To not have my sister as my bridesmaid?

[sb9]

As topic says.. More details please ask...

How old are her daughters? If they are still children it's fine to say you want children-only bridesmaids. Are you planning on having any other adult bridesmaids?

It's your wedding; you can have who you like. I see no reason for you to have your sister if you don't want to, but the fact that you're asking here maybe means you're already feeling a bit guilty or worried about not asking her.

Is there a possibility it would help to mend things between the two of you if you asked her to be bridesmaid/maid of honour? If it could be the start of a better relationship for the two of you then maybe it would be worth it, but you shouldn't feel you have to do it if you'd really rather not.

I think I probably elope - especially if my dad had said that to me!

Well if it helps, I probably could have done with counselling after my sis DID choose me as her bridesmaid. That was a seriously dodgy dress she made me wear.

I'm going to take a slightly different tack here. I mean, obviously you'd rather she wasn't... but is it really worth the family fallout if you don't? You can always have your friend as bridesmaids as well.

Clearly you'd rather not and I totally understand why. But weddings are always at least slightly about compromise and (to quote The Princess Bride) anyone who says otherwise is selling something (!)

As a sister who is not a bridesmaid, I have two yound DC and am looking forward to a day with my family enjoying my sisters special day rather than panicing about the DC causing chaos !

What about giving the sister another less personal job to do for the wedding to mitigate any family fallout, reading a lesson/poem or being a lady usher ! has she got a particular that you could use and then use this to explain why she isn't a bridesmaid.

With all that fuss and nonsense I'd be inclined to just go for minimal registry office wedding where you have no bridesmaids and choose your own vows and people you care about and who care for you there and just go for a nice meal afterwards. The big white puffy wedding doesn't sound worth the hassle and expense.

Hello again and thanks for replies.

Yep we have been through the mill with sagas in our family and it does drag me down. Not easy to walk away and i understand how important family is.

Ok then, to add to this the major problem is that my cousin is being my maid of honour. Yep i left that one out, does that change your view?

I am close to my cousin, we go out together and share things so it feels right.

I think i would have been ok with my sister and maybe considered her if she had just said she was hurt and upset by it and would i re consider having her aswell. But i just got lots of hysteria and ultimatiums such as dumping my cousin and choosing her so it has just reved me up completely. She said that i cant have a close relationship with my neices anymore either as they dont want to come to my house anymore as i have upset their mum..

Nightmare

Oh god, I had all this when I just wanted my sisters and not stepsisters at the ceremony (where there were to be 20 people max including registrar). Eloped in the end.

Nothing wrong with having your cousin as Maid of Honour as it is a big responsibility if she does it right.

Would it be that bad if your sister didn't come? You invite her, she declines, you invite her children to be bridesmaids, she declines. Go ahead without them. I definitely wouldn't have my sister as bridesmaid if she'd made that much fuss. She is being completely selfish. Either get on with the wedding you'd planned without her, and any other friends and relatives who won't come if sister doesn't get her own way or go for a low key wedding without the awkward relatives.

When I got married, I had my sister and an adult friend as well as the daughter of a very close friend as bridesmaids. If my sister or friend had had children at that time, I would have asked the children, not the adults. It seems perfectly reasonable to me that you should ask your nieces rather than your sister. I have always been of the opinion that bridesmaids should not be parents already, but, as I say, that is my opinion.

If your sister is so intent on forcing you to accept her in that role, it seems to me that she is more concerned about herself rather than you having a wedding that is the wedding you want for yourself. In that case, let her have her strop. As for your Dad, well, he is also being an a*^ehole. If he is so worried about your sister, let him stay home to look after her instead of coming to the wedding.

Your sister doesn't actually like you very much does she? I'm guessing you don't like her either tbh. That's ok - we aren't obligated to like relatives, and neither are you obligated to have people involved in your weddinng who you don't like!

She is obviously going to do everything she can to disrupt your relationship with your nieces and parents. I think the only thing you can do is let them all know that you are sorry she is upset (because upsetting people is alwasy bad, regardless of how irrational they are) and that you hope they will attend your wedding. Your wedding is about your relationship, about you and your husband making a lifelong commitmment and whilst I very much believe that the wedding should be in the bosom of the family with as many as practical invited etc (children included) the wedding isn't actually for the family. Nobody should expect anything from it other than a chance to support you and launch you on your lives togather. Your sister isn't back in counselling because of your decision. She's in counselling because for whatever reason she cannot cope with not getting her own way.

How about, as a compromise, allowing her to be bridesmaid if it matters so much to her, and her DDs being flowergirls/bridesmaids (depending on age) BUT you can't possibly afford to pay for all their dresses, so if she wants to do it she will have to stump up for her own dress?
If she refuses then, it wrongfoots her, not you.

Still have your cousin as maid of honour, of course - when I was going to have my sis as bridesmaid, she wouldn't have been my chief bridesmaid, my best friend would have, no problem there.

In the end, a lot is going to depend on how much you want all your family there and how badly it would spoil things if they weren't. They sound like a bunch of manipulative wotsits, tbh, but they are your family and only you know how important they are to you and your happiness on your wedding day.

