This is the first time I have posted on here, so please forgive me if I don't explain everything clearly or use the right abbreviations! But I've seen some friendly people giving great advice on here, and I would really value some objective opinions.
I started seeing someone about three months ago and am having a really lovely time. He's fun, kind, thoughtful and treats me better than any man I have ever had a relationship with. Right now, I'm very happy. I'm just waiting to see how this develops, and hoping it carries on getting better and better as we get to know each other more.
I'm very close to my mother, who has met him on several occasions and has got on well with him. (She's what I consider completely balanced about it - she's friendly and welcoming, without any premature nudges or comments about wedding bells!)
The problem I have is with her ex-partner, who I will refer to as my stepfather for the sake of simplicity. They were together for 20 years, (although they only started living together after I left home, so I never actually lived with him as a kid). He has always wanted to see me as his daughter, although I have never been able to feel the same. My relationship with him was good when I was a child, rocky when I was a teen, and is now fairly good. Much like a lot of girls and dads I should imagine.
Mum left him about three years ago, and as the only 'child' I was the only support for both of them through the whole difficult time. At the time he told a very big, very damaging lie to me while I was trying to help him. It was like a bomb in the middle of our little family unit, and it broke a great deal of trust. That isn't important in terms of this discussion (I and Mum have forgiven him and moved on from the hurt) except in the sense that it means I am aware that he did this very hurtful, untrustworthy thing to me.
He has met my new boyfriend once, for half an hour. They joked and chatted and it all seemed to go well.
Since then, he has interrogated me repeatedly on the subject of new boyfriend's financial position, plans for the future, educational qualifications etc. He told me that he suspects new man is going to try to move in with me (the house he rents is being sold and he will have to look for another place soon). I reassured him that I don't want to move things that fast and have no intention of asking him to move in. I have also spoken to new boyfriend, just to make sure there was no unspoken question about it between us, and he said he feels the same - no point in rushing anything. He said that the way he feels about me, he expects that one day we will live together, but he wants that to be further down the line, when his business is more secure (he's setting it up at the moment - not the best time financially).
I thought stepfather would be ok, but various little remarks he has made to me and to my mother have shown me that there's still a problem. So when I went over there to see him last week, I asked if he was still feeling worried about something. I said that I wanted to have it in the open, because it's important to me that he gives this man a chance, as I like him very much.
Stepfather poured out stream of worries, saying he doesn't trust new boyfriend, thinks he is only with me because I have my own house and am 'a good catch', that he will try to make me invest in his business, that he will never be able to 'support me', and that he is only pretending to like me.
I was quite upset by this, because it implies that stepfather thinks no one could genuinely be in love with me. But getting upset never helps. I spoke with him very calmly and rationally for about an hour. I said that it was understandable that he worries about me, but that no relationship has an ironclad guarantee, and only time will tell if it will last or work out. I am a woman of 33 years old and work as a freelancer, and I am (by stepfather's own admission) a sensible person who doesn't run into rash decisions. I asked him if, for my sake, he could agree to not pre-judge new boyfriend, but reserve judgement and just take the time to get to know him as Mum is. He agreed, but his parting words were "I still don't trust him though."
I just feel a bit sad and worn out. It's not like I'm asking him to walk me down the aisle - just to make a little effort for my sake. I am not planning to rush into anything, and it's a very new relationship right now - stepfather's worries seem massively premature.
He wouldn't dream of suggesting that we went for a drink together or something like that - in everything he always waits for others to organise things. I have made a suggestion of all going to see the opera at the end of May. I thought this would be a good way to spend an evening together without it being as potentially confrontational as a meal. Stepfather loves opera and new boyfriend is interested to experience it, although has never been before. Stepfather's been very reticent, and eventually snapped out "Does he really like opera or is he just pretending?" He did say that we could go, but it doesn't feel like a happy thing to me any more, and I haven't yet booked it.
I guess I just wonder if I should keep trying to think of situations where stepfather could get to know boyfriend without it being too antagonistic - or rather, without stepfather's antagonism showing too strongly. Or perhaps I should just forget it - say that I have done what I can, and if stepfather wants to meet me halfway, he needs to take some steps now.
Perhaps I am fretting too much. But stepfather can be a difficult man to be around, and can make those closest to him feel very sick and miserable if he is cross about something. I should add that he can also be extremely kind, funny, generous and nice, and he is family to me, so it does matter to me when he has bad reactions to things.
Wow, this post is probably way too long. Sorry . . .