That this is not just ' teasing and mild bullying'

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

DS (11) is verbally picked on at school...about his appearance..me not having the right phone, you name it.

Out of school he has been subjected to a number of what I would consider to be more then play tousling.

Tuiuesday night, he was hit, very hard with his own scooter..pushed to the ground, piled on by 3 lads then had his face rubbed in the soil, one lad jumped on his back and simulated sex saying repeatedly that 'i'm gonna rape you'.

Then pulled his trousers down when he tried to get away.

At school, one of the lads makes little comments, winds DS up and he is also ''teased'' a lot by other kids.
Calling him a paedo, me a prostitute, making incestuous comments about me and DS because we are close, telling him he is crap at stuff and calling him names.

I am deeply concerned and am taking issue with the school. The physical stuff isn't taking place at school but it is being pepetuated by the comments.

Thank you all...

All the responses have been so supportive and I knew in my heart that I am not over reacting to this.

I am not going to be fobbed off and it is hard to be assertive if you are naturally fairly non confrontational.

I have written a letter for all authorites concerned as I cam keep my thoughts clear and not lose confidence. But I know DS also needs to SEE people defending him.

Mixed reactions from parents, a couple were of the opinion that it was just 'horseplay out of control' and 'you know what boys are like'.

And I do, between H and I we have 3 and none of them have ever, or ever will behave like this, and IF they did I would be extremely angry.

I also rang a couple of schools anonymously to get their bullying policies and how they would view it and they were also very supportive.

Thanks for the kidscape number, it was on my to do list...

I have got the emotional aspect into perspective so I can be more focussed on dealing with it.

But thanks, the posts are brilliant and the support and motivation I need to keep being strong about it...

You all deserve cake!

I have three boys, MW, and if any of them had behaved like this, I wouldn't be making excuses for them!! They'd be incurring a serious punishment from me, plus I'd be making them apologise in public and in person to the child that they'd attacked!

I would also be apologising to you and to your ds myself, and would be beyond mortified and ashamed at what my child had done - and I'd be taking responsibility for ensuring that it NEVER happened again.

The problem is that it is the nice parents whose children don't bully. Parents of bullies are often bullies themselves, the school staff are scared of them and find it much easier to deal with any situations by brushing off any concerns which the nice, non-confrontational parent has.
Not fair

Really shocked at the school's reaction. And the parents....have they had a different version of events from their children which they find easier to believe?

I have been approached on 2 occasions by parents about incidents involving my children - one was an episode of unkindness towards a friend, another was about inapppropriate behaviour - and on both occcasions I took it very seriously, confronted my DC, made them admit the truth, left them in no doubt as to the wrong-ness of their behaviour and made them apologise to the children in question. Neither of my DC has made the same mistake twice. They know what would happen if they did.

Where did this 'what my child has done is ok because they're my child, I must support them even if they've done wrong' attitude come from?

Sorry have gone off topic a bit here, b ut this attitude really riles me. When I was a child these things were always sorted out between parents, now the whole state apparatus has to get involved, it's a shame.

So sorry for your DS OP, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help him, well done to you and good luck.

As a former Head of Year at Secondary level, I would say that your school's response is appalling. What you have described is horrific. Whether it's in a classroom, outside the school or on the way home, the school still has a responsibility to ensure the safety and well-being of your child. If that had happened at my school, they would be out for at least a week, just for the physical attack (let alone the psychological torment and other bullying that's been going on). I'd also have the police and parents in to discuss their behaviour with the pupils before they came anywhere near the school again.

I would ABSOLUTELY inform the police (and threaten the local press). Most schools HATE admitting there is a problem with bullying, the threat of the local paper might stick a rocket up the Head's arse and get him / her to do something proactive.

Your poor DS. I also agree that the parents of the child who threatened need to be informed (through the school). He sounds as tho' he might need some kind of support from the Ed Psych....

I hope you and your DS get some resolutions soon. He's lucky to have a mum like you...

Sorry, that should read 'I also agree that the parents of the child who threatened rape need to be informed

Very pregnant brain at work.... or not, as the case may be....

I'm trying really hard not to cry right now. This is AWFUL! How dare they treat your DS that way.

I agree with other posters, it's ridiculous how parents defend their children if they're in the wrong. You're not doing them any favors by letting them think they can do no wrong.

I hope everything goes well and that you are taken seriously. You should be!

MW please don't let this go.
DS (12) has been bullied - physically and verbally - since he started a new school in September.
I wish I had acted harder and faster. The effect on DS is disastrous. We not have an awful lot of work to do.

Make sure everything is documented.
Get DS to keep a bullying diary.
Make sure he knows you are on his side.

mild bullying

your son has been physically assaulted and sexually threatened - it's not on!

