DCs over to hers overnight and let her get on with it. Let them stay there overnight (not you).

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Yep - agree with everyone who's said Sleepover! You get to go out (and lie-in the next day), DM gets to do things her way, and you don't have to watch

Both sets of GP love bedtime, if DS is in the right mood (which is most of the time) it's such a lovely thing to do together, playing in the bath, getting him readyfor bed and then a cuddle with milk.
However agree with rest send them to hers and have a lovely night in with your DH!

good lord! hand the kids over and plan yourselves a fab little weekend away!

Thanks for your posts, they do stay there overnight sometimes in school holidays but my mum seems a bit stressed out afterwards if they've both stayed, as she can't seem to cope with the bickering, (they're 11 and 7).

She seems to find it easier having them separately so we're trying to do that more now. My dd is at the age now where she's wanting more time with friends, so our youngest tends to stay there the most often.

There does seem to be a marked difference in the way our generation deal with our children, compared to the older generation, or maybe that's just me!

My mum's not one to just fit in though, she wants to control, wading in if I'm dealing with a argument or something, sometimes making it worse or creating a problem when there wasn't one in the first place!

My children and their cousins mean such a lot to my mum though, she just shows it in funny ways.

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don't worry so much! your mum wants to have them so obviously doesn't feel herself that it's too hard work. your kids will understand that their gran has different ways of doing things. dd is only 3 and already understands there are different 'rules' at grandma's house. she'll often tell us the funny things she does!

It sounds like she finds it all a bit much to manage and probably knows this in her heart of hearts but can't admit it and didn't like it being pointed out.

It's tricky. And it puts you in the even more tricky position of engineering a smooth hassle free visit which will make her feel better, look like she's coping and make it look like she's helping you out no end. Meanwhile you have to paper over the cracks and anticipate any hurdles.

My parents are a little bit similar. They only had me but I have 3 dc and they're not used to that quantity of children hurtling around.

They love them to bits and love seeing them and having them. But I can tell it burns them out after too long. My dad gets a bit grumpy with the noise and chaos after a bit (I don't blame him so do I). The children are very good really - he's the first to say that, but it's just a lot to manage for too long. They'd never admit that and I guess I wouldn't bring it up.

The dc stay over only occasionally there, whereas MIL seems more laid back about an over night stay and has them more for that and is happy to take them swimming and jump in with them etc.

My parents have them for tea once a week and because they are local have helped me out loads of times when I've been stuck trying to be in two places at once with dc. We also have dinner there quite often - my mum enjoys cooking and feeding everyone and whipping up cakes.

I really appreciate that input from them and let them know how much that helps me too. So they know that lots of little bits of backup are just as helpful as whole nights away or big outings.

Another way to involve your mum as she's local is to get her round early to your house if she wants to babysit and let her take over tea, baths, stories etc but in your house while you get out early. She might find that less stressful as it's not in her house. Everything will be to hand and she'll be able to get stuck in with the routine stuff without feeling too invaded at home. The dc will be on more relaxed territory too. My parents do this and it works well.

Thank you, we've got half term coming up so I'll try to involve my mum in things then, I my suggest dh and I go away for a night or two, then she can have the children and do things "her way" for a few days!!

My Mother is a bit like this. Gets cross with them and winds me up as well as the DC's. I did a day planner for her with everything from what sort of time they get up to going to bed. What they were allowed to watch on tv, what type of food they were into and what went down well for them. What was a treat etc etc etc, took about 4 pages etc.
Then gave it to mum and said this covers what the kids normally do, when they get hungry, when tired etc and that seemed to help. It meant she didn't have to ask what was happening and the kids knew that she knew when lunch was etc and it wasn't late which would make them grumpy and misbehave.

Good luck it's a tricky path to tread,.

I suspect the 11 year olod would rather have a friend round for the night than go to grannies, especially if grannie is wanting to get involved in her bath and bedtime. Has grannie frogotten how old she is?. How about dropping the younger 1 off overnight and the older 1 stays at home so can hang out with friends etc if both kids are happy with this. This would be less stressful for grannie as well.
It sounds as though your parents see the kids alot.
I work during the week and am divorced so only have the kids alt weekends. The last thing I'd want to do when I have them is send them to relatives on a regular basis. As kids get older they prefer to be with their own stuff/ computer access/ friends anyway.

Wow, onthepier, you are great at involving your parents in your family life. You do loads together.

Your mum may not be happy with it not being enough but it's more up to you and your partner to judge what you're happy with in terms of their involvement. I don't think you need to go round pleasing other people all the time. You're too busy for that anyway!