Boring..Kids putting stuff away??

[StercusAccidit]

I am writing this on behalf of someone else.. my first AIBU thread lol

Ok..DSC's over for the weekend, get all the stuff out for the wii, leave it all over the bed, controller, games out of the box, which i HATE so i know.. controllers not put back on charge so BF DS will come back from his weekend away and moan about controller not being charged.

So, BF gets all the stuff, and puts it on her DP's side of the bed, for him to put away (bearing in mind she has said time and time again to both the kids and DP about putting the games away and controllers on charge to no avail)

DP's response to this is to say the following:

Ok because MY kids got them out i am expected to put them away? How petty.

Well next time they come they won't play with the wii at all.

Then goes into a huff and sleeps as far on the edge of the bed as he can get away from her in a mood.

BTW the kids are 6 and 8.
Hit me, i can take it (and pass it on) thanks!!

Sounds fair enough - if they don't look after other people's things they're not allowed to use them. They're old enough to understand this. Why should your friend's son have his property used and abused?

Thats sort of what i said but she does realise she may have seemed a bit petty.. the thing is though, its not like she makes two piles of washing or two piles of cups plates ect and says 'your kids used these so YOU can wash them up'

Its a major bone of contention at the moment, i know she loves the kids to bits and is the kind of person who wouldn't see them treated badly, or do it herself, but i know in his previous relationship before her, the kids weren't treated v well by his partner, i guess he feels like he has to be on the alert and stick up for the kids even when its not needed, if you know what i mean.

I did say i am a bit like that with my own kids, a bit oversensitive to stuff, as we have all been subjected to abuse at the hands of my own XP's.

Thanks for your reply Just want to let her know she ISNT being a nasty child abusing dragon!!

Why didn't she just oversee them tidying up or get them to join in and help tidy them away. Establish a pattern where they know that things must be tidied away after using them?
Why wait until they have gone and then pile it all on dp? Maybe said something to him before they went along the lines of getting the children to tidy away or he would have to do it when they were gone. So giving him warning.

Thanks jule.. unfortunately already tried this, it didn't work, asking and asking and asking nicely, mentioning it to DP, threatening banning the use of the wii, hence this last ditch attempt to 'shock' by dumping it all on him thereby showing him what she has to do every time they come.

Supervising tidying up also sounds fine in theory. Is this also alongside cooking for them, making sure homework is done, driving all the way to wales to pick up new wheels for his car, washing up, doing the laundry, looking after a toddler, flushing the toilet after them as this is something they seem incapable of doing, reminding them to wash hands before eating, after loo, ect, need i carry on with this list?

I know how it feels cos i used to do it

I don't see she did anything wrong as such, exhaused after doing this all weekend, she got pissed off and decided to show DP exactly what she was on about and tried to make the point without arguing or shouting, even though she was frustrated. Or cramming it up his backside.
Obv it didn't go down as planned.

And what do you do when a faked bright n breezy cheery attempt at saying "ooooo its tidy up tiiiiiiiiime " falls flat with the kids just gawping at you as if you've gone out and totally ignoring your request, leading to repeated requests, then slight huffiness, cue DP having a go at you like "You're always having a go at my kids"

Can't win.

I don't understand why she's blaming her DP and blackmailing him into tidying it up? Seems a bit petty and unkind to me.

I would say to the DSC they can't play with your DS's stuff unless they put it away afterwards and they will get one chance and one chance only. So next time they come, they play with wii, she goes in and reminds them to put it away, if they don't, they don't play with it again. If they do, all well and good. No point blaming her DP! It's not his fault! She doesn't need to come in with a breezy 'it's tidy up time!' but to come in and say 'if that wii doesn't get put away properly when you've finished with it, then DS can't play with it when he wants to and it belongs to him so I'll have to stop letting you play on it, otherwise it's really not fair on DS'.

All children do those things on the list - again, it's not her DP's fault so why is he being blamed? Very annoying, but either she just gets on with it and accepts it, all the time at least trying to get the DSCs to improve their behaviour/how much they help, or she says she won't look after the children unless he's there - never understand this arrangement when I know people who do it. Surely the DSCs are there to see their Dad, not his girlfriend?

Thanks GWS

I see your point And i will pass on what is said, i don't think she is blaming DP though, its more because she's got sick of following the kids round cleaning up, i did say to her she should have laid the boundary at first, easier said then done i know, especially when she was trying to be so nice to them at first, now she has to lay it down and they don't understand why she is all of a sudden not picking up after them without a word, and its causing resentment all round which i am hoping posting here will stop.

