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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really hacked off with not-so-very d h

51 replies

edam · 25/04/2009 18:17

Just got home from shopping to find note from dh 'not coming out tonight, make my apologies, do not wake if asleep'.

So I've had to ring up our friends and say dh isn't coming to dinner tonight (it was just the four of us). How bloody rude? They've already done all the preps and are cooking gorgeous food.

I am really embarrassed and flaming angry. Because he's not actually ill or anything, he's just sulking because we had a row this morning - at 10am!

He was asleep when I left the house at 2pm and is still asleep now. Lazy, ill-mannered fucker. I am ashamed of him.

(ds is staying over with a friend btw, I didn't abandon him with sleeping dh.)

Row was because dh promised faithfully he would take ds to his music lesson this morning as a friend had invited me to something she was running. But when I tried to rouse dh at 9 he refused to get up, and only surfaced at 10. The lesson's at 11, I can't drive yet so if I take ds we have to walk. I was a bit pissed off and dh acted all innocent 'why are you in a mood?' So I told him, and he got the hump and started attacking me.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 25/04/2009 18:40

no, I'd be fine with just you. Has often happened with people we've invited that just one has turned up for some sort of childcare or illness emergency. Has never been a problem.

Dior · 25/04/2009 18:40

Edam - I think the phrase is 'Passive Agressive'! I am depressed and, much as I do use it sometimes to get me out of things, I would never do what he has done. Poor you.

oranges · 25/04/2009 18:41

i'd rather have just the one person. go!

spicemonster · 25/04/2009 18:43

Oh gosh I'm much rather you came alone than not at all! Go along and have a great time. But I think you need to have A Talk tomorrow

Merrylegs · 25/04/2009 18:43

I think you are right not to 'enable' his behaviour - ie rise to his sulking, feel sympathy etc, because actually it probably won't do any good.

You're right - your best bet is to get on with enjoying your evening.

However I would wonder, if he is on meds and they have been working, yet he is low again, whether perhaps they need looking at?

Original poster
edam · 25/04/2009 19:41

thanks everyone for helping me vent my frustration. I just know if we have A Talk it will be a. all my fault for being unreasonable and b. not his fault at all because he's depressed and will storm off. Or cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
edam · 25/04/2009 19:42

btw, I'm all dressed up (in pink am being v. girly tonight) and have somewhere to go!

OP posts:
mamas12 · 25/04/2009 19:48

Will you read the emotional abuse thread edam and see if that applies to you and him.
Otherwise you are doing the right thing have a good time!

ABetaDad · 25/04/2009 19:50

Merrylegs - I agree with your two posts. It did strike me as odd straight away that he was sleeping so much.

Depression is a real illness and living with someone who is suffering with it I am sure is depressing too.

I do not agree with others who seem to be going down the 'he should snap out of it' path. He may feel really rotten and could not face the dinner.

His medication may well need reviewing.

Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 19:52

Hope you can manage to enjoy it, no don't bother to drag him along as he won't be much fun.

Do you think maybe you might need a talk later - sounds like weird behaviour and big lack of communication going on. You need and deserve to know what's going on.

MintyyAeroEgg · 25/04/2009 19:54

God, I don't know how you partners of people with depression put up with it day in day out. All strength to you.

Edam: you must go and if you were my friend I would be more than happy to have you alone without your dh. Have a great evening.

spicemonster · 25/04/2009 19:56

You can have depression and still be a bit manipulative though - I know I have at times in the past. And actually if he suffers from depression and knows it, saying 'I'm feeling really shit at the moment and can't face it' is a much better response than what he's done. You can be depressed and still realise you're letting people down.

KimiAteTooManyEasterEggs · 25/04/2009 20:00

I grew up in a house where my mother battled depression (she still does) and selfish as it sounds if first DH or new DP got hit by it (god forbid) me and the kids would be gone so fast we would break the land speed record.

Have a lovely evening without him.

Original poster
edam · 26/04/2009 00:35

Just got back - I did have a lovely evening with great company. But my friend's dh really missed mine.

Bloody man is STILL apparently asleep. I'm wondering if he's skulking around when I'm out, foraging for food or something. Has my husband turned into a Borrower?

Thank you very much for cheering me up, everyone.

And yes, those of you who point out depression is an illness, I do know that, have spent two or three years supporting dh and have experience in my own family. Have bitten my lip so many times. But this was incredibly, deliberately rude. He could easily have called my mobile so our friends had more notice.

Thing is, this bout of 'depression' follows so very conveniently upon us having a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
edam · 26/04/2009 00:36

(and thanks particularly to spicemonster, very helpful to hear from someone who has suffered from depression themselves.)

OP posts:
Original poster
edam · 26/04/2009 00:38

And Dior, sorry sweetie not to mention you at first.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 26/04/2009 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 26/04/2009 02:08

Difficult one. I think it's definitely worth a talk, but even though you need to say you were pissed off, try to keep it
neutral?

chefswife · 26/04/2009 02:14

YANBU... be sure to tell them why he didn't come. you don't need to be embarrassed. its him that looks like a sulking twat.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 26/04/2009 02:16

BoF get to my thread...oh shit

Original poster
edam · 26/04/2009 08:01

I got up this morning and he talked to me like a reasonable human being, offering a cup of tea. But I had to explain that he'd been incredibly rude. He's going to take over a bunch of flowers but again, I had to point out he'd dumped me in the shit before I got an apology.

So, a little progress, but I really don't feel he's made up for it. Am not going to push too hard though, will just cause another row and leave me frustrated and angry.

OP posts:
Dior · 26/04/2009 08:49

I must admit that I often feel more depressed when I have had a row with h, so maybe he is not making that bit up.

Glad you had a nice evening

Original poster
edam · 26/04/2009 22:24

thanks dior - dh and I are talking to each other and being quite nice. Have even cracked the odd joke.

OP posts:
moondog · 26/04/2009 22:25

Did he contact the couple?

spicemonster · 26/04/2009 22:28

Glad you're having a better day today edam

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