AIBU re my mate, her bf and his kids

[fatforlashes]

Have namechanged for this as discussing someone else's business.

My friend has been seeing a bloke for several months. He is mid -divorce and has a couple of young kids. His exW doesn't yet know he has met someone else. The exW is an awful, serial cheating (with a couple of his mates), (threatened him with knives) generally nasty piece of work by all accounts. However, my mate and the bf have now decided that she is going to meet the kids when he has his next access visit. But they are not gong to tell the ex-W first because they hate her so the first she hears will be when the kiddies go home and tell her they met daddy's new gf.

Irrespective of how awful the exW might be I think this is wrong. I think he should tell her he is going to do it first. Am I wrong?

And I know its none of my business.

I think they should hang fire till the divorce is through. But it doesn't matter what I think...or you! In the nicest possible way

how old are the dc, i do agree that she should be informed,( more that he is dating her than she is going to meet the DC) but if she is toxic, she will influence the DC's reactions to their potential stepmother before it has even happened.

funny how men never seem to tell their new girlfriends how lovely their ex-wives were, and how it was all their own fault, isn't it?

Maybe the ex-wife is a nightmare, but it's a racing possibility the bloke is just exaggerating in order to paint himself as an innocent victim.

At any rate, I agree with you about it being underhand to introduce the children to their father's new girlfriend without telling their mother.

This man and your friend don't sound very nice, really. Doesn't seem like putting the children first at all.

Not very nice for kids to be put in this position - how old are they?

Whatever your friend and BF think of ex-wife (there are always 2 sides to a story)the kids should come first

This sounds pretty grim. But if the bloke's XW is that awful (violent etc) why isn't he suing for custody?
I don;t think there is a lot that you can do for your mate, TBH, she is bound to interpret any suggestion that the bloke is, for instance, exaggerating as you interfering. Best to stay out of it as much as you can.

Very underhand.

My dad did this, turned up to pick me and dtbs up to take us out of the day, and he had his new gf in the van with him
Naturally he pretended she was just a friend, and asked us not to say anything to my mum.
Naturally we told her what really happened and she went absolutely off it.

I would talk very nicely to your friend and tell her this is not a good idea. Especially if she does want to have a good relationship with these kids, pissing off their mother is not the way to go about it!

thanks, I have told her I think its underhand and potentially playing into the ExW's hands but they have got the hump with me now.

There's a lot of strong feelings re the ExW - I know there's two sides etc but it seems she really is a nasty piece of work but my point is that is irrelevant. He has always had the high moral ground but in doing this he will lose it.

She is their mother and I think it is asking for trouble to do it behind her back. She will poison the kids who are 4 and 5 against my mate anyway - her having met them once and everything being all nice won't count for much when they go home and tell their mum they have met this new woman.

I will stay out of it from now on but I wondered whether anyone would agree that its the wrong way to go about it.

Groan.
Your freind has been seeing this bloke mid divorce " for several months " and they BOTH have strong feelings about his wife? Sounds like their common bond is hating her.

Id not be impressed if my new bloke was ok with me hating his wife, in fact id stay well clear.
Fact is, his wife may mean very little to him, but seeing as shes the mother of his children she probably means a lot more to him than your freind does, and if hes being like this to his wife, whats in store for your freind?

Does a good father bad mouth his childrens mother like this, then shove a hatefull girlfreind down his kids throats?

Your freind doesnt get to " decide " when she meets the kids , really she doesnt sound very nice at all and id imagine shes come in handy to get revenge on his wife.

I assume by the statements youve made about his wife that you know her personally?
Its not an uncommon tactic for a man to bad mouth his partner and recruit others to do the same.

Doesnt sound like a very nice situation for the children .

If your mate hates their mother, i absoluteley guarentee that their mum wont need to poisen the kids against her, they,ll hate her of their own accord.

And like someone else pointed out, if shes this crazy knife weilding loon, why isnt he going for custody?
?

Does your freind have children?

The interests of the DCs need to come first.