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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my visitor to stay in a hotel when she

18 replies

usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:13

A friend in the US has asked to come and stay sometime in the next 6 weeks. We haven't seen each other for a few years, though we were close and she has been very generous to me in the past, and I'd love to see her. Since we last met circumstances have changed for both of us: she's given up her lucrative job and hasn't found another, and divorced; while I have given up my job to look after my daughter, 19m, and moved to live abroad. DH and I are currently living in a 1 bed flat, with DD in the bedroom and us in the living room. Experience tells us that sharing a room with DD means nobody gets any sleep, and as the sole breadwinner DH needs to get some shuteye, for everyone's sake. If we had any money I'd offer to put my friend up in a hotel for her stay, but since we don't AIBU to ask her to pay for her own hotel? It may well well mean she can't afford the trip, and I don't want to offend her after her many instances of hospitality to me. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:15

Sorry - meant thread title to be "when she is coming from US to see me"

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 11/05/2009 07:17

If it was me and it was a really good friend then I would tell her the situation but say that you and her and the baby would have to sleep in one room and your dh in the other so he is fit for work . I don't think I could ask someone to stay in a hotel especially when they have lost a good job and going through a divorce .

kitbit · 11/05/2009 07:18

Do you have a friend she could stay with, or family? How long would she come for? If it's only a couple of nights I would grin and bear it to be honest, if it's for longer I think you'll have to be honest. Does she know already your living arrangements?

..or could dh stay with a friend for a few nights, you sleep with dd and your friend take the living room?

oliviasmama · 11/05/2009 07:19

Gosh I think she'd completely understand.....and maybe want to stay in the hotel.

I'd want my own space if I were her.

SoupDragon · 11/05/2009 07:20

travellingwilbury's suggestion is good. Also do some research to find cheap accomodation nearby for her.

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 07:21

How long does she intend to stay?

Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:23

Thanks, these are all good ideas. Unfortunately I have no friends or family locally - have only just moved here from UK. DH could maybe stay with a colleague for the work nights that she wants to stay? Friend is childless and I don't really think I can ask her to share a sofabed with me in DD's room while DD natters to herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:25

Don't know how long she plans to stay. Would guess 3-4 nights? She doesn't know either that we are in such a small flat, or that we are in a quiet suburb rather than glamorous capital city that she might have thought she was visiting.

OP posts:
moondog · 11/05/2009 07:30

3/4 nights??
Jesus, I would think twice about having someone in my 4 bedroomed house for that long, let alone 1 bedroomed flat.
Not unreasonaBLE AT ALL, NO.

Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:41

She is very considerate and certainly wouldn't want to impose. I am only guessing that long because of the distance she is travelling to get here - wouldn't expect it to be a flying visit.

Anyway will call her tonight, find out how long she is thinking of coming for, explain the situation and see what she says. Thanks for your help!

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 11/05/2009 07:46

You both sound v nice but given her circumstances (no job, divorced so am assuming skint) and the fact she is coming specifically to see you I think it's a bit much to ask her to pay out for a hotel that she probably can't afford. Does your DH have any friends nearby that perhaps he could stay with for a night or two?

Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 07:54

Kitsmummy, I'm worried you're right, that's why I posted. DH might have a colleague he could stay with, but no friends. I'll need to check this with him before calling my friend. That would be a better solution than asking her to shell out for a hotel, unless she can afford it and I'm worrying about nothing. Won't know until I talk to her, I guess. Ugh, I hate talking about money.

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saintmaybe · 11/05/2009 08:43

Maybe you could spend 1-2 nights with her in a hotel in the city centre, which would mean you could share the cost and spend some fun me with her?

saintmaybe · 11/05/2009 08:44

fun time not me. Though I am fun

junglist1 · 11/05/2009 09:50

Does she know you live in a one bed? If she does, and still asked to come and stay, I'd be peed off, TBH. Now the situation is all awkward with you thinking what shall I do and in a dilemma, when to me it's obvious you don't push yourself on someone who doesn't have the room. You want to see her though, so maybe just put up with it? It's a difficult one. Don't want to sound harsh, that's how I'd feel if I was in your position.

Original poster
usedtoreadbooks · 11/05/2009 10:37

Don't think she does know and she may reconsider when she finds out. We have a sofabed that is in DD's room - think will start by offering to pull that into the living room so that she has to share a room with us, rather than us with DD. She might offer to get a hotel at that point anyway. Thanks for your help!

OP posts:
summerbird · 11/05/2009 10:38

I would be completely honest with her, call her up and say that you are really looking forward to seeing her, but want to let her know that you are only in a one bed flat and your DH will have to take the bedroom and you three take the lounge etc etc.

I see your point that it is unfair to ask her to share a room with DD however that is the situation you are in and have no choice in the matter. I am sure if she is a good friend it wont matter to her as the main reason for the visit is wanting to catch up with you and your family. She can then make her mind up what she wants to do. I personally wouldnt offer to pay for a hotel as you have offered an alternative.

Good luck i am sure it will all be fine

InsomniacMumontheRun · 11/05/2009 10:44

If you are already struggling to fit in your own house then there is no way I'd be offering her a bed for the night.

I'm sure once you explain the situation she will be fine with it and all the worry will have been for nothing.

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