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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another PIL question?

22 replies

PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 13:28

I know, i know. Here we go again.

PIL live 26 miles away. So about 45 minutes drive away.
They never visit us. Last time they visited was because they had to drive somewhere in the morning and staying with us meant that they would lose 26 miles of their journey.
Time before that was for ds 1st birthday in December.
DS doesn't know them. We try to make the trip every 2nd Thursday. Thursday and Friday are DPs days off work, and the only days we spend together as a family.
When we get there, they very much still get on with things as usual. Plates on laps at tea time in front of Hollyoaks x2, eastenders, then whatever comes after that. While dp and try and entertain ds so he isn't in the road or annoying.
We don't have a car, so to get there we need to take a bus into town, a train into the city, and then another bus to their house. With baby, buggy, pj's x3, clothes for tomorrow x3, nappies for 24 hours, wipes and a dog.
Ds just stands between dp or my legs when we get there because he is unsure and no one makes an effort for him.
On Friday morning. DP went into the kitchen to find ds shaking a box filled with broken glass. Mil was 'supervising' though. She said he was only playing... What is wrong with giving him a toy?
ANYWAY i've ranted beyond my point as usual.
DP asked his parents to visit us, they have a car and much more free time to visit.
They suggested that they take ds Thursday night onto Friday, without us visiting. Being honest, i don't feel comfy with that. I don't feel that they have been bothered enough with him so far for us just to grant this, also it is dp and my only days off together with ds as a family.
Theres also the glass thing, fil gets drunk at night, they gave ds a piece of brick( like red brick for making walls) to chew because he is teething. DP found grass (the kind you smoke) in the glove compartment in the car. I could go on.
I am 21 weeks pg and really don't want this rubbish to carry on to the next baby.
So we said if they start visiting us and getting ds used to them, they can start having him over night, but not on Thursdays.
Now again, they are not talking to us, and i can not be bothered with the whole thing.
Soo aibu? What should i do? What would you do?

OP posts:
crokky · 05/05/2009 13:34

I would not visit them. Send DP on his own for a visit and you stay at home with DS. Or invite them to yours.

No way would I consider leaving a small child with them overnight, or even for a short time. If someone let my baby play with broken glass, I would go absolutely beserk. Drunk in charge of a small child - don't think so, no way!

(Try not to be rude about it though!)

gardeningmum05 · 05/05/2009 13:34

ignore them, you dont need the hassle.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 13:39

He didn't touch the glass, it was in a box with a lid on, but could have been bad.
DP keeps wondering and asking how we can make it up to them. What should WE do. I snapped at him asking why they can't make a bloody effort. He's away to work in a huff.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 05/05/2009 13:39

Leave it with them. You've made your point ... they need to visit you before anything else so see what happens. The ball is in their court to come back to you. I really don't think YABU and don't need to compromise.

If it was me, before he spends night at their house, I would want them looking after him in my own house so he wasn't completley out of his normal environment.

The lack of interest is one thing ... were they like this with your DH? My in laws (MIL particularly) very much likes (and expects) cuddles but has never been one to actively engage with them. From what DH says, she was like this with him too. However, crucially, she is very loving ... doesn't get drunk (FIL is another matter), doesn't smoke grass and would never dream of giving them bits of crumbly brick to chew on. That is surely bad judgement and would give me cause for concern.

mamof3 · 05/05/2009 13:41

a house brick 2 chew as ds is teething
r these people real ???
i would take a back seat and let them do the running--
a) because they have a car
b)they dont treat u as their family
c) u r pregnant and cant be doing with all the hassle of travelling to their house with ur overnight things.
why spend the precious time that u have as a "family" traipsing across town to get that kind of treatment.
also i would not let my child be staying in their house untill u r completely satisfied that he would get looked after properly.

maqrollelgaviero · 05/05/2009 13:44

Tell dh and pils that you are now too pregnant and uncomfortable to trek about like that and that from now on you'd love to see them at yours on a thurs pm.

