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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be worried about 4 yr old made up stories?

19 replies

Worriedunfortunately · 10/05/2009 17:05

My DD is 4. Her father and I are split up (happened when she was a baby). It was a fairly acrimonious divorce but now things seem to be sorted and visitation etc is arranged.

However, she keeps getting me into trouble by saying things that aren't true! On the phone the other day she told her father and her grandad (his father) that she wasn't allowed to visit them because mummy wouldn't let her. This is totally untrue. I did stop overnight visits for a while because she told me she didnt want to do that anymore.

Then, on the next phone call she said that mummy said daddy didnt look after her properly. Now, this IS what I think, however I have never voiced this in front of her, in fact I go out of my way to 'big him up' to her. Again, her father was not happy with me at all and is accusing me of running him down to her now.

Then when my DP picked her up from nursery last week she had told them that an insect bite that she had scratched and made into a big sore was actually a burn! When I asked her about this she said that it was a burn that she had got boiling water on herself from the kettle! I know for a fact it was the insect bite and she has NEVER been burnt in any way ever.

AIBU to be worried that if she doesnt stop this soon I'm going to have a very irate ExH on my doorstep closely followed by Social Services??? Do all 4 year olds do this or is something going on??

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 10/05/2009 17:31

My son does similiar between myself and my ex-h - I was told it was normal "imagination" but the examples you give sound as if they could cause issue if relayed to the wrong person (teacher, nursery nurse).

No advice, I'm afraid, but wanted to bump this for someone with more practical advice.

Boys2mam · 10/05/2009 17:32

I should also say I discuss this regularly with my ex so he knows to take any 'stories' with a pinch of salt

Original poster

Worriedunfortunately · 10/05/2009 17:57

Hi Boys2mam, thank you for your reply. Am starting to get really upset by it because its really causing problems with ExH. I've discussed with him whats happening but he still holds it against me.

On a different note, when she comes back from visitation she is vile. I'm writing this in tears as shes come back this afternoon, doesn't want to cuddle or speak with me, shes currently on the naughty step after answering back and being horrible to her step father. Is your son the same? Really at my wit's end here.

OP posts:

MollieO · 10/05/2009 18:02

Sounds normal imo. Ds (4) is always making up very elaborate stories with enough detail to convince people (other mums, his teacher, grandma etc) that they are true. Gets quite embarrassing sometimes but I just assume it is a phase he'll grow out of by the time he is 21.

katiestar · 10/05/2009 18:49

My DD2 sometimes make stuff up like this.Once aged 3.5,she and I were queuing up for the toilet in M& S when she started shouting stuff like 'why have you taken me away from my real mummy ' and 'i want to go back to my real mummy and daddy'.
Goodness knows where that came from.She is our birth daughter ,not adopted fostered anything like that .Scary thing was no one in the queue batted an eyelid

Boys2mam · 10/05/2009 19:12

Sorry, I was off getting my 2 Ds's into bed.

Yes Worried, my son was the same when he came home but as my ex lives 300 miles away visits are usually only every 3-4 mths. DS used to come back with a major attitude - he would be cheeky to my DP, answer back and be disruptive at school ( I would have to warn the teacher when he was due to visit so she knew the reason for his unsettled behaviour on his return).

He's 5 now and has settled down ALOT. I don't know if it a matter of time with the consistent arrangement, or if he's grown out of it or if its a bit of both. The stories continue though. Maybe putting it out there with the people your most concerned about hearing these things (you mentioned Nursery) so they know she's unsettled at the mo.

As to the behaviour, how is she generally? How often are her visits to her Dad?

Sorrento · 10/05/2009 19:22

She is attention seeking by the sounds of it, looking for reassurance, hopefully she'll grow out of it when she sees she doesn't get a reaction from either of you.
I just went that's nice dear, shall we have an ice cream

womblingfree · 11/05/2009 00:05

I can understand your concern as my DD has a tendency to 'exaggerate' at times.

