Need to vent.......

[thinking2much]

Hi all,

I am left to chat on here as at this second in time I feel tearful and introvert.

I am a very bubbly and chatty person and get on with everyone. I am a mother of 3 children including a step son of 15. I have been with my current partner for 11 years (although we had a 3 year break in the middle) and I feel my relationship with my family is the best and I feel proud.

The thing that is getting me down is that I have only 1 friend. I did have lots of friends (all from the same group that I met a few years back) but now I have chosen to not be part of hteir lives as I feel vidicated by them all the time and as though my friendship was never accepted. I also felt like they rated me as lower then them and I was 2nd rate. They are all from the music business and have this ora about them that says they are better.

After several years of feeling sidelined all the time I felt it got me down to much. No matter what friend I made from being with that group my friendship with them was never strong enough for them to take my side or be a good friend to me.

I am nearly 30 and feel that making new friends (good freinds, normal freinds with normal lives) is so hard, like I am a failure of some sorts.

Anytime I made new friends not from that group I was questioned all the time, like where are they from how did you meet them. Dont forget about your real friends kind of jibes. They would often slag them off and make me feel like I wasn't allowed to have other friends or I couldn't possibly have my own.

I am now left crying at my pc! It is not because I miss them, far from it.....in the end I hated them for what they made me feel and how they treated me. However now I just dont know how to make friends at all!

I worked ofr so many years of my life and no am a home mum and my husband is the full time worker. I love my children and my family and as said before not unhappy about that at all. I dont suffer from post natel depression I dont get stressed around my children at all. I just want to be around some female friends that are nice.

There is so much more to this story but to much to convey in a post on this site.

Also, it is hard for me to make new mum freinds in this area as one of the girls is a mum in this area and she gets everywhere and she is such a big mouth and always spreads gossip, so no doubt she has told them about me.

I am lost.

xx

Seems I cant even talk to people on here only 1 helpful answer after 1 hour -

I feel even ore deflated - cant even talk to people on the net! lol

I'm sorry to hear how low you are feeling.

May I make a suggestion? Sometimes getting your feelings down on paper can help you to clarify what you want and how to get it.

It sounds as if you have a strong and supportive family unit. Why not start by making a list of the parts of your life that are positive and good, and that give you strength? The things that make you happy, big and small.

Then write down what you would like to add to those strengths. What extra things you would like to have in your life in six months' time, for example.

You clearly feel that you need friends who are kind and generous of spirit, rather than friends who make themselves feel good by putting you down.

Depending on where you live, it may be very easy to start meeting people. Not that you are necessarily going to meet kindred spirits straight away, but perhaps just mixing with normal people who don't put you down all the time, who show an interest in you, would get the ball rolling.

Have a look on the internet or in the local paper to see what clubs or events happen close to where you live. A few possibilities . . .

Dance
Pottery
Silversmithing
Art
Literature
Foreign language
Yoga
Choir

Some of them will be ongoing, but some my only last six weeks or so. It just might kickstart some new opportunities?

I am sure that you will find some positive new friends. You sound like a kind and loving person, and that's the best foundation for attracting new friends to you.

Good luck!

I am sorry you are feeling so horrible at the moment. I think as people get older and have families, their friendships start to dwindle. Its no reflection on you at all. I feel the same sometimes (I am 31 so a similar age to you) but I try not to let it get to me too much.

It sounds like you have wasted a lot of valuable energy on these people. You can guarantee if they are not nice people then you are not on your own in feeling like this about them and they do not have the power to influence everyone. Even if the worst has happenned and this person has been gossiping about you, most people will realise there are two sides to every story.

I would second wordweaver - if you can, try to do something for yourself that will bring you in contact with likeminded people. Are you religous? I am not but I know plenty of people who have become part of a community and made lots of friends through church. I have actually considered this avenue myself. Or perhaps vountary work either at your childrens school if they are old enough to be at school or elsewhere. Or maybe toddler / baby groups if your children are still littleys. Which area do you live in?

From your name and your post you sound very self-aware. We all worry about how others see us but luckily some people can worry less about that and get on with their lives not caring too much, whereas it sounds like you're the other way and care very much so it can be disabling if you feel people are mistreating you or talking behind your back. I'm a bit like this myself and have to wonder sometimes if I'm just over-sensitive. Perhaps people don't think all that much about us, except in relation to their needs e.g. the jealousy you perceive when they hear you have other friends. That's just their insecurity about themselves as opposed to them really giving a stuff what you do.

You are how you are so I don't expect it's easy for you to write them off and be glad of your nice family and not worry about the friends issue too much, but somehow you have to separate what you can and can't control and not let your experience of them get you down so much. The more you think negative crap about yourself, the worse you will feel and the harder it will be to make friends. Or perhaps to reconnect with some old ones?

I'm sure you know all this already, but please don't keep beating yourself up about it. Try to get out and do stuff instead of thinking so much, and sod this big mouth mum ex-friend in the area. You can rise about her gossip and not let it limit your life.

rise above, not about.

And sorry for the long sentences. Hope they make some sense!

Thanks pink delight....your words made sense and have made me look at things differently.

I am not this person ready to give up or anything, I have just had a hormonal moment and just needed someone to tlk to....Thanks x

It often happens that you get involved with a crowd who aren't quite right for you. I used to have a big group of friends that I never felt totally part of and I left them behind, like you've done.

Then you made new friends, but these old friends made you feel like you were betraying them in some way. What rubbish! Choose your friends according to how much you like them not how long you've known them.

My mum is no fountain of wisdom believe me but she did once say, when I was stressing about what others thought of me: 'noone thinks about you half as much as you think they do'. And she didn't mean noone cared about me, she meant, when you think, oh god, they think I'm this or that, they were actually thinking about something more directly related to them and their lives.

Also, muso types?! Notoriously shallow!

Are your children Primary School age?

It is from my two dcs going to school that I have met my most recent friends. From inconsequential chatter at the school gates, to a bit of whinging banter about school. Some of them now are quite good friends and it helps that the children all get on well.

If your dcs are older, hopefully that will give you the chance to start a class, maybe find a part time job or do something in a class with the children (karate, running?).

Good luck I hope you get to know some people you feel confident with.

thinking, I was in a similar position to you after having ds1, I'd left behind my 'friends' from uni for pretty similar reasons & found it hard to meet people.

In the end, I used mumsnet & found mums local to me, we all chat & meet up pretty regularly, is that an option for you?

hth

Reading your post I realised that you were putting into words exactly how I was feeling at the moment. I work from home and feel so isolated. Im reading the replies with interest! Sometimes its good just to put down in words what your feeling and it is good to find a hobby or interest outside the home and use that as a way to make friends (I just need to practice what I preach I think!)