If they can't be arsed to come to you instead they aren't interested enough in your son to be trusted to care for him overnight. IMHO!

Either that or let dh trek over to them on his tod.

badhairmonth · 05/05/2009 13:49

I think you've done well to perservere this long, good on you. They obviously have a hold on DP though, or is he just a really nice guy - or both!

Personally I wouldn't bother with them, they sound like a PITA.

Friends are the family we chose for ourselves.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 13:50

Wishing, that's what we said to make them go in a huff. That they need to get him used to them first before just expecting him to stay.
MIL doesn't get drunk though, just fil, he just kind of sits in the corner with whisky lol.
I think ds found the brick himself, they just thought, it's keeping him quiet so we'll leave it. But he already had his two bottom teeth in. ahh the thought of it makes me shudder.

Not sure what they were like with dp, but he and his sister are still with us lol so couldn't have been too bad. But i don't feel like they can be bothered with dp (or myself).

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 05/05/2009 13:53

leave it to them to make the move, i would.
sounds to me like your life would be alot easier and less hassle if they had the huff with you anyway

canttouchthis · 05/05/2009 13:54

ignore would be your best bet. you can do without people like that in your life.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 13:54

badhair - i don't know, I often feel like they treat dp like a child and he still acts like they are in control. Like they give him a row for crazy things and he just nods.. like telling off a child.

OP posts:
EldonAve · 05/05/2009 14:03

why do you bother going to see them every fortnight?

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 14:08

Well, i would like ds to know them and know they are his grandparents. And they don't make an effort to ensure that it happens so dp feels that we should.

OP posts:
EldonAve · 05/05/2009 21:43

You say that your DS doesn't know them despite your visits as they make no effort

Stop wasting your time
Visit them less
I'm sure you will feel better as a result

piscesmoon · 05/05/2009 21:47

I would stop visiting. Tell them they are welcome to visit you-just to phone when they want to arrange it, and leave it at that.

specialmagiclady · 05/05/2009 21:48

My DC only see their grandparents once a month at most - they only see my dad about twice a year. They all adore each other, so don't worry about the "not knowing" thing.

You can always talk about them, look at pictures etc. Talk up the visits in an excited way.

Let the PIL do more running. Soon you'll be schlepping across town with 2 kids in tow, pjs x 4 etc etc. Much easier for them to come to you, especially if they're not elderly!

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 22:23

Dp called them again tonight, his mum just said, "we'll see what happens".
I told him that we will just have to do that and he agreed.
So.. we'll see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 22:25

I don't think they are elderly. They are both 55 and active. Both have part time jobs and no health problems that we know of.

OP posts:
specialmagiclady · 05/05/2009 22:59

55 - they're young!

BettySwollux · 05/05/2009 23:04

They're taking the piss prammymammy.
Stop letting them.

thumbwitch · 05/05/2009 23:05

tbh, with grandparents like that, your DS is probably better off without.

It's no kind of way to treat a small boy, ignoring him and giving him bricks and broken glass in a box to play with. Let them do the work and if they don't, they will be the ones to miss out. I don't think your DS will be (or the new baby either). Relatives are only good to have and to know if they are worth having and knowing - this precious pair don't seem to fit into that category.

Gracie123 · 12/05/2009 19:32

I really sympathise. My MiL can be a bit inappropriate with the toys and demanding on our time (visits on her terms, lets us down when she is supposed to be visiting and then moans that she never sees DS) but DH really loves her, and I love him, so I make the effort.
In my experience this makes DH appreciate me more. I do have to sit through some crap, but it only gets worse if I don't make an effort to keep peace/keep in touch.
I still don't allow her to babysit though. I agree entirely that it is not worth the risk of DC's to leave them with someone who doesn't understand the dangers of leaving a baby to play with broken glass I would be as friendly as possible when you see them, but make it clear to DP that you are not willing to let them babysit.

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