I would say that discussing it with your ex and her nursery would be a good idea and then ignoring it as much as poss.

Also, even if you don't say anything negative outright to your daughter about your ex - be very aware and careful of anything she might overhear or vibes she's picking up as they are spot on at doing this at 4.

My mum and MIL can't stand each other and my DH is not very forthcoming as far as my olds are concerned. DD (4.7) has picked up on this and has been coming out with all sorts since I went back to work recently and the 2 grans are helping with childcare.

You have my sympathy - sorry I can't be of more help.

lilacclaire · 11/05/2009 00:10

My ds is 4 and announced loudly in the doctors waiting room that my dp hits him with a belt and hits dss (15) with a belt.
DP is completely against any form of corporal punishment, talk about embarassment!

I have noticed that he is much more imaginative at the moment in lots of areas, so im guessing its normal development to try and get your parents hung!

lilacclaire · 11/05/2009 00:14

God it even sounds dodgy writing it

He's much more imaginative in his play and stories etc than he was even 6 months ago, so im putting it down to an extension of that.

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 00:38

Message withdrawn

Triggles · 11/05/2009 07:51

DD did this when she was about 4-5 yrs old as well. Fortunately, she had a tendency towards the more outlandish tales - such as telling her teacher that someone broke into our house over the weekend and stole our bathtub!

Original poster

Worriedunfortunately · 11/05/2009 08:35

Thank you for all your replies, it has helped put my mind at rest. I spoke to nursery this morning, embarassing but at least they understood she was making the boiling kettle thing up!

I've also let ExH know so that hopefully he will at least ask me if she says anything else.

She sees him about once a month. I think she thinks that when talking to me she cant say shes had a good time with him and vice versa, so I've had a gentle chat to explain that mummy and daddy want her to have a nice time with each other.

Will definitely try the boy who cried wolf story!

OP posts:

kslatts · 11/05/2009 08:43

My dd2 went through a phase when she would tell lots of stories. One day her teacher congratulated me on my pregnancy as dd had told her I was going to have a baby.

Boys2mam · 11/05/2009 09:30

The best one my DS has come out with recently has been that he was bitten by a snake that day at school and poisoned - the teacher had to take him to hopital and when I asked why she had not told me, he said she must have forgot!!!

Definately testing what they can get away with.

Boys2mam · 11/05/2009 09:33

obviously I meant hospital

staylucky · 11/05/2009 09:40

Phew...not just me then.

My gal is 5 and has a very active imagination! I'm not sure if it's some kind of mis judged loyalty or just a natural reaction but she has told tales about her dad and his new family and quite probably also about me to him.

She visits him every weekend and I totally know where you are coming from about the moodyness on return. It's hard when you spend 90% of the time with them but that one day can completely throw your whole routine out. We've been sperated for about two and a hlaf years now and I have to say it's getting easier so don't give up!

Mine has this one story about her wanting a hug when she was three and I burned her with a cigarette. I mean I have just got NO IDEA where that came from and she always manages to reel it out in front of my mum or something.

It helps if you can set up good stable lines of communication with your ex.

MrsBeakman · 11/05/2009 10:42

My dd makes things up sometimes. Is it possible that the stuff she says about you not wanting her to see her dad and him not looking after her properly is actually a cry for help though and he really doesn't look after her properly and she doesn't want to go. The bad behaviour after a visit could be a symptom of that too.

Original poster

Worriedunfortunately · 11/05/2009 17:00

MrsB, this is what I was worried about and after she said it the first time (5 months ago) we stopped her staying overnight because she'd said he'd shouted at her and she didnt want to stay over ever again. She seemed very upset and repeatedly said this for over 2 weeks. We therefore just did day visits.

This caused lots of problems with my ExH, and his family, they were very upset with me. So then when she said on the phone 'I want to come and see you but mummy won't let me' !!! I got into even more trouble from them!

I've tried talking to her about it but doesn't seem to sink in. Can anyone recommend any good books to read post divorce to a 4 year old?

OP posts:

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