I would write to the governors, if I had no joy with the Head. The school MUST address this properly and not brush it off.

Your poor boy

Your post has really upset me. Your poor son, what the hell has he done to deserve that?

Kids can be such nasty little fuckers - but they can't get away with this. 'Horseplay' my arse.

Make sure you stay on the backs of the school and authorities.

I hope it gets better for you.

bulying uk really helpful link for you.. they have template letters for you to use.. and give good advise on how you can tackle it.

Awful for your son and for you as well.

keep a log of what who and when.
write to the clerk of governors putting in a formal compliant that this has not been taken seriously.
If your still not happy, you can then write to the LEA, childrens directorate, ofsted and your MP.. seeing where you go from each one..

In our case the bullying had a massive effect on our ds emotionally. You can go to your GP to be referred to can help with this too.
lots of love at home, praise and as normal routine as possable with the rules of the house. Allow and acknowlege that he will be angry and frustrated and upset.. it's all normal to feel this way. His confidence will be shattered..but it can be built up again.

I'm still on the war path in our case.. we are slowly getting somewhere. come down hard and persistant with the school.

He is playing with different children tonight and is a different boy.

He definately gets angry and has other issues to contend with as well. He is an easy child to wind up and get a reaction out of so I think sometimes it is a bit of sport when nothing else is kicking off. I am under no illusiuons that he is any kind of angel but mostly he just wants to be liked and accepted as part of a gang.

One of the mothers has completely surprised me and fully backed me up and apologised, dealt with her son and assured me to speak to her if it, or anything like it occurs again. I had expected a particularly hard time.

I definately think that it has made a difference him seeing things being done and that his summer isn't going to be spoilt again.

The trouble is, real cases of severe bullying (which this undoubtedly is) get lost amongst other claims of 'bullying' which turn out to be 'friendship issues'. It means that most schools are working to try and solve these issues and not actually having any time to deal with the type of horrendous behaviour your DS is suffering from.

That was certainly the case when I was a HofY. Parents would ring up and say 'my child is being bullied'. I would take it seriously, investigate the problem, get kids in and parents in and invest a lot of time, only for it to turn out to be one minor incident in an, otherwise happy friendship, that is forgotten about the next day. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to help resolve the issue, but the time it took meant that other problems may not have been solved at the time.

Unfortunately the term 'bullying' is used too often for 'one off' incidents. In my eyes, having dealt with it from the other side, as it were, bullying is persistent and regular harassment, it's devastating and life-changing for the victim and their family and is often for no reason at all. . Your DS's appalling treatment at the hand of those monsters, certainly falls into this category.

It doesn't sound as tho' your school are doing anything to work towards solving this. And that is a huge failure on their part.

That is beyond mild bullying. Your poor son. Have you thought about contacting the police? Presumably your son knows who these boys are and the police could at least go around and have a word.

There is no such bloody thing as mild bullying. You are either bullied or not FFS.

Have you contacted Kidscape for support?

You MAKE that school take this seriously. How dare they not.

I know one beautiful, wonderful child who would still be here if his fuckwit school had taken things seriously.

THAt is not teasing and mild bullying. The school should be dealing with any teasing and bullying no matter is it is mild or not.

I would not send him to school until they can ensure his safety and well being. As others have said, report the assault to the police and the school. I’ve found the school/parent governors aren’t much use. If you still can’t put a stop to it, then try writing a letter to the Local Governing Body (I found the local name via an internet search). The school have to give you that address by Law. I hope it gets sorted out for the best, also, please remind your son that all of those kids terrible behaviour is not a reflection on the person he is. Please let mumsnet/me know how he gets on (feel free to PM). Sending love and hugs x

@WotsitsMadeIn1927 this thread is from 2009 so I can’t imagine OP will be updating you

Oh wow. I didn’t see that part!! Didn’t realise they would still keep a thread active for so long!!! I still hope it turned out alright for that young lad anyway. Thanks for letting me know :)

Why have you resurrected a thread from 2009!!?? I think your advice might be a bit late now.

Sorry - cross post!

The lad will be almost 25 by now!

Your school is despicable. This is termed "peer on peer abuse" now and it's very serious indeed. Something similar (but way less serious) happened to DS before Christmas and the children responsible have been dealt with to the full extent of the behaviour policy and are being supported to change their attitudes and behaviours going forward. Police were involved as you say. There is no MILD bullying. I can't get over that. So sorry OP. Please fight and complain to school and follow official procedures up to Chair of Governors. This is collusion with the bullies pretty much.

Oh just seen its a zombie

That's horrific, get him transferred to a new school asap and get the police involved.