Page 2 | To want to dry heave everytime someone goes on about 'bonding'??????

TheProvincialLady · 25/04/2009 08:28

I agree that 'bonding' for dads means "You are getting to do all the fun stuff - involving boobs - and I feel left out. Washing up and doing nappies is not as much fun as boobs. Can I pretend I have a boob too please? But only for a bit obviously, as I have Important Things to do the rest of the time. Esepcially at 3am"

But bonding meant a lot to me when I couldn't do it with DS1 after a horrific birth. I didn't think about it with DS2 as it just happened, but perhaps it is one of those things that is a big deal if it doesn't happen but not it it does IYSWIM?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 25/04/2009 08:31

I can't be the only one that found breastfeeding deeply tedious and in fact not a "bonding" experience because I hated it so much.

ohdearwhatamess · 25/04/2009 08:35

Libra - same here

TheProvincialLady · 25/04/2009 08:38

But was bottle feeding any less tedious? I agree that BF doesn't have to be 'bonding'.

sarah293 · 25/04/2009 08:40

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piscesmoon · 25/04/2009 08:41

People should go with their own insticts. The problem is that people get evangelical about certain ways of parenting, as if it is the 'best and only'. All it means is that it is 'the best and only' for them-it doesn't necessarily suit other mothers or other babies-in fact it can make them downright miserable!
Bonding is an overused word IMO-I always think of superglue!

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 25/04/2009 08:43

I don't know I breastfed until 6 months and do both breast and bottle now he is 9 months, I do know now he can drain a bottle in about 5 minutes. They take longer when younger but still quicker than breastfeeding and it's that age old refrain, at least you know how much they are getting.

sarah293 · 25/04/2009 08:43

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TheProvincialLady · 25/04/2009 08:52

Oh ISWYM. I had the opposite experience as DS1 was bottle fed EBM and took forever whereas DS2 is BF and it's all over and done with in 5 minutes and has been since birth.

standanddeliver · 25/04/2009 09:01

"People should go with their own insticts"

Unfortunately there are some mums whose 'instincts' tell them that it's perfectly OK to do absolutely crap things to their babies. Like the mother recently seen round my way, who had propped her baby's bottle up - with a massive hardback book, which was just resting on the baby's chest.......

Personally, as someone who lives a million miles away from 'mumsnetville' I think people can do with a bit of guidance sometimes.... like the families of some of the women I see at the school gate, who think it's completely reasonable to expect a mum to go and pick up the children from school 4 days after a c-section, while they themselves hang out at the betting shop.

"All it means is that it is 'the best and only' for them-it doesn't necessarily suit other mothers or other babies-in fact it can make them downright miserable!"

Hmmmm. A healthy diet of fresh food is best for children, whether you like cooking or not. If shopping for and cooking fresh food makes you so miserable that you take it out on your children and your relationship with them suffers, then you might feel they are better off eating ready meals. A healthy diet of fresh food is still 'best' though.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 25/04/2009 09:07

I honestly don't get this "instinct" thing. I had NO idea what to do with a baby and I am not sure how instinct can tell you what's going on inside a baby in regards to such a thing as weaning.

TheProvincialLady yes different babies take different times and I know with bf it's not always about the milk it's sometimes about the comfort and that to is down to individual babies. I give my 9 month old a 6:30pm b/f before bed and WW3 breaks out if it's less than 30minutes despite the fact he can't be drinking the whole time.

Original poster

moondog · 25/04/2009 09:07

Yes, all terribly self-indulgent. Everything seems to have a name and an issue given to it these days. Agree.

Excactly Bolter. A kindred spirit.

agree that 'bonding' for dads means "You are getting to do all the fun stuff - involving boobs - and I feel left out. Washing up and doing nappies is not as much fun as boobs. Can I pretend I have a boob too please? But only for a bit obviously, as I have Important Things to do the rest of the time. Esepcially at 3am"

And there too Provincial. Very droll.

I can't be doing with all this earnest stuff. We all think too much. So bloody self indulgent.

