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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken my dinner upstairs to eat like a huffy teenager? (LONG and POSS a bit boring)

26 replies

shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 19:08

So before I give you the synopsis, I know that I am probably BU to eat upstairs but really I want to know if I am BU about being in the huff full stop?

Ok, here goes...

I am a 31 yr old Learner Driver. I hate cars and have beeen 2 really bad accidents. i put off learning because driving terrifies me but we have moved to a rural location and I need to drive if I want to go back to work (am currently WAHM but need to earn more/ regain my intellect a little). My first few driving lessons mad me physically sick with nerves and it took 4 lessons to stop me crying. I have come a long way and am now at the stage where I am reasonably confident and enjoying it. I am maybe 8-10 lessons away from my test but really need to get more practice.... queue husband stage right.

So everytime he has taken me out driving he has put the fear of God into me. He gasps with horror, screams for me to stop and then, if these techniques aren't enough, is sarcastic to a fault if I can't do something.

It's like he enjoys the fact that he has been driving for 20 yrs and is good at it and enjoys pouring scorn over the fact that I have been driving for 6 mths and am crap (ish!).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was about to park the car after a very stressful l1/2hr of him being a prat and me getting worse and worse when he just made one too many sarky remarks so I got out, slammed tthe door and came straight up to my bedroom. I was embarrassed and shaky from being made to feel like a danger (and I'm not- I wouldn't let my kids get in the cars if I wasn't in control of it).

He didn't come up to see if I was ok but he made the dinner (very unusual) which I then took upstairs. I wanted an apology and didn't get one. He is not normally a sarky person but for whatever reason he is being a wank about me driving. He is totally crap at apologising. I am being quite emotional about the whole thing but I feel like I have overcome a HUGE obstacle just trying to learn and he knows that. Why can't he support me asopposed to making me feel like an idiot?

So, AIBU to be so huffy despite not having reacted the other 6 odd times he's been horrid about this or should I stand my ground and wait for an apology on this one?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 26/04/2009 19:10

YANBU

he needs to stop being a prick and grow up!

enjoy your dinner [gruff hug]

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 19:10

Sorry about the typos- thought I'd hit preview convo, but apparently not

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 26/04/2009 19:11

I didn't notice any typos

traceybath · 26/04/2009 19:13

Do not have any more lessons from your DH.

I learnt to drive when i was 17 and my mum took me out once - we had a huge argument and we never argued.

Really don't think family and driving lessons work. Leave it to your instructor.

Your're not being unreasonable but i think a learner driver may be a bit scarey if you're not a proper instructor.

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 19:16

Good- subversive typos , thanks for your wee lonely response- I do think that he is BU but I'm sure if I wait long enough the someone will come along and think otherwise

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 26/04/2009 19:16

oh you need proper lessons, this is a recipe for disaster (as if you didn't know that)

yama · 26/04/2009 19:16

YANBU - I passed my test last month but as our car handles differently to the car I learned in I will need a lot of practise before I will feel in any way confident.

Sometimes I feel under pressure because I am not enthusiastic about said practise.

I really do sympathise - learning is very stressful.

You need a big pat on the shoulders for getting this far. Really you do.

yama · 26/04/2009 19:17

Oh, and I'm 33 by the way.

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 19:25

Thanks all- I need to pass before the new school term in August or my life will be VERY complicated indeed (ideally before then as then I am not stuck in the arse-crack-of-nowhere for the whole summer the way that I have been for the past 2 yrs). I can't afford more lessons (I currently get one a week) and my instructor is not always reliable as unfortunately his wife is seriously ill. I also have no-one else to take me out.

I just want him to support me on this though as it is ridiculous that after nearly 9 years of marriage (yes I was a child bride!! ) that he doesn't know how stressful I find this. I feel like he's getting some sort of buzz out of my vulnerablity. Maybe I'm being unfair but that's how it feels

OP posts:
herbietea · 26/04/2009 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 19:26

Well done Yama by the way, I'm having problems too with the cars handling totally differently and am making mistakes with DH that I don't make with my instructor. Bum.

OP posts:
yama · 26/04/2009 19:29

Thanks

MarlaSinger · 26/04/2009 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bentneckwine1 · 26/04/2009 19:40

I have been learning to drive for half my entire life...first lessons when I was 17...still learning now age 34. Failed my test twice a number of years ago, on my fifth driving instructor now...after instructor number four told me that I was only the second person in three decades that he would hold his hands up and say 'ain't going to happen for you'!!

So I can sympathise with you and agree that taking those first steps to learn to drive has been a big hurdle and you deserve to feel proud of how far you have come.

The driving instructors have those specially adapted cars with dual control. So they are able to press on the pedals and keep everybody safe if required. Your DH on the other hand is sitting in the passenger seat(which is alien to him) and knows that he is responsible for the safety of you and other road users...but he actually would struggle to do anything useful in an accident. (Not saying that you would have an accident but you never know who might crash into you).

Also - and this is generalsing -some men quite like the fact that their wife can't drive because it means that the wife needs to rely on the man for lifts with shopping etc. The extra independence you will find with driving might be a slight threat to your DH.

I agree with those who say formal driving lessons with an instructor might be the best way to go.

