to not want to support my friends when they have children?

[Confuzzeled]

Or am I being bitter?

I expected to loose some friends when I had my dd, but not to the extent that I actually did.

Even my close friends made little effort and I always went to meet them near their work for lunch or went to their houses with my dd. I have made an effort to keep friendships, firstly because I'm lonely and secondly because they have been good friends in the past.

Now I'm pregnant again and I've explained to my friends that I'm not getting my new car for a while and getting in to meet them is quite hard. I've also explained that I'm lonely and in need of adult conversation. Even my post natal group girls expect me to travel to their end of town because I moved away. They complain about getting the bus but expect me to while pregnant (I've had 2 really bad bus experiences in the last month).

One of my friends who I supported through a serious divorce cancels on me all the time because she's doing stuff with her bf. She see's him almost every night and I hate being put second because she thinks I don't like him.

I organise meet-ups with a big group of friends and then they all go out the night before and are too hungover to meet up the next day.

Some of them are trying for kids and I know they'll come to me when they have babies. I feel like treating them the way they've treated me.

Do but make sure you explain why and until they apologise

No really - being grown up you should treat them as you would have liked them to treat you and then bring it up with them when the time is right and have a chat.

Hi - sorry you're feeling so fed up - I think I would be too in your situation, so YANBU - your friends are probably just being lazy and a bit selfish. Can you join a local bumps and babies group ? and try to make contacts in your new area ? it can be difficult when your life is out of sync with your friends - I would try to be tolerant, try to increase your social network , and forgive them when they have their own DC and come to you as the experienced one ,Good Luck

Thanks, I am just fed up.

I no doubt will look after them when they have kids.

I was the first of my friends to have kids, bar one.

Upon becoming parents, most have apologised to me at some point saying "I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

I have also offered the same apology to the friend that had a baby before me. I used to get sniffy about her not joining me for nights out a month after the baby arrived. I was a fool!

Becoming a parent is one of many things in life that you can't understand fully until you've been there. Don't break your neck to live up to friends' expectations, but don't feel too bitter about them either. When your baby stops needing you around the clock, you'll be glad you didn't burn any bridges.

Yes, when they have babies they will go to you and will regret their foolish ways. That should be enough
My friend is going to have her first baby and I'm already savouring the moment when baby will throw his first tantrum She is one of those who thinks it's all the parent's fault.

People just have no idea till they have kids. They don't understand why everything is such a hassle and how you have a 'window' to do something, and how your whole life is consumed. So by the time your friends do, try to forgive them, be nice and you might regain a much better friendship than before.

I think you're expecting too much of them. It's unfortunate you now live a long way from everyone else in your post natal group, but as you're the only one, you're going to have to come to them. It sucks for you, but there it is. And as for your divorced friend with the new boyf, people do drop off the face of the planet when they're all loved up. They come back. All you can do is be tolerant - happy for her, even.

I was among the last of my friends to settle down, while my two best friends (who married each other) were the first. We managed to stay close, but while I think the other posters are right to say your childless friends will come good, it's not always easy for the single friend either. The only way it does work is if the single friend makes a lot of effort, and accepts she has to be the person to make the effort, possibly over years. For that you need a lot of faith in your friendship, and belief that unreturned calls etc are entirely reasonable given your friend's responsibilities.

The big meetups sound like a recipe for disaster as well. In my experience, unless there's a big unifying event like a birthday, large meetups can be like herding cats. Why not have lunch / shopping with just one or two, somewhere like Pizza Express which is both child and adult friendly?

Lastly (sorry this is so long) - perhaps you need to throw yourself into new groups in your area? If you're pregnant, you'll have mother and toddler groups eventually, or if you're in the early stages, NCT or similar?

I think you play a certain part in their lives and maybe are starting to resent this? What I mean is I used to have a friend who was our mum and organised things, kept in touch and kind of managed our friendships. We all secretly loved her for this but took total advantage of her and probably gave her nothing in return but all assumed she enjoyed it.
She had a child and moved on from us, maybe in the way that you are, but if your friends were less selfish and took the time to admit it they love and value you and clearly need to invest more time in you.

Oh gawd.

I've lost two good friends to motherhood but the door is always open, I hope we can be friends again in the future.

My very best, utter soulmate friend is just newly pregnant now and I'm trying so hard to be happy for her - the selfish part of me knows (cue Wonder Years voice) that part of our friendship is gone forever now.

I'm delighted for her as she has always wanted a family, but the selfish part of me feels bereaved to be losing my carefree drinking buddy. I don't have any other friends like that.

It's not easy being on the childfree side, I guess is what I'm saying. I gave up phoning one friend because I was terrified I'd wake the baby, interrupt feeding, ruin some precious sleep etc. I explained this to her and said, look, if you get a chance can you be the one to phone me? I'm always available. She never phoned and I haven't seen her for years.

I like what MorrisZapp and LongTallJosie have raised. It is extremely difficult to be the childless friend to someone who has become a parent, even if you've no plans for children yourself. There's a general feeling that the person with the child is the one who should be given special dispensation to change their behaviour. Of course this is a truism, but it still hurts to be on the receiving end of it.

I remember my flatmate leaving to move in with her partner to nest and have their baby. Of course I was delighted for her and gave her a happy sendoff, but I cried my eyes out as I cleaned her room after she'd left. We were in our 20s and I knew that, while I hadn't exactly lost my best friend, that chapter of my life was over and she had been the one to move on, however amicable and positive the reasons.

Of course I got over myself, and hopefully never let it show to my friend (beyond failing to understand why she couldn't come out with me even just once a month, for which I have since apologised). It was far from easy though and it took a lot of patience and attempts at understanding the incomprehensible on my part.

It is sad, this massive gulf that opens up where suddenly you have little in common with non-kid friends any more, despite all your past history and good friendships. Not helped by the fact that my lovely best friend is having problems conceiving. It is just as hard for the friend who doesn't have children, I agree. Just hoping it will all pass as kids get older!