to feel this upset over cm decision? And for be peed off at dh's attitude about how I feel about it all?

[tiredandwornoutmum]

Ds is 3.7, he is at nursery (FS1), I work 2 days a week teaching and he goes to the cm during this time.

He has been going to the cm for 2 and a half years and she has become a family friend. Quite a close friend as well.

Ds has some problems with his behaviour/social skills. He likes to be in complete control over everything, will be quite aggressive to other children, doesn't play well and is quite repetative. He is on school action and is currently being assessed by the ed pysch.

Our cm, who has been quite involved with ds' assessments and meetings at the school, has always said she will 'stand by ds' who, despite everything can be kind and loving when he wants to be.

However, on wednesday, out of the blue, she tells us she doesn't want ds anymore, said he upsets her son, upsets her friends and upsets her family. She will have him him until the end of the academic year (July) but thats it. I respect her decision and I'm not complaining about that. But she made ds out to be a horrendous child, who hits her when she tells him off and embarreses her when they are at school (he doesn't do this to us) and she sounded as though she hated him. I was so shocked as in his book for the last few weeks she has written such lovely things about him. When I said this, she said she had been 'coating the books with 'fairy dust'

I am absolutly devastated, actually quite distrought. I have been crying on and off since it happened and beginning to panic about what will happen in September when I go back to school. I have contacted all the other cm who drop off to ds' school and none of them will have him (all of them are close to my cm).

I don't want to move schools, as ds is mid assessment and we have taken time too build his relationships up with the staff and children at his current school. I can't give up work as our outgoings are more than dh's wages. We have no family or friends in a poistion to help out.

I'm in bits, feel that we have the worst child in the world, I feel that I am trapped in the house as it is impossible to go out to the shops with ds or visit friends due to his behaviour, he nearly always hurts someone and we end up coming home early, so it's not worth going out. At home ds is usually good as long as it's just me, will play up if both dh and I are at home.

Anyway dh is really annoyed at me for still being upset as 'it happened 4 days ago' he thinks I should have gotten over it. But it's ok for him, he is never here with ds, doesn't have to face the cm, or other parents at school, or deal with ds each and every day. And he isn't bothered over what will happen in september as he will just go to work, and it'll be up to me to deal with.

I am so fed up. I just don't know what to do.

That is quite a shocking attitude, that your child embarrasses her! Personally i wouldn't call her a friend or allow my child to stay with her till July.
If she has managed to hide her feels so successful i would be worried about how she reacts/treats your sons behavior when your not around. Your son needs love and understanding not negativity and embarrassment.

Forgot to add there are plenty of good nannies and CM out there who are competent and loving enough to provide excellent care and help with his behavior issues so don't give up.

Im really sorry for you - you have enough to cope with
She isn't being very professional - especially as she didn't tell the truth in his home book
Although if she doesnt like your son he is better off away from her

Ask in the school if there any sympathetic cm or in a neighbouring school
Make sure you keep the job up - it gives you time away from the intense one to one situation
What about a day nursery when not at the school one - I know the change will be very hard for him but the staff there will be used to children with all different needs
Try the special needs board - you will get lots of support
Good luck

'he nearly always hurts someone and we end up coming home early' - op - you feel trapped by this, that's just how your childminder feels and she doesn't have to enter into this situation. She has quite reasonably decided not to any longer and given you a more than fair period of notice.

So much for her decision.

Your dh on the otherhand is out of order. Your son is the responsibility of both of you and your work benefits both of you so he can just suck this up and help you sort this out. He may find it difficult to face your son's problems - any parent would but that doesn't give him a free pass to leaving it all up to you.

So what can you do?

Your husband can apply for flexible working to help out on your working days - what sort of job does he do?

You can find somebody to work one to one with him - student?

You can cut your outgoings so that you can stop work.

You can think about working in a different place/area so that you can cover the out of nursery times.

None of these are easy things to do and you really do have my sympathy in this situation - good luck!

Have asked the school, but they just have the same cm's that I've already approached, and in september ds will be full time in reception, so it's the pick up and drop of I need. So don't know if nurseries do that? Will go and check.

Dh is ignoring me atm, as i've been miserable all day

I had a homestart lady who left us because she didn't enoy time with my dd (she was introverted and didn't warm to the volunteer who in turn was far too full on and didn't know how to engage dd). It absolutely floored me no-one wants to hear that their dc is disliked.

Your dh is being out of order, you are hurting and need his love & support.

Not sure what you can do about your childcare situation, can you look at working around school hours between you?