I didn't ask my sister. I can't stand her. I had my two best friends, who are more like sisters to me anyway.

Yep thats how i feel a lot of the time - manipulated and so for some reason i cant bring myself to be this time. Its just a pain i am standing up for myself now when its supposed to be the happiest time. Maybe if i had before it would be sorted but i always seem to back down as i get so upset.

I can see the other side, the hurt she may feel over this decision but i have not made it lightly and feel i suppose its my way of saying there are consquences to your actions and you cant treat people lile cr*p and still be rewarded. Just feels horrible though as they will never see it like that..

if it's any kind of weird consolation, my wedding was catalyst for the UNhappiest period in my life. Some people have nice normal families who can do that sort of thing without WW3 breaking out. Others (like you and me, it sounds like!) just don't. I really really wish we had either eloped or not bothered, because it had an effect on our relationship as well. Daft! So my honest advice would be (from my experience) - you have a crazy family, you can't expect not to have a crazy wedding if you involve them. So don't.

My sister is getting married next year. She was my bridesmaid.

I will not be my sister's bridesmaid. My DD will be. I would never have wanted to be, nor exected to be a bridesmaid. I am older, married, have a child. It is my DD's turn to get dressed up and have fun as a bridesmaid.

Why is your sister adament she should be bridesmaid. I don't get it. And I just feel sorry for her DDs who lose out on their chance because of her being like it.

I had my sister as one of two bridesmaids, even though I can't stand her really (a mutual feeling). I bought both bridesmaids presents and generally spoiled them rotten, as much as I was spoiling myself on my wedding day.

My sister had a face like she was chewing a wasp, all freakin' day. She didn't even speak to me throughout the day. Wish I hadn't bothered, the cow bag! There were friends I really wished I'd chosen instead, but chose her. I did it out of obligation.

Choose who you want to choose. Don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to. It's a shame your dad can't be more adult about the whole thing.

I know re all above. I dont understand them. I mean my dad said what day is it? I said why and he said well i might decide to be ill that day...

They can both be so odd at times and then in a moment be ok.

I dont want to elope as I have my mum,inlaws and other family and friends so am not ruining it becuase of them but its so hard to not feel really down about it all.

It should be the happiest but yes becoming very unhappy.

I dont know why she is so hysterical about it but keeps saying I am publically rejecting her like i did when i was a kid as i wouldnt walk to school with her but i cant understand why she would hold that against me!! She clearly has a lot of issues with me.

Before this when we fell out my dad had said she didnt like me and that if she told me what she really thought then i wouldnt speak to her again. She denies saying this as i said to her that why would i have someone who doesnt like me?

Also, she never came to my 30th party, my mums suprise 50th that i organised and now wants to be a part of this, im like you cant pick and choose!

SORRY Rant over!!

it does sound like your Dad has some problems that he should sort out as well - he shouldn't be telling you negative things that your sister has said, especially if she has any sort of depression (which can make people say the strangest things that they don't necessarily mean) - that's designed to foster rifts, not mend them!

What does your mum say about all this? And, just to help you make it clear in your head, is she downtrodden by your Dad, and do you relate better to her than you do to your Dad (and your sis more to your Dad than your Mum?)

In the end, regardless of what any of us here say, you have to decide what is going to be the best on the day for you. Is it worth the years of recrimination from your Dad and your sister to let them boycott the wedding, which after all is their choice, it's not as if you haven't invited your sister (now that would be interesting!) - or do you risk giving in and running the risk of having your wedding potentially spoilt by some brattish behaviour on your sister's part?

I assume your DP is prepared to back you up, whatever you choose?

Hi,
My mum and dad are divorced - no suprise there. I am like my mum and my sister like my dad. My mum said she suffered low self esteem when she was with my dad as he used to make decisions without consulting her.
I am sure they will come and although i see what you mean i just feel a burning anger that i have to go along with them. Feel like i cant win. Oh and hubby to be be cant stand them for what its doing to me.

YANBU but keep your sister and dad out of the plans if they're going to be trouble. Sort out the organising just between yourself and DP. With no info then they won't be able to comment or butt in.

I'd say invite your sister and her DCs to the wedding and let her decline if she wants. If you want her DCs as bridesmaids then simply invite them. I know it's horrible and not at all what you would have planned but you can't give in to the bullying. Your sister will either allow them to be your bridesmaids or not. Try not to worry about it.

On the day, smile sweetly, make an effort and generally enjoy yourself (ignore them if need-be). Just don't let either your sister or dad ruin things. You have to start your married life as you mean to go on.

Congratulations btw

sb9 - I am having my 2 cousins as BMs and my nephew as pageboy. My sis isn't BM at all - she's not really a girly girl and I knew that all I'd get from her would be "well when I got married, I never saw the need for xyz" so I didn't bother. She'll be giving a reading. Thank god this hasn't caused WW3 in my family.

As a mum, I would now want and expect my friends/family to ask my DD to be BM over me. The fact that your sis can't do this proves how nuts she is. Stick to your guns and keep going on to your family how much you wanted your neices to be part of the day and how sad you are that she's ruining it for them.