Dp and the csa!

[strangepickle]

sorry this is a bit long! Dp has two children with his ex wife.He also has two children with me.I have always encouraged him to be a good dad to all his kids, and TBH he adores all the LO's..Recently he has had a letter from the csa, fair enough, the kids need support from their dad, and i wouldnt be with someone who shirked their responsibilities to their child.The problem is the ex wife. She asks all the time for money, for gas and electricity, for cigarettes, for food.But she always has enough money to go out clubbing with her mates.She has suggested to Dp that he keep giving her money in her hand ,and that she'll phone up csa and tell them to drop her case.I'm not happy about this one bit, surely as she doesnt work she doesnt have that option?I just cant shake off the idea that she is up to no good and trying to cheat the system, and that Dp will end up paying her twice! Now i dont grudge the kids anything, they are lovely and i adore spending time with them, as do their siblings.I'd happily go without to make sure they had what they need.Dp is too nice to his ex wife at times, think its mostly to placate her.They broke up because she was violent to him( not sure it counts as domestic abuse with him being man).He left because he felt he couldnt trust himself to keep taking it and not retaliate.It is also public knowledge that she is an anphetamine user ,perhaps why she got violent?. If the kids lived with us it would be better for them, but ex-wife wont let that happen, ( for her faults , she does love them).I think she's wanting money for drugs and not for the kids.I've told Dp this and he thinks she just doesnt want hassle with her income support getting changed.So AIBU?

your op could be construded as quite bitter towards the ex-wife, going out clubbing is not a crime, when you say it is public knowledge she is a drug user, do you mean idle gossip, or do you have hard evidence? is she neglecting her dc?

If your dp is not happy about the amount he pays her then he should get the csa to properly calculate how much he should pay, he can still pay her directly once he knows the amount that should be paid. You cannot dictate how she spends the money once it is in her hands.

"They broke up because she was violent to him( not sure it counts as domestic abuse with him being man)"

it certainly does. that's like saying "i'm not sure if it counts as rape because they were married"

but that aside, i would trust your instincts. go down the official routes, pay through the csa and stop the money in hand stuff. that way everything is above board and once your husband is complying and meeting his responsibilities (which i have no doubt he will) then he won't face any recriminations. if you continue operating outside of the system you never know what could jump up and bite you in the ass or what accusations of not supporting his family could be levelled at him in private or even in court if there was ever a need to go back.

Agree go through CSA and stop extra money to ex as csa should cover the childrens household expenses. Her lifestyle is up to her. My husband gets annoyed when exwife splashes out on something as she's tight re spending his money on the kids, but there's nothing he can do so I tell him to ignore her and her lifestyle apart from being polite and pleasant and concentrate on the kids.

Stop handing over cash.

Go totally through the CSA. If the kids need something then buy it for them on top of that but I wouldn't hand over cash to a known drug user.

We are in a very similar situation here. My dp went to the csa as the payments he was paying were not sustainable and to add to that we now have a child to support so his circumstances have changed. EW has also now gone to the csa so dp's case was stopped and hers now being looked at.

Because two of dp's children have left home the payments he makes will now only be for the two that are still living at home so therefore less than before. Because of this ew says she should get more money for spousal maintenance than she has been getting for the past 6 years!! Me thinks that she has been using the money she was getting for the children for things for herself - as the money she has been getting in spousal maintenance had been enough but apparently not anymore!!

Sorry I think I've just gone off on a tangent and away from the OP!!!

I think you should go to the csa to work out what the payments should be. But as has been said before there isn't much you can do if she spends the money on herself and not the dc's unless you can prove they are being neglected.

Pay through the csa and stop giving her any money in hand, there is no record of it that way. The money you give her should be for the children, not a drug habbit that she may have. I'd be bloody livid if a partner of mine was giving money to this woman and that was what she was spending it on.

You don't sound bitter at all from what I'm reading. Just narked off, which is perfectly acceptable given the circumstances.

Stop all payments to her and go directly through the csa, they will calculate how much he is to pay, they will also take into account that he has another 2 children with you to support. At least this way it is all official and you won't have any problems paying her this way. You parnter will pay the csa automatically and they will pass on the money to her. Any extras he spends should be on his kids and given directly to his kids. If she goes out clubbing instead of paying bills, buying food etc then that's her being a total muppet imho.

'I need money for food' - send the kids to us and we'll feed them.

'I need money for electric' - send the kids to us for the night and then they'll be warm.

'I need money for fags' - feck off/give up. Optional response here.

Do not give her money, make sure it all goes through the right channels, would your DP consider going for custody of his children if his ex is not doing well coping?

vinegartits , i have hard evidence...she has been txting a mutual friend to ask if he can get her anphetimines, and she has prior history of it with police.I dont think im being bitter, i have no personal issue with the woman, i just wish she'd get some help for her problem. Best mate is a mental health nurse who works with addicts to help them detox, so i know there is help out there for her if she wants, and both Dp and i would support her 100% if that was what she choose.My main concern(apart from the kids,)is that my own family doesnt suffer because Dp gets himself into trouble and has too pay backdated money when he's been handing over cash already.Morloth ,we already buy the kids things(shoes,clothes ect)over and above what Dp gives ex wife, so would continue that anyway!. I think Dp would benefit from counceling or something as i think he still does all he can to placate her, almost if he's afraid of her .He refuses to go see about it as he's ashamed and thinks people will laugh at him if they know.

If she abuses drugs are the children safe with her? If she's applying for more maintainance I'd document evidence of her drug use.

I don't read your post as being bitter at all.

You really must do everything by the book.

Keep a record of everything and carry on supporting your DP and his children when you can.

If she's trying to pull the wool over the benefits agency's eyes then that is her lookout.

Do stop paying maintenance in cash as there's no way to prove that you've paid. Instead, set up a regular standing order for the CSA-mandated amount and make sure that the reference on the standing order says CHILD MAINTENANCE. That way your bank statements will show that he's meeting his obligations.

Or, go via the CSA. They are pretty hopeless whenever it gets complicated but this should be simple enough for them to not get too wrong. Hopefully.

That aside, if I was your DP, I'd be seriously concerned about my children being raised by someone whom I knew to be violent and whom I believed to have an ongoing drug problem. That's not a happy combination.

Didn't mean to imply that you don't! Just that she really shouldn't be getting anything in hand on top of the CS.

Snorbs as far as i know the ex wife has never hit the kids, although she does shout quite a bit!(that from a 7yr old so @"quite a bit" , could have been once for not putting toys in for all i know).The kids love their mum, im not looking to replace her, just to be there if they need me.( a bit like having back-up ) I would phone up the csa myself, but i doubt they'd tak to me as Dp and i are not married, we just live together.I could arrange payments from our joint savings account.