He doesn't tidy up after them, why should she? And why does she have to be the one who is 'nagging' .. And if she says 'If you don't put it away i will have to stop you playing on it' which she is not the sort of person to say IMO, yes, they DO come to see him but she takes on the childcare reponsibilities, which i believe is unfair. If they have come to see him why doesnt he tell them to flush the loo, wash their hands, put toys away, put washing in the basket instead of strewn round the house, why doesn't he help them at bathtime, or take them to the park?

I know all kids do what they do, and as i have said i pointed out that she has sort of made her own bed, but thats not helpful so i thought i would ask here She ended up putting everything away anyway incidentally.

So you think she should say that they have one chance ect, but then they don't put the things away and she does this, DP would obv (IMO) get all huffy that she is being spiteful with the wii??

Yes, it's unfair she's doing the childcare - should be him. It's not spiteful to not let someone treat something disrespectfully that belongs to someone else, it's common sense. If I lent you a book, and you wrecked it, I wouldn't lend you another one! It would be different if it were her wii she wouldn't be letting them play on, but it's not, it's her DS's. She needs to explain this to DP.

I think also she needs to think why she wants the DSCs to do certain things and decide how important that is. She wants them to wash their hands not so they grow up nicely (becuase that's not her responsibility) but so she doesn't get ill, so that's a reasonable thing for her to say to them. She wants the loo flushed so it's not minging, but it's not dangerous or harmful not to flush the loo, so maybe she just does that when she goes to the loo herself and accepts it's an annoying thing that happens when the DSCs are round.

Tidying up toys? Maybe she needs to sit down with them and say that she's unhappy having to tidy up after them, and that she's only going to do it one more time - into a big ikea bag that will be stored out of their reach until they leave. Ie. if they don't put it away, it can't be played with any more by them. Not spiteful, but practical - she wants it tidy, understandably, and doesn't want to do it repeatedly. This way she gets her message across and hopefully ends up with less to do. If they continue being bad about it, then maybe next time they visit she goes round gathering up all the things she kept away from them last time and keeps them away again.

Washing? Go round, chuck it all in a black bag and leave it for them to either take home, or deal with the way she wants it dealt with.

She wants the house tidy, basically, but is not there to bring them up, so should do the bare minimum and grit her teeth at the lack of help.

She needs to start communicating - not laying down rules, but negotiating with the DSCs and her DP (and maybe get her DS involved too). This doesn't sound like a wii problem IMO, more like a step family problem (I was brought up in a step family btw). They need to do some creative thinking and she needs to say how unhappy she is with the situation and what she wants to happen and maybe see if the DSCs and DP can come up with some ideas so she doesn't get unhappy?

I would not let them play on it next time, explaining why. Let that sink in and then try them again with it the time after that.

depending on there ages maybe she could sit down with dp and ask for a reasonable chore allocation for them so that the work isnt solely on her

she can let him know what she struggles with and then they can set this in place next time they visit no nagging just layed out whats expected etc

She's annoyed with her dp because he isn't backing her up. If he did that it would be much easier to enforce a "tidy up time" or similar.

And her being the strict one who enforces boundaries and hands out sanctions will only work he is right behind her on that too, otherwise she will be seen as the wicked step-mother.

It's not as straightforward as it is with your own children.

Putting it on her dh's side was petty. It is like subtly placing blame....

OK, my kids are a similar age - 7 and 9. If your friend has a toddler, she may think that 6 and 8 seem huge and capable.
They are still children.
Although they may not need "standing-over-them" kind of supervision, they do still need reminding. Something along the lines of
"Ok guys, remember, before you get anything else out, put the wii away".

Kids of this age respond very well to jokes/teasing (well, my kids and their friends seem to anyways). For example "Did you wash your hands? No? EEEWWWW!" Or "Hey you didn't flush, that was a mighty nice log, but I don't actually HAVE to see every poo that gets made in this house..." My dd's friend never flushes

I don't know why that "You see what I mean."

was at the end...

Supervising tidying up also sounds fine in theory. Is this also alongside cooking for them, making sure homework is done, driving all the way to wales to pick up new wheels for his car, washing up, doing the laundry, looking after a toddler, flushing the toilet after them as this is something they seem incapable of doing, reminding them to wash hands before eating, after loo, ect, need i carry on with this list?
"
Apart from driving to Wales, all the rest sounds normal stuff, not something to make a big deal of. Did she take them to Wales with her? Presumably the Wales thing isn't a regular event.
And if her ds was away for the w/e then she only had one extra to deal with.