Gentle · 26/04/2009 19:44

YANBU. Driving is an emotive subject if you've had collisions. Your Dh may be an experienced driver, but that doesn't make him a good driver and it certainly doesn't make him a good teacher.

When (not if) you pass your test, can I recommend that you sign up for the IAM? After a few months of their excellent, patient support, you can sit the advanced driving test. It's less than £100 for as many sessions as it takes to get you to advanced test standard. DH will love having an advanced driver in the family, I'm sure

I did this because of collisions I've dealt with - they shook my confidence so badly and I was determined not to give up. The IAM were wonderful and I am stupidly proud of my "Advanced Motorist" tax disc holder.

throckenholt · 26/04/2009 19:55

this was a rule my mum told me - never have your husband teach you to drive. She told me of similar scenario's she had with my dad when she was learning.

I was lucky - I learnt to drive at 17 - long before I met DH - and I have been driving for longer than him - but he still makes me feel like an incompetent fool when I drive him - so I never do. We have come to a compromise - he is an awful passenger and can't navigate - I can manage both quite well - so he drives when we are both in the car.

I would try and adopt a similar approach - get someone else to take you practising - a friend maybe. Because sure as hell if someone is sitting beside you making you feel nervous you are going to start making mistakes that you wouldn't have done if they weren't there - it is a self fulfilling situation.

He was a prat, and should be helping you - but accept this is not going to happen. And as for apologising - his making tea is the best he can do - most men are incapable of admitting they behaved badly (my DH included - and it drives me mad).

Keep practising and only drive in situations you are comfortable in until it becomes second nature.

stainesmassif · 26/04/2009 20:02

YANBU, but speaking from the other side of the argument - my dh has recently passed his test at 29 - it can be scary being the passenger to an inexperienced driver. No need to make sarcy remarks though, and I always stifle any signs of nervousness for dh as it doesn't help anyone.

Have you tried calmly explaining your feelings to your dh in words of one syllable? He clearly knows he's done something wrong, but maybe he hadn't really thought it through before....

MadamDeathstare · 26/04/2009 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 20:15

Out of fairness I must inform you that he has come upstairs to apologise and assure me (after much lecturing from me about his demeanour) that he will be more supportive when he next takes me out .

He just doesn't understand why I get so nervous ( again) but is at least a wee bit sorry. Although, he did ask if I was finished slating him on MN and if everyone thought he was BU!!!! . WTF...... I am obviously not as subtle as I think , tucking the laptop under my arm with my dinner in my other hand!!!

OP posts:
throckenholt · 26/04/2009 20:22

since he is being so reasonable - sit him down and go through the facts.

You have a history in cars that make you scared. You need to overcome that, you need to drive asap, and you don't have the money to do it without his help. So get him to agree to do his level best not to comment. And only go to places you are confident with - where you know the roads. Save the new situations for real lessons.

And agree - once you have passed your test - you drive on your own - and he doesn't have to be a passenger.

Hopefully that will be a pragmatic solution to the problem you both have to get past.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 26/04/2009 20:57

shootfromthehip where about do you stay maybe there will be a patient Mnetter out there that would take you out shame you more than likely don't live by my mum she would be ace, has the patience of a saint and remembers learning to drive like being on a white knuckle ride
I only passed my test a couple of years ago and it is soooo hard when you're nervous and you are out with someone who has been driving so long that they don't remember how petfrified nervous you can feel.

Good luck with the driving though, believe me if I can do it anyone can.

Tryharder · 26/04/2009 23:22

I have been driving for donkeys and never had a single accident (prangs with bollards excepting ) but my DP still clings onto dear life to the little handle above his head and sucks in air through his teeth if i venture over 40 or fail to brake for a car slowing down about 2 miles ahead of me.

Men are wankers when it comes to women driving. YA so NBU.

OP, is there a instructor driving school near you - I mean one that teaches people how to be driving instructors rather than teaching learner drivers. I ask because learner instructors have to clock up so many practice hours of teaching and need "students" to practice on. They are not allowed to charge you. It might be worth contacting a school and volunteering your "services".

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/04/2009 00:07

Do you have a branch of Arnold Clarke or other car-hirer near you? My local AC hires out dual control cars at a very reasonable rate, so your DH may feel he has more control in case of an emergency, and neither of you has to worry about you bumping your own car.

mayorquimby · 27/04/2009 10:11

impossible to say wether yabu or not with only your side especially when it's regarding learning how to drive and being thought by a family member.
it just doesn't work. the teacher is always over-critical in the students eyes, and the student takes criticisms personally in a way that they wouldn't if it was an instructor.
it is terrifying sitting in a passenger seat trying to teach someone you know how to drive and it can feel like you're nagging because you have to constantly correct little things in a way which a learner can't understand and often think you are criticising these minor things just for the sake of it.
equally when you are a competent driver trying to teach someone you forget how stressfull and overwhelming your first driving experiences are and how the constant corrections might be more hinderance than help.
fwiw i think the op was unreasonable in keeping up the sulk and expecting an apology when the husband might have been expecting the same after her slam the door storm off and take dinner upstairs routine.
as others have said, don't teach or be thought by your OH if you are not prepared to live with their methods of teaching as it will always end in tears.

giraffesCantRunA10k · 27/04/2009 10:15

YANBU and he acted like a prat

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