to want to give up on my mum?

[PMSLBrokeMN]

There's a lot of history between me and my mum, to cut a long story short there was emotional/physical abuse when I was a kid, I've only just this past year come to terms with it and dealt with all the low self-esteem/depression/panic attacks that it left me with. I still see her now and then, we're civil but not that close. I didn't bother confronting her when I was going through counselling, as when I tried to years ago she just laughed it off and said I was imagining things .

Anyway, she occasionally (2 or 3 times a year) childminds for us, the last time she did so she mentioned taking me out somewhere on my birthday. I explained I was busy, she got the usual cat's-bum look on her face which I just ignored. Just to clarify, a few days before she texted me to ask if I was going to X event, I said no, she replied back 'well it's a thought' and I replied back with 'anyway XYZ is really getting on top of me right now' - I don't see how that constitutes an agreement to go to X.

Except it must have done, because come my birthday, nothing. No card, no phone call, nothing. I don't care about not getting anything, they say it's the thought that counts and all I can think is that her only thought was to sulk because I'd somehow inconvenienced her. WTF?? I'd ask her but she's a past master at game-playing and twisting things around, it's the kind of conversation that can't end well.

So, now I don't want anything more to do with her. TBH it's the final straw, I've put up with years of crap and enough's enough. It just might be that I'm being a little unreasonable though... I don't know, who invented bloody families anyway! She called yesterday and left a message, and texted me today, I don't know if I want to talk to her or not. Bloody cow still messing with me AAARGH!

OK, venting over, what do you all think?

nope, best thing i ever did
less hassle, no bitchy comments, more time with people i actually care about

Get rid. My mum is a lot like this and the best thing I ever did was to cut her out of my life.

A lot of people won't understand but you don't have to justify yourself to them. They weren't there, and if they were they were on the outside looking in, they weren't made to feel how you were.

You will hear "but she's your mum etc" don't let it bother you. Bad people have chidlren and just because somebody becomes a mum doesn't make them a good person.

But only do this because you think it will make you happy, don't do it for effect, to prove a point or win an arguement.

Cutting your mum out of your life is a huge step and should only be done if you want to remove a toxic person from your life.

I agree with gardeningmum - spend time with those people who make you feel good about yourself, and that you care about, and that care about you.

She sounds nasty.

Haven't talked to mine in 15 years. I keep people around that like or love me.

i have a really good relationship with my mum but i can completely understand why you want to end this relationship. for your own happiness and emotional stability, i think you would be right to do it. agree with ladyaga that alot of people wont understand your decision or reasoning, but if their behaviour is making your life unhappy and you know that it wont change with time or discussion then you need to ake that step away. i have had to do it with people in my life although not my mother. i am far happier knowing that these people can live their lives and it wont afect me because i wont allow it.

Poor you - YANBU at all. Family relationships can be d*mned complicated and it sounds as though you have really been through the mill. You have to be kind to yourself now - your mum is not your responsibility.

I've got to ask - if there was "emotional/physical abuse" when you were a child, why do you let your mum childmind for you?? I'm asking coz my mum was abused by her dad (physically and emotionally, not sexually), yet she left me alone with him on many occasions when I was a child. He was terrifying. He never actually hurt me, but I knew a little of what he'd done to her, and I've never forgiven her for allowing him to "look after" me - and I never will.

Forgive me if I've got the wrond end of the stick here.

Good luck.

You've hit the nail on the head. It's HUGE. I'm crying just thinking about it. I feel so ungrateful, but I'm not sure what I should be grateful for. Granted, she splashes the cash on her grandkids, and on me and DH, but money never has equalled love. I've been a hypocrite I guess in that I've just taken it all and not cared. Oddly enough, I'm not worried about how dad will feel. I remember one particularly nasty fight, I was sobbing and asking dad why he couldn't help me and stop her - he just said 'well she's my wife'.

I think I need to remember who I lent my copy of Toxic Parents to...

Oh, and MummyDragon - she's as good as gold with my kids, just as she was with my brother. It was just me she did it to, I was the eldest I guess. And yes, I'm sure of that, my kids wouldn't be shy in saying something believe me!

and DC know what happened to me either - none of their business IMO, they need to form their own relationship with her IYSWIM.

aaagh don't know

I agree with what other posters have said here. Your relationship with each other is unhealthy, not your fault of course. You just need to decide level of contact that you are happy with. Please don't think of what others will say (its much more common that you know not talking to a parent), don't let social pressure or guilt be a factor at all. I am a very huggy person and sending you a very un MN like hug

I've also got a difficult relationship with my Mum due to past history, and speak to her perhaps only 3-4 times a year (if I can help it) - she lives on the other side of the country though, and is not one for travelling so this is not too difficult to maintain.

I understand why you want to 'dump' her and don't think you should feel any guilt/remorse in doing so - sounds like you've tried to work through things with her in the past but been brushed off...However you mention that you want your kids to form their own relationship with her - how will this work if you have nothing more to do with her? Will you cut them off too?

This is the problem - as far as I know it's just between me and her, so I feel I'd be unreasonable in cutting her off from my DC. Plus they love her - or her presents anyway! She doesn't really go out of her way to spend quality time with them though, so should I be telling them that it's not the healthiest relationship (they're 11 and 7 by the way) and that whilst I can't have anything more to do with her, they should decide for themselves how they feel? I really don't want anyone (her) to accuse me of poisoning them against her, but then again would it be reasonable of me to cut their ties too in accordance with my feelings?