I think Purpleduck has a point when saying
"Are they welcome in the home, or just guests that are put up with?"

I don't think it's about them feeling welcome or otherwise, SA has said she she loves them to bits and wouldn't see them treated badly. IMO this is about her dp and how much he supports/helps her.

It's a very difficult scenario with step-children. With your own you can make up your own rules and boundaries and enforce them. When it's someone else's children it's not quite so easy. And if you aren't careful you get into arguments and the "you're not my mum, you can't tell me what to do" type comments get used. If her dp isn't backing her up, then she can't enforce anything - and that is hugely frustrating and will make her feel very disempowered in her own home, and that is a horrible way to feel.

I think all she is doing is taking out her frustration on her dp because she's tried everything else and doesn't know what else to do. And I think it's completely understandable.

Sorry pd 'lets them use it' was the wrong way of putting it.

They are more than welcome, she really is lovely, and often tells me about how he says his XP used to treat the kids.

The 'subtle' way of placing 'blame' i think comes from frustration that no matter how many times she has raised it, he still doesn't back her up but seems to view it as she is 'picking' on 'HIS' kids. I too would find that frustrating, and also a bit, well, given how welcome they are made, a bit insulting.

Ok we are all on the alert for our kids being ill treated.
Yes, it is damned harder than it is with your own kids, whoever said that i thank you, i agree.

I have DSC's, make them welcome, pretty much i do the same as she does, tidying up after them, cooking tea, childcare ect, while XP sat playing the xbox..so ihave a bit of a blinkered view so to be fair i posted here to ask wise mners

To be COMPLETELY honest..they have NO respect for their own things from what i have seen. They break things in a temper, lose them, ok, they are kids, she doesn't have a lot of money yet goes out to buy them things, they are never left out, but her DS moans that his stuff is getting 'wrecked' or that he can't play on the wii because the remotes have been used and not charged, and at 40 quid a pop i assume that she is not happy to find the games left all over the floor.

I sympathise, but as i say, she was so determined, being a DSC herself at one point, not to allow them to feel unwanted or let out ect, that she went ott on the kindness and didnt set boundaries or rules for fear of being branded the wicked stepmother.

Thats a tough one if they don't have respect for their own stuff. But kids are quite good at compartmentalising (sp?). There are rules at home and rules at school etc - so perhaps they will eventually respond to rules made at their dad's house.

For those saying that its hard with other people's kids (to set rules) I am NOT a stepmother, and I don't have experience with it, except (and I know its different) that when friends come over, I have started to implement more rules. Hopefully not in a nasty way. I just got fed up with ds's friends treating dd (who is younger) in a bad way. Or friends who come around and trash the place.
I don't think its bad to have house rules. IE) in our house we don't wreck our stuff. etc.

God it all sounds hard! Good luck to your friend

Thanks

IMO with stepkids its even harder than with your kids friends who come round and do the same thing, at least you can ban them from ever visiting again... lol only kidding but trust me, it crossed my mind a few times

She actually did think and worry she would be looked upon as petty but feeling like she had helped/picked up for/made a game of everything to help the kids with tidying up, i think it was a last straw moment and i know how that feels.

She treats the kids how she expects hers would be treated in the same situation, the main problem was really with the wii tbh as she did have to save the money to buy it, and the games, her son gets hardly anything, and appreciates what he has, the DSC's just don't appreciate the value of anything or taking care of someone elses stuff.

The comment about feeling disempowered in your own home hit the nail on the head.. in my own experience i found i got pissed off with picking up towels/clothes/breakfast bowls/games/toys/console games/dvd's.. and i mean with my own DS as well as the DSC's, my DS1 was terrible with leaving dvd's out, and taking apart his toys.. until i went in his room and binned everything i deemed beyond repair, after many warnings, but i found that he resented me not laying it on the line with his stuff and the DSC's... in the end, i just left everything where it was lying, cue XP (now) moaning about the house being a mess, and me snapping that if his kids picked up their fucking clothes/towels... you know the rest of course it turned into a row so i didn't want to give her MY bad advice hehehe... thats why i've asked you lot

Can blame it on you if it doesnt work then

This has been my smallest thread to date and no arguments have kicked off lol

Must be gifted