AIBU to think my mother is out of line?

[baffledbythis]

Long story short, I am 25 and haven't spoken to my mother for about 12 years. This is because her new husband used to hit me and I went to live with my dad; a year after I left my younger sister also left. I asked my mum if I could still see her mum not the step dad on neutral territory (ie not his house)and she said either see both of them or none. When I lived with them from my knowledge he never hit her only us children.

For about 2 years she did send cards at christmas and birthdays, always said, literally, "happy birthday, love mum and step dad". Nothing like I am missing you, please get in touch, etc etc etc. I then went to moved and so she didn't have my address.

She has just tried to add me as a friend on facebook but did not send a message. I am trying to figure out if AIBU to expect more than this after so long? Is there a rational explanation? It just seems she sent the cards and added me as a friiend nt because she really cares but because on some level she has to reassure herself she tried her best to get in contact IYSWIM?

Am I being too hard on her? Am a regular btw just namechanged!

It sounds more like she wants to contact you, but doesn't really know what to say. So she's probably trying to gauge your response to her.

It is very much out of line that she has attempted to get back into your life in such an impersonal way after all this time.

Does she know that her husband hit you?

hmm could be bbananaFB, but not even a "hello, have I got the right person....". Just seems like a total cop out. I am the 'child' here, why is it that I have to direct her IYSWIM?

I just can't help but think if it were my child (I don't have any yet but I'd walk over hot coals for all the people in my life I love) I wouldn't give a shit about their reaction - I'd have to make it known that I miss them dearly.

Just feel a bit wounded I suppose and not sure if I have the right really!?

I think, and I accept I may be wrong! You need to decide if you want to be in contact with her and, if you do, if you are prepared for the fact she may not actually be ready for the contact you want IYSWIM.

It is pointless to try and work out her motives as you cannot, possibly, understand someone whom you do not really know and who made such massive decisions that you, clearly, would not make yourself.

It is possible that she feels remorse and is trying to build bridges. Facebook could be an easy way to test the water without too much risk of hurt if she is rejected. On the other hand it could be that having you as a friend on facebook will mean she can simply project the image of a normal family to her other friends IYSWIM.

TBH I don't think you are being hard, it is natural to want to protect yourself after a childhood as complex and difficult as yours. By the sound of it your mother has done little to try and redeem herself.

I think you have the right to feel the way you do- it's not really "normal" motherly behaviour, and it's perfectly understandable that you are upset by it. It IS very impersonal.

X Post - YES you do have the right! You were wounded, as a child, that kind of hurt does not dissappear with a snap of the fingers and a "send message" button!

Alibabaandthe40nappies - yes she did, she said I deserved it. My mum and dad did hit me as a punishment when I was growing up
(probably 3 times in my life) which is fine by me. But my SD used to hit us both willy nilly (leaving tele on before school, not washing up something etc) - I was quite mouthy saying he had no right to hit us, which is why it was deserved apparently.

Other than that I was quite well behaved, so it's not like I was a tearaway that needed a good hiding, or a bit of a handful etc! Step dad used to say he'd hit my dad too (in front of mother) - so was quite scary as a kid.

baffled how horrid for you and your sister.

You most certainly are not being too hard on her. I agree with KingCanute, what you need to ask is whether you want her back in your life. You need to be prepared to accept that she may not have changed at all which I imagine would bring everything up all over again for you.

I would be inclined to ignore the Facebook request, the last thing you want is the whole world looking on while you deal with this.

Good I'm glad I'm not over reacting, it just seems so blase (SP?) to me I thought it was ok for her to behave like this and I was in the wrong and being too harsh.

I'm not sure what I want from her, I don't know her at all really - I don't hate her and I don't think I love her I certainly have little desire to get to know her. It seems all the crucial times where you think "if only I had a mum", have passed - so what would i stand to gain from this really?

It's my little sister I'm more worried about as she has been a total mess for years and is only just finding her feet these last 2-3 years.

Has anyone here ever gone through something like this with a parent with a reconciliation? The concept of getting to know her isn't exactly filling me with joy! I did message her back though - politely saying, "WTF do you want from me woman!" .

"On the other hand it could be that having you as a friend on facebook will mean she can simply project the image of a normal family to her other friends IYSWIM" - KingCanute, when I first went to live with my father I heard on the grapevine some years later that she used to talk to the patients on her ward (she is a nurse) about her 2 daughters, as if we were still at home!

So yes I think this is a potential issue - especially as a lot of my friends from my mothers area have added me as friends and due to it being a small place those friends parent's would also know I was on FB so she is almost under pressure to act on it IYSWM. So she can continue telling everyone she tried her best I suppose.

Need a crystal ball really!

It wouldn't surprise me if it was something like that, however I am wary of being too cynical as I don't know her or you IYSWIM.

Do you think she has contacted your sister too?
It is possible to tie yourself up in knots trying to understand people you don't understand. My gut feeling is to decide what you want and go with it. You are not responsible for her and you should not take on guilt for her.

She contacted my sister in exactly the same manner - no message etc. She has replied, "why now?" quite apt I thought.

I think I'm just going to do what I've done over the years and potter around by myself and if I want to get in contact with her at some point I will. Maybe when I have my own children I will have a "ah-ha" moment and appreciate what good could come from it. But at the minute I don't think it's something I really want or can see any benefit involving myself in.

Let's see what her response is to our messages and then go from there I think. Such a bloody soap opera! Thanks for all the advice and support everyone esp KingCanuteInn nice to know I am a NBU. First time on AIBU too and no-one donned a hard hat or broke out the popcorn - bonus!

bump for morning gang - has anyone reconcilied with an estranged parent and what's your relationship like now?