Could you ask your health visitor for any ideas

poor you I know how much childcare worries affect you and don't envy you, BUT you have a long time until sept. Does you school have a beofre and after school club? My dd's school doesn't have one on site but there's somewhere local that provides the service to about 4 schools locally and they have people that drop the kids to their school and collect them. Also, don't forget that by Sept there may be new CM's

Try not to worry, it will all sort itself out I know that's a very easy thing to say, but this time last year I was dumped in the s*&@ childcare wise and muddled along until Jan when a more stable and better arrangement coudl start.

Good luck

re:childcare - would speak to nearest surestart/children's centre, or if you don't have one, go on the childcarelink government website to get local listings.

Sorry cm has behaved so hurtfully - it's one thing deciding that the arrangement isn't working out, but another for her to swing from "fairy dust" to such negativity about your child, sounds like she's not behaved at all professionally.

In terms of DH - this is a sweeping generalisation but I think may of us on the SN board have found that our husbands tend to be a bit in denial about any problems - partly because they tend not to be used to having day to day contact with lots of kids the same age.

is his language/understanding of language OK? as that can be a possible source of frustration/social problems.

I don't blame you for feeling extremely let down, shocked and hurt about this.

The CM has acted totally unprofessionally, by the way. How sad for you and your boy. If she felt she could no longer cope with your son or that he had needs that she was unable to meet, she could and should have brought this to your attention in a far more sensitive and constructive manner.

The 'coating in fairy dust' thing is shitty, too. I call that lying, actually.

I feel really upset on your behalf, actually.

I think you need some help sorting out the childcare situation. Is there a sympathetic teacher at the nursery, or is your HV / GP sympathetic? What about the ed psych? or your nearest children's centre? You may need a CM who has more experience of children with potentially more complex needs.

First things first, though. Your DH needs to stop acting like a twit. Sit him down again and explain exactly what you've said here. You are anxious and concerned about your son, his care and how you are going to juggle work and childcare. You need some support. It is not an unreasonable request.

Thank you everyone.

The school has a breakfast club, but reception children are not allowed to go to it until after christmas to allow them to settle in. But there is no after school clubs for reception as the school says it's too long a day for them. Which I agree with. My school has the same set up.

I don't blame my cm..it's just that it was such a shock..and I feel so hurt. Cargirl, thats exactly how I feel. But it's like it's no big deal to dh. To me it feel huge.

'feels'

Sorry, am being totally daft here probably, but is there any reason he can't go to the school that you work at?

Tell your dh that you feel looking after ds is a full time job now cm has given up so you will be giving up work - that might just get his attention long enough to start talking about alternatives!

Is there anyhting else you could do - how about becoming a cm yourself?

Or could he go to 'your'school so no timing problems?

Hope your dh sorts himeself out and gives you support soon

That sounds really horrible. Am not surprised you are upset. Childminder is a cow and dh is pathetic.

On a constructive note, could you employ a mother's help to do drop-off and pick-up? Or a mother's help in the morning and after-school nanny? Or get dh to change his hours so he can do drop off?

God I'm upset on your behalf!!!
How bloody unprofessional!
Ok, so she feels she can't look after your son and has given you notice, that's completely fair enough
But to call your son an embarrassment, to lie in his home book, to shaft you with all the other CM's in the area is just extraordinary!
I wouldn't be leaving your son there till July. I'm sorry, but she obviously can't cope and that can't be good for your son.
There definitely no other reason for this no? you've not paid late, or upset her in anyway?
If the answer to that is no I would be reporting her to Ofsted on Tuesday.

fairy dust?!?!

she's a wanker. I would be in bits if I were you and you are NOT overreacting.

and your dh is being very unkind and selfish!

I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid - I have childcare issues too and it's very stressful. Your dh is choosing to bury his head in the sand because he has the luxury of not having to deal with it. I do hope you find a better solution for you and ds.

Like others have said cm should have been honest in his book. I am a cm and i have been looking after a boy who sounds very similar to yours for the past 3 years, he is at school now so only have him before and after school and it would not work if parents and me were not totally honest with each other and if we were not in total agreement about how we deal with his behaviour. At times he can be very challenging and he can wear me out but then other days he gives me a cuddle and tells me he loves me and my heart melts.

In my area we have what are called 'inclusive childminders' (I am one) who are trained and approved to look after children with different needs, there may be a similar scheme in your area, its worth looking at.

And your dh needs his eyes opening, show him what you have written on here, he might begin to see how you feel.

