Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

negotiation of 'time off' with dh

22 replies

oregonianabroad · 02/05/2009 07:31

Bank holiday, isn't it? Nice. Except I'm working. Dh isn't. Dses in nursery to give dh the day off, just for himself.

I asked to have an hour or 2 this weekend too. He says, 'Sure. but I want time off too this weekend too.' I point out he's getting the whole day Monday. This is after I suggested a family picnic tomorrow and he said he'd rather listen to the football.

Row ensues.

Comments?

OP posts:
bigchris · 02/05/2009 07:35

he is being very unreasonable
but I am of a nursey open Bank Holiday Monday
I thought they were all shut

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 02/05/2009 07:40

Mine is great in that respect. They are open, or offer you a day in lieu during the same week if you decide to spend it with your family.

I could have used it that way, or made dh look after the kids on his own and had an extra day at work (sorely needed to catch up on things).

OP posts:
JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 07:40

He's being an arse, but then you shouldn't ask, you should tell him you are going out.
And can't you take a radio on teh picnic and then keep telling the kids 'Daddy wants to throw a ball/frisbee/fly a kite with you' so he doesn't get to listen anyway[evil]

Disclaimer - is he possibly planning some hefty DIY on monday so will be busy but needs DC out of the way? Not likely I am sure but still...you could suggest it

RaspberryBlower · 02/05/2009 07:42

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have a couple of hours off over the weekend as well.

However, I think you are well within your rights to negotiate a longer time off for yourself. An 'hour or two' is what you should be having at the very minimun every weekend. How about an afternoon shopping and/or a night out with friends either this or next weekend?

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 02/05/2009 07:44

No excuse on Monday, apart from lunch with me, which I just told him to forget anyway (probably a bit unreasonable on my part, but this whole tit for tat discussion does my head in).

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 02/05/2009 07:59

Honestly?? I would be expecting a whole day to myself this weekend if he's spending the whole of Monday having me time. I would also expect him to come on a family picnic with the family seeing as he won't be spending any time with the dc on Monday.

YANBU

Dior · 02/05/2009 08:02

I think he is in the wrong, BUT...can't you have the picnic after the football, so both of you win?

Pheebe · 02/05/2009 08:09

TBH I don't understand this idea of 'time off' from your kids. I cannot imagine 'negotiating' with DH to get myself away from them. As if being with them is some kind of punishment or at least the short straw.

If this is how you arrange your family time then you're both onto a no win situation. If there's something specific that one or other of you wanted/needed to do that was difficult to involve the kids with then thats one thing but just random 'time off' seems odd to me. Sorry I think you and your DH are both BU.

aGalChangedHerName · 02/05/2009 08:11

It's not punishinment being with my dc but having 4 means i need some time to relax and recharge my batteries. Most parents do IMO.

Judy1234 · 02/05/2009 08:16

I have five and I've always needed time without them and I don't mind saying so. Makes me better when I'm with them too.

Yes, it's unfair. Also most families if one were off could not afford to buy a day at nursery when an idle father needed to p ut his feet up. It's an extradordinary idea.

We ended up dividing things when he worked on Saturdays that he had them all day Sunday and I did all day Saturday (and I tended to catch up on work/admin on Sunday too) plus trying to organise family timne too. Fixed things are better so he knows every Sudnay he has the children 1 - 7pm or whatever it is you agree and every Sunday at that time you're in your home office working or at your gym class or whatever. The fixed routine is what makes it easier.

Pheebe · 02/05/2009 08:34

I think what I'm trying to say is that you don't seem to be working as a team, sharing family life and supporting each other. You seem to be heading down the road of scheduled care rather than being a family where being with the kids is a chore like any other to be prearranged.