OP posts:

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth · 25/04/2009 10:40

standanddeliver....it is often not instincts that make us do what we do (not just as parents), so much is down to social norms, etc....

Mumcentreplus · 25/04/2009 10:48

Express ...

Upwind · 25/04/2009 12:04

When I said I wanted time to "bond" I really meant that I wanted to get on with struggling to establish breastfeeding in peace, with an untidy house, greasy hair, grumpy attitude and sour milk BO. Few people are direct enough to say they don't want visitors because they will be a nuisance or the new mother doesnt feel well enough.

YABU they just can't be arsed bonding with YOU right now

piscesmoon · 25/04/2009 13:46

I have a big gap in ages. With my first I was in hospital for days. It was very restful. There was time to get established with breastfeeding; it was quite self indulgent as there was time to have naps, visitors came for short spells and I didn't have to make them cups of tea. With the last I was out in in 6 hrs but this is what people seem to want.
I think it should be the aim to breast feed, mine never had a bottle, but I don't think that people should be made to feel a lesser mother because of it. I had 3 natural, drug free births but that was just luck.
I suppose that some people don't have a natural instinct for it but I much prefer to use my own rather than someone else's in a book.

ChippingIn · 25/04/2009 20:50

My parents were allowed to see their new Grandson for about 15 minutes, then told not to visit for a couple of weeks (they live around the corner and only get to see GD when it suits DIL to USE them) so they could bond as a 'family'. My niece wasn't allowed to go Grandma and Grandpa's to visit (she's 3) as they wanted her to 'bond' with her brother (she wanted to go to Grandma's and be spoiled ).... my Dad rather wishes the evil DIL would bond her mouth with some super glue.... GS (nephew) is a couple of months old now and my parents are never allowed to hold him, he's permanently strapped to the evil SIL's chest...

I, thankfully, live in another country....

Just want to add, that it pisses me off because it's so overused. I think the other thread is using it in a very valid way and can understand mothers with PND feeling like they haven't bonded with their child... but it's a lot of crap needing to isolate the newborn from the rest of the world to 'bond'.

nickytwotimes · 25/04/2009 20:55

Yanbu at all.

blueshoes · 25/04/2009 21:53

moondog, yanbu.

Always hated the word 'bonding'. It is some verbal shorthand that everyone, particularly media, seems to conspire in, about this magical state between mother and baby that is imperative to achieve and support.

Yuck.

I would not know 'bonding' if it came up and hit me between the eyes. I could bond with a ferret if forced to look after it for long enough.

I love my dcs, they drive me up the wall. I do loads for them that they very often don't appreciate. I do all this for fleeting kisses and cuddles. But I had never thought of it as bonding.

chegirl · 25/04/2009 22:38

There is a 16 year age gap between my oldest and youngest. I cant begin to tell you how much more annoying it is now! Flippen bloody nora - you cannot do anything with, to or near a baby without instructions.

I am all for good quality information but fer fecks sake when will it all stop!

I particularly love it when some HV half my age (well nearly) with no kids gives me unsolicited advice. I am absolutly fine asking for help ta very much.

I 'bonded' (sorry op) with my kids with no problems. I know that some mums are not that lucky and I feel for them. I cant help thinking its not made easier by all the advice and theory floating around. It makes it into some sort of exam rather than a natural process. A lot of the theories are based on research done on 'abnormal' situations i.e. severely neglected children, women in prision etc and they then trickle down and end up in the Daily Mail or some baby mag.

I didnt meet my DS2 until he was 8 weeks old. I got a phone call from SIL at the begining of the week and picked him up from family court on the Friday. I didnt even know he exsisted before the Monday. I had no problems 'bonding' (sorry again OP) with the little darling. He was a baby, he needed me, I love babies, I picked him up and whammo - bonderoonie (ha ha I have made the dreaded word even worse )

There was no chance of peace and quiet and gently getting to know each other with any of my kids, life was far too busy.

Each to their own though. I suppose its important for some to spend the first few weeks alone with baby but they shouldnt be made to feel they have to.