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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a little more from my 'best' friend in a time of crisis???

13 replies

mosschops30 · 09/05/2009 14:10

Some of you will know that I have just been through two of the worst weeks of my life (or a major contender anyway).

Last Sunday I phoned my friend in tears (after txting her and askingnif she was ok to talk) to explain what had been happening and I just cried and cried for about 40 minutes, whilst she made all the right noises and gave me some options.
I text her again the following evening and a few hours later she text me back.

Since then ...nothing! Not a txt, even to ask how things are. She knew the week would be difficult, but she hasnt sent anything. Even my neighbour, who is a friend although not on the same scale, has txt me every day, asking if they can do anything, do we need anything etc etc.

So AIBU? And if not, what would you do about it?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 09/05/2009 14:18

YANBU and this is not an uncommon thing at all. My son was tested for luekemia last year and I felt let down by 2 supposed friends, who made all the right sympathy noises when informed and then didn't really bother. I was quite surprised at the ppl who did bother, they have now become closer friends. Do you know one person even said I was worried about nothing and lumps don't mean anything? People can be so crap.
I don't know what you can do apart from mentally detach yourself a bit.

AuntieMaggie · 09/05/2009 14:29

Same happened to me when I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago. Among those that said they cared but then didn't bother was my father who I now haven't seen for over a year because he doesn't bother with me.

It made me realise that life is too short to surround yourself with people who bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Instead invest the time in those that make you feel good about yourself and actually do care, like your neighbour.

I'm still surprised at the lovely friends I've ended up with who do care about me and show it when I need them.

I don't know what has been happening to you but I hope it gets better soon. x

jellyrolly · 09/05/2009 14:41

YANBU to expect support from a close friend in a time of crisis, she sounds crap. I had similar with my best friend and it's taken years to get back to being as close again.

What would I do? Try and keep your energy for whatever your crisis is (sorry, I don't know what it is). Don't let yourself become upset and angry with her as it won't help you. Accept that some people are rubbish at some things, albeit very important ones. Hope she is thinking of you a lot but is just at a loss when it comes to being useful. Embrace those new friends who are good at support as they are obviously more similar to you and will become friends for life.

If you can find it in yourself not to judge her too harshly then you may salvage what is probably a long friendship. With hindsight, I'm glad I didn't bawl my friend out as despite her awful failings, I love her dearly and when my crisis had passed, I found I had lost enough without losing her too.

cory · 09/05/2009 16:00

Do you know that she hasn't got something really bad going on in her own life?

I feel very guilty about not having been around enough for my friend who died recently of cancer.

But I have had a lot of difficult things going on in my own life lately, and I hope she would have understood and did not just write me off as crap. When you know somebody else is very fragile, you don't want to offload all your problems on them.

MrsMcCluskey · 09/05/2009 16:07

WHat do you honestly expect of her? Apart form sympathetic noises?
SHE has her own life too.
SOme people aren't as good in a crisis as others.
jellyrolly talks a lot of sense

coolma · 09/05/2009 16:40

Oh don't set me off, had a similar situation - I was no longer 'useful' so my desperation wasn't important. My honest opinion? Just let her go and don't worry about it. If people can't help you out in a serious crisis, they really are not worth bothering with.

wb · 09/05/2009 17:06

YANBU but unfortunately a crisis is when you find out which friends will go the extra mile and which won't. Last year we had a big scare with ds2 and (retrospectively) it was very interesting to see who helped us through it and who just sort of blanked us. I am still friend with everyone but do have a better appreciation for certain friendships.

Hope some of your friends do do more than make sympathetic noises when asked. You may be surprised which ones do...

NoNameNoOtherAlias · 09/05/2009 17:24

YANBU

A crisis always seems to sort the 'real' friends from the acquaintances.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 09/05/2009 17:33

Thanks for the replies. AFAIK she doesnt have anything going on, most of her worries centre around the her kids (not massive things like the ones described here though). Im sure I would know if she had anything major going on as her dh and mine are also friends.

I dont know what I expected MrsMcClusky, maybe a couple of txts even if she didnt have time to phone just so I knew she was at least thinking about me. I hope that if she had something major happening in her life I would remember at least once a week to check in.

OP posts:

hatesponge · 09/05/2009 17:45

yanbu in the slightest.

I think in some friendships you develop certain roles and if you are the 'supportive' friend, whilst others are keen to receive your support, they're not used to - or even able to - reciproacate when you need their support back.

In a particular group of friends I have always been the one who organised everything, sorted out everyone's problems and did most of the keeping in touch. This was despite being the only one with children, and working a lot more hours. I never got any help with my own problems - after I split with my ex they all wanted to keep in touch with him (despite him having been physically and emotionally abusive to me - which they knew about) & all said they thought it was such a shame we couldnt have worked it out

I'm still friends with them, but I make no effort now to keep in touch, and whereas I used to call them every week without fail, they have contacted me once in the last 3 months. I have realised that whilst we all get on well when we meet up etc, they can't or wont ever help me in a crisis - luckily I have other wonderful friends who I have found I CAN rely on.

glitterchick · 09/05/2009 22:59

I think you find out who your real friends are in times of crisis. A few years ago particular events took place in my life which was hugely stressful and life changing and I really needed support from family and friends. My 'best friend' just wasn't there for me at all i.e. no calls, emails or texts despite me trying to speak to her. I think her lack of support just added to the stress to be honest. She was bridesmaid at my wedding and is god mother to my eldest child so I just couldnt believe how uninterested she was in my crisis. Following that I cut ties with her and we are no longer in touch. I am sad at the loss of our friendship because up to that point I believed she was my best friend.

coolma · 10/05/2009 14:25

Pretty much what happened to me glitterchick. Shit isn't it?!

lisad123 · 10/05/2009 14:32

When Darren was dx a few weeks back, I was warn quickly that wewould find out who our true friends were. And I did!
Some people are so worried about saying wrong thing, they would rather not say anything. I have only had one person clearly aviod me, but still hurts
How you holding up?

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