Good luck

Why on earth did she not talk to you before she decided she couldnt deal with your DS anymore?

Fairy dust my arse.

I am sorry that is not very constructive but I do feel for you. Your DS may be very difficult to manage, he may have done all the things she said but she should have DISCUSSED these things with you.

I agree with with sleepyeyes that to say your DS embarressed her is a shocking thing to say. She is supposed to be a professional. I work with children with severe and complex needs/behaviours, why on earth would I be embarressed by them?

She has the right to admit that she cannot cope with your son (that must feel awful for you). But IMO the way she has let it get to this point is wrong.
It would have been better for all of you if she had dealt with this in a more grown up way. I suspect she feels pretty crap about it too. I doubt she has just brushed it off.

I dont blame you for feeling upset and tearful. I would too. My DS is my darling boy but he is hard work and I worry how I will cope as he gets older.
You havent got the worst child in the world but you do need to get help with your DS. If he was in my borough he would be referred to the Child Development Team and they would decide the best course of action. AS he is already in the system I would suggest pushing the issue with the nursery.

Good luck

The reason ds is going to the school he goes to is that it was my cm's school she drops off and picks up at. And last year, when we were looking for a pre-school/nursery place for ds, we didn't want to lose our cm and felt that it would be too big a change for ds to start nursery AND change cm.

My schools reception classes are both full (only allowed 30 in KS1) so, no he can't come to mine. There are no part time teaching jobs in my area so can't change schools myself. There are full time positions but that creates even more of a childcare issue.

Ds is also the youngest in the class as his birthday is the very end of August.

And I must apologise for the awful typos and spelling in my posts!

It's very strange though to suddenly become so hostile.

Please don't take this the wrong way but do you think he may have done something that really upset her? Done something to her child perhaps? Or maybe he regularly hurts her child and she just suddenly thought she couldn't support him any longer?

I think rather than seeing the fairy dust comment as blatant lying,maybe see it as her trying to see the best in him but then perhaps something happened to change all that and her anger/upset is getting the better of her. She is probably also very upset.

I know none of this can be easy to hear and your worry about work coupled with your worry over his development must be taking its toll. You are doing you best but I'd talk to the HV as perhaps there are local CMs with the temprement and experience to care for children with more complex needs. Good luck.

I think you have every right to be cross at the CM's lack of honesty with you; she has dealt with it badly. If she has also 'spread the word' that is shameful behaviour.

Are you confident that the school you have got your ds down for is the right one? Have you had a chance to meet the SENCo & reception teacher?

Having had to find another CM in a matter of days for ds, have you looked at this site? and also this one?. I found a fabulous temporary CM through an obscure link, she was just coming back off maternity leave. Or don't just look for a CM but consider a mother's help, nanny share etc. Speak too to the nursery who know your son and see if they know of someone.

I really feel for you as when my son was younger he was very difficult to handle too. From about 18 months to about 3 he was aggressive and difficult with other children but it changed when he got older and now at 5 is very well behaved.

Other people really upset me though as one or two friends made it clear they didn't like my son.

It is probably a phase that he will grow out of and I can totally understand why you are so upset especially with your childminder and husband.

I think in your situation I would explain the situation to your work, apply for a place for him at the school you teach at - for him to be on the waiting list. To be honest I wouldn't want him with this childminder a moment longer and would be tempted to ask for a period of unpaid leave from work from now and if he didn't get a place at your school by September to resign then.

It's not that I don't understand the financial implications. I am a single parent and work part time and have always struggled with money! But when my son started school, I felt he wasn't ready - he was born in August as well, so I took 3 months unpaid leave off work so I could initially be there for pick ups etc.

I'm a childminder and really sorry that your friend/childminder has said this about your son. It is extremely unprofessional, and I can understand how horrid you must be feeling.
Can I suggest you nip of to the childminder/nannie/nursery forum and put feelers out for someone in your area who can step in ASAP and help with the pick up/drop offs in Sept.
I would certainly give her 4 weeks notice and not leave him there minute longer than you have to.

Take care,
Sally x

tired, I am a TA and have quite a few teacher friends with young children who have given up their teaching jobs and started doing supply work.

That way its a lot more flexable and you can work to fit around your hours. Lots of schools want supply teachers for just a morning or afternoon to cover PPA time so maybe you could just put yourself down for just mornings when you can put your DS in breakfast club.

Also supplys earn more per hour that a teachers salary works out at so you might find you need to work less hours.

For your own sanity can you speak to you health visitor or SS about getting more help and support with your DS's behaviour?