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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have a life and some friends?

22 replies

friendlessmum · 23/04/2009 18:51

hi am new to this site - basically everyone around me seems to have a social life while my husband and me and our 3 kids sit around or do stuff on our own - we never get invited anywhere unless we initiate stuff

have tried playgroups etc but i think people pick up on the desperation and run a mile - i feel really lonely and worry about my kids

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rachnja · 23/04/2009 19:04

hiya im also new on this site. and im in same boat as you i have two kids partner always working an its just me an the kids drives me crazy sum times. u sound really down. do you live by any family or freinds with children who you could go out with xx

Original poster
friendlessmum · 23/04/2009 21:14

hi thanks for replying still working this thing out - does it have instant messenger facility? how do you know if someone has replied? anyway where do you live? how do you cope with the loneliness? i just feel like i make all the effort with people and it gets really tiring but then if i don't i get stuck on my own - i wish i was less needy! i am a really nice person(if i do say so myself) and i would make an excellent friend so i really don't get what i am doing wrong?

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tessofthedurbervilles · 23/04/2009 21:18

Where are you roughly? In antcipation of this I registered with the local childrens centre and am going to every baby group I can. I find it hard to click with people and come across aloof...maybe you misread other peoples signals?

ChippingIn · 23/04/2009 21:22

There are that many of us out there that get a bit lonely, that hate the toddler groups because no-one talks to you, that need converstation other than how many months said child is and yes isn't her hair lovely... (inane smile)... so how come we are all here, yet in the real world we feel so isolated??

Maybe we need a small badge or something so we can find each other 'in the real world'... sigh

Eve34 · 23/04/2009 21:26

That sounds like a plan, I will wear a badge, it is hard to make friends I have tried really hard on a number of web sites but just not clicked with anyone. The difficulty with this site is it is so large and some people like to keep RL seperate from here.

If you are Hampshire based, let me know.

Original poster
friendlessmum · 23/04/2009 22:32

thanks for all the replies - still not really clear how it works is there any alert facility to let you know if someone has answered? i am based in ne london - my problem is that if someone does seem friendly i get so over excited as i am so used to being snubbed by people that i think i scare them away! i wish i had appreciated my close friendships when i was younger...but in those days making friends wasn't so much hard work

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 23/04/2009 22:54

friendlessmum - part of your problem is that you are in London - not exactly known for it's friendliness is it!! I think all you can do is keep going to toddler groups etc and if you can afford it try something where you pay for a term (like Rhythm Time) then you do see the same people each week and as it's something you have specifically chosen to do, then usually the parents are a bit more like minded... are any of yours at school/nursery yet, try talking to those parents and arranging to meet after nursery/school. It takes a while, but you do start to make friends after a while

At the top of the page there is a list of ways to look things up - one of them is Threads I'm on, which is good for keeping track of conversations, to look at this one you could also use Threads I've started. You can use the refresh as well, but I think if you were the last person to post (write a message) then it will duplicate your post, i just go in and out of different threads! HTH (hope that helps).

I don't know of any alert you can use.... but someone else might be able to help you with that.

Dysgu · 23/04/2009 23:16

Finding new friends is always tricky. Now that I am on ML it seems that I have to start all over again to find people to meet in RL.

Eve34 where in Hampshire are you? I am on the island but it is easy to get off!

rachnja · 24/04/2009 11:30

hiya im in liverpool so im to far away! just keep going to toddler groups try differnt ones you will meet someone who is the same as your self. even your local libary ours have things on 4 kids you can meet people there just keep trying. the people who are rude an snub you, you are better off with out them xx

LittleOtik · 24/04/2009 11:32

Where in London are you?

Can I recommend contacting your local NCT bod and asking them to add you to their email list - then you'll hear about teas that other mums host and other events. This is how I made my first mum friends.

wickerman · 24/04/2009 11:43

Yeh where are you? And how old are your kids?
I don't think people are rude, in the main, - and I think London is no worse than anywhere else - the loneliest I have ever been was living in a rural village - Ijust think people are BUSY and a bit self absorbed. If you find things that YOU like doing with the kids, you will meet people that you have something in common with. I think unless the kids are really really young - like newborn - being a parent isn't necessarily enough of a common bond to create friendships. Acquaintanceships yeh, and people who you do favours for and vice versa, but not necessarily REAL friends.

gardeningmum05 · 24/04/2009 11:43

whats NCT bod?

Eve34 · 24/04/2009 12:45

DYSGU - you lucky lady the ilse of Wight - I am near Southampton so not far away if you fancy a trip over the solent let me know :-) I don't bite honest x

Original poster
friendlessmum · 26/04/2009 21:39

thanks for replying - have been trying to rekindle some of my old friendships but getting nowhere - everyone is busy or has a social network - i did join the nct but all the other mums had really young babies and my youngest is a toddler - i