to rule-out my MIL looking after the baby when I go back to work?

[jesstangle]

My MIL is lovely, but completely bonkers. She's mentioned several times that she'll be willing to look after the baby when I eventually go back to work. The problem is, I just don't trust her not to do something really silly. She is a terrifying driver, very forgetful and has a minute attention-span. How do I tell her there's no chance in hell I'll be leaving her Granchild in her care?

If you're unsure about her looking after dc then you either need to be straight (unlikely if you are like me!) or find some reason why not (which is what I would do, hate hurting people feelings)

Does she take many holidays? Mum looks after ds 1 day a week, but takes about 4 holidays a year so I lose loads of holidays covering hers iyswim.

YANBU, no definitely not unreasonable. I wish wish wish I had been firm and done that. (Mind you my MIL is not just bonkers with the attention span of a gnat, she's stupid, manipulative, unreliable oh I could go on...)

YANBU. End of.

Nope! No unreasonable. But you'll need to be careful how you tell her! Unless you give her some (partially supervised) babysitting duties now so that you can see how reliable she really could be? Mind you, the chaotic driving would be a deal breaker for me - FIL is a maniac and at the risk of a family row I put ds's safety first and put my foot down about him EVER driving ds anywhere. Was glad I did, a fortnight later BIL said the same thing about never driving their dc. Yay solidarity.

YANBU - Only use GPs as childcarers if you fully trust them and are happy with the way they will do things. Otherwise it creates issues. Trust me on that one!

If you are going back to work part time, then maybe (particularly if you are thinking of using a nursery) use the excuse that as he will be having home based care with you, you want a different experience whailst you are work - maybe to socialise with other children and so on...?
HTH

Not sure what your circumstances are but couldn't you say you ahve to use registered childcare to get childcare costs ?

Could you say that your relationship with her is too important to you and you think that her looking after the baby could jeopodise it?

Perhaps you could be getting childcare vouchers through your work (the ones you sacrifice some salary for) and so therefore need to use nursery / childminder to use them - she doesnt need to know that you have paid for them!

Does your DH agree with you as well, as you need him on your side, otherwise it will become your battle.

Good luck!

YANBU stick to your guns, good luck!

YANBU
Trust your instincts.

You can't say to her there is no chance in hell you will leave your baby with her.

Just get on with things and sort out your own arrangements.

Won't you want to spend time with her and the baby on your day off and enjoy seeing them together????

I am currently using 'to be able to claim childcare costs you would need to be ofstead registered and look after another non-related child' it sounds like you have looked into it but sadly it is not possible... (obviously only say that if she isn't going to turn around and actually register and find some other kid to look after)

Not for my MIL though. I would love it if she could be my childcare! Alas she lives a bit far away...

I wouldn't say anything and just arrange your childcare and tell her afterwards. I would say that you think it is nicer for grandparents to have an additional, special, role where they aren't responsible for the day to day care.

Some good suggestions, but what if the OP is relying on her parents to provide some childcare? Any excuses that would work in that situation?

To be fair she would have to avoid her own parents too.

YANBU. Don't ever mix childcare and family.

If you can't afford to work without relying on family - it probably isn't worthe the hassle.

Do what you want to do. Your baby not MIL's.

Jux - You make me want to cry! You let your stupid MIL look after your child.

I guess the money/time you save isn't stupid at all?

Unless I have mis-read this. Shame on you.

scotagm, that was cruel and unnecessary.

Don't mix child care and family I look after my dgs while my daughter works ...seems worth the hassle to my family

eh? @ scotagm

jesstangle, just tell your MIL that you & DP/H have decided that nursery is best for day to day care because you want your LO to be really well socialised with lots of other kids from Day 1, plus nursery has all the benefits of the latest equipment and baby/toddler teaching techniques which will give him a head start in his education

BUT that you would be delighted if she would be so kind as to agree to look after LO on random days ie inspection days at the nursery when it will be closed, or whatever.

(You know, THOSE inspection days... the ones that don't exist )

If you have any doubts at all don't do it. I moved DD from my MIL to nursery after a year against DHs wishes but never ever regretted it. Being a working mum is stressful enough!

If your MIL is as you describe then YANBU. My mother is similar and I would feel the same.
My MIL is brilliant with dds and would be great if she had my mothers health, transport and didn't smoke inside. My point being that nobody is perfect. Your choice for your child is just that, pros and cons. Believe me that free childcare should not be instantly dismissed. I didn't have the choice of a mother as both live 250miles away

I agree with pisces moon and would say nothing, just make sure your husband is in agreement with you and arrange whatever childcare you wish. If/when she notices you have something sorted just use the wanting time with grandparents to be special or some other such waffle, or wanting your kids to mix with other kids. When your kids are older you may feel happier about them spending some time with their grandparents which is why I wouldn't make a big issue of discussing it with her and would just let it dawn on her that you have something sorted.

thanks everyone, esp. ChocFridgeCake - v good suggestion, I think I'm going to try and sort nursery and tell her afterwards... the only option that won't offend!