It's a bloody minefield isn't it, I get the feeling I'm tiptoeing around trying to keep everyone happy!

I have now not spoken to my Mum for 4 years and it has been incredibly freeing --- she left when I was 12, and since then has only ever seen me on her terms - loved being with us until the babies were about 6 months for example, then gave in as she wasn't interested any more.

She tried to interfere with medical treatment I was getting - wrote to my GP and my psychiatrist at the time as she thought they were "enabling" a drug addiction when in fact they were helping a lot with a painful condition I have now overcome - and I was never addicted to anything.

Two years ago my Gran died and my mother left it to me Dad (who she has been divorced from since I was 14, and only has contact with through my sister) to tell me Gran was on her last legs - I did manage to see her but only after she was beyond speech, unfortunately). At the funeral, my mother would not even look me or dh in the eye .... she says (according to Dad) that it would not have done any good .... I think she was too embarrased!

My mother is a "toxic parent" - the book by Susan Forward is fabulous! (although "parent" is too personal a term to use for my biological mother) and if the relationship is too hard, I would have no bother in cutting contact - it has done me and mine the world of good - dd1 remembers her, vaguely, the others have no memory, but as they have a fab Grandpa and Gran (my Dad and stepmum) and Grandparents on the paternal side, I have no bother. SHe chooses to remain distant from us - it is only her than is missing out on some amazing kids as her Grandchildren, but if she will not accept me for who I am then she has no rights over them either.

I have a very dificult relationship with my mum and both me and my brother have faced addictive behaviour (not substances) because of our lack of guidance and love as childen. We have both undergone Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and it has changed us both and given us the confidence to deal with our parents (its actually both of them that have problems). I dont feel i can completely cut them out of my life but i now have the ability to work things through that happen and deal with them differently. CBT really really helped ..... look up Beating the Blues on the NHS site .... my brother actually saw a therapist and I did it on a computer which worked for me as i didnt really want to have to talk to anyone. A conctructive way to deal with it...... however there are still occasions when i could walk away from my parents completely butin a much calmer controlled and confident fashion!!!

Thank you everyone, I need to go and think about this some more. I do have Susan Forward's book (somewhere!), I'll re-read it and think about what happens next. Luckily DH is very supportive (i.e. agrees with me completely) but then again he doesn't really like anyone !

Hi PMSL, my heart really does go out to you - and all I can say is, no matter how hard it is, you have to do what is right for YOU here. Your kids might miss your mum for a while, but you are the one who has been harmed by her, and it is totally up to YOU if you carry on seeing her. Good luck & be strong, you sound like a very brave lady.

Mummydragon is right - it's YOUR decision about YOUR kids.

I have chosen to remain out of contact with my mum, despite the fact that my kids (age 9, 7, 5) miss out on that whole Granny thing with her. Cos I know the whole Granny thing will be disfunctional and of no benefit to my kids, who have otherwise fabby relationships with their emotionally functional Grandparents!

My mother is difficult, toxic, unpredicatble and essentially uncommunicative. I don't want my children exposed to her, or her equally toxic husband

(and if you are reading, mother, as I know you sometimes do - go talk to yourself about how unreasonable I am... I'm only protecting my children!)

Break off contact if you feel you need to, but don't then complains when you have no childcare.
Difficult situation and no more to offer I'm afraid.

Bradford mum thats quite abrupt!

when my son was born - after a fairly distant decade, our family situation became re-opened, particularly as i was v. alone as a single parent. she would babysit for a couple of hours once a fortnight, but she would pick horrible arguments and behave appallingly, it was incredibly traumatic at times. it brought up probably a lot of childhood issues that had been on the backburner for 40 years.

in the end, her couldn't-care-less behaviour meant i decided not to speak to her for a year. i had already gone into therapy because i was so distressed by her behaviour.

so, my take on it is, to follow your gut instinct in keeping your distance, as others have suggested. if she is being poisonous as mine was, you may have to take further steps.

i do recommend therapy. i had a lot anger and distress to deal with. also i recommend Alice Miller's work, particularly The Drama of the Gifted Child to help you. it is a fabulous book, quite unlike any other.

i think it does get a bit easier as your children get older, and you are lucky you have a partner and in-laws who are at least supportive.

mary
x

Thanks everyone, all points of view are welcome. I'm still dithering, so I'm probably not ready to break contact. I just have to find a way to cope with her behaviour, and make sure it's really not me antagonising her, I can be a bit off sometimes I guess.

Oh, and as for the 'don't then complains when you have no childcare' - the only reason I ask her to look after the kids is that otherwise she'd never see them, it's certainly not for our convenience!

My mum turned up unnannounced yesterday and it was OK. No insults, lots of stories about how everything was worse for her. But she actually gave me a hug..... which left me shocked. Maybe my mood ws different but its only one 20 min slot but as far as my therapy is concerned its a great step up.

That sounds good! I always end up stressed and panicky on planned visits, I think an unplanned one would finish me off (plus I'd die from the shock ) Every forward step is good, no matter how small!