We take exactly the opposite approach. Being together as a family is the assumed 'norm' if you like. We do have to figure out who is going to be with the kids when we're at work (both self employed) and if there's something one of us wants/needs to do we work that out too. But it certainly isn't about negotiation and making sure we get equal amouonts of time 'away from the kids'. That kind of tit for tat situation can only lead to competition, bitterness and conflict imo.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/05/2009 08:39

Nothing wrong with being away from the kids IMO - or with wanting to be. We try to make sure we both have nights out away from the kids and each other. If we didn't we'd go mad - so YANBU on any count. DH has a whole day on monday so he should not quibble about you taking some time over the weekend. It sounds like he resents having the kids by himself a bit - and sees them as your job - ie 'well if I have to have them by myself so do you or it's not fair' which is weird - and I can see Pheebe's point about it seeming like a chore.
If you suspect that's his attitude - stop asking. Tell him you are going to do x or y on saturday afternoon, sunday is family day and he can get used to it (don't say that bit) but he will get used to it, and stop seeing his kids as either a chore, or your job.

DeeBlindMice · 02/05/2009 08:52

It's weird that he wants to put his kids in nursery when he has a chance to spend a full day hanging out with them. That he doesn't want to have a family day on a long weekend is bizarre and sad. Given the nature of radio technology and the invention of the transistor his excuse of wanting to listen to the football doesn't stand up.

I think time away from kids is important, but so is time with them. Putting them in childcare to arse around on a bank holiday when you've not made any extra effort over the weekend is just shit.

aGalChangedHerName · 02/05/2009 08:54

Actually i would say that if he wants Sunday to listen to footy and not do a picnic with the family,then he can keep the dc on Monday and spend time with them!!

Triggles · 02/05/2009 13:33

I have to admit I'm puzzled as well. After working all week, DH looks forward to spending time with the family over the weekend. He wouldn't even consider putting DS in nursery for the day if he was home from work - not only from a financial point of view but also because it would take away from time he could be spending with DS during the day.

They're only young once - such a shame to miss out.

Jaypickle · 02/05/2009 14:00

Yeah, they're only young once, but they are young every day, in and out.....

What is wrong with having a bit of time for yourself? You don't have to weld yourself to your children to be a good parent! I love being with my kids, but they are hard work as well as all the good stuff, why on earth shouldn't I get to be alone once in a while?

If you constantly want to be with your kids, great, well for you. But that doesn't mean other people are odd or wrong for wanting a bit of time for themselves. You are allowed to be a person in your own right, as well as being ma and da!

YANBU

sleeplessinstretford · 02/05/2009 14:48

we've just had the very same discussion/row.
my bugbear is that i get no time to myself at all...i am sahm,dd1 doesn't go up to bed til about 10pm so for me to have any time to read/have a ladybath/have time where i am not 'on call' it just doesn't happen until it's too late/i am too tired to appreciate it.
dp works full time and does do a lot round the house, i have an active social life/am at college/do volunteer-y type do gooding and he never raises an eyebrow about the amount of time i spend 'out' of an evening. Although he claims to have 'no time' he plays football after work one night,has a driving lesson another night,plays pool another night-so he doesn't do too bad either. All i want is some time to get my hair cut and maybe read a book listening to a cd in my own house before midnight...
your dp sounds like he's being a bit of a twat though.

hatesponge · 02/05/2009 15:02

YANB in the slightest U

Having been in a not dissimiliar position, my tactics used to be either

a) to send Dcs out somewhere with their dad (swimming, park etc) if I had stuff to get done at home and needed some child free time to do it in

or

b) if I actually needed to go and do some shopping, catch up with friends etc, I'd just say I was going out & would be back later.

To be honest I never entered into discussion about it but thats probably because I was at that time living with a man who would agree to take us out on a bank hols but end up sleeping most of the day so it was too late to go anywhere, or finding some urgent DIY tak to do - ditto [hmmm]

so in your position I would do what you want to today, and tomorrow I don't see why you can't do picnic/radio or he cant watch the highlights on MOTD2 tomorrow night

hatesponge · 02/05/2009 15:03

task not tak, obviously

Kimi · 02/05/2009 15:09

Oh I did not know you could book time off when you were a parent.

If I were you I would take another nursery day and leave the kids with him Monday.

Jaypickle · 02/05/2009 15:19

Booking time off: isn't that one reason why 2 parents are better than one?

Nobody hands out any martyr medals at the end of the line.....

Kimi · 02/05/2009 16:39

DH and I never had problems with this, if he was going out I have kids if I am out he has kids, no big deal.

I can not get my head round this booking time off thing.
I went to the U.S for 3 weeks to look after a family member and no one batted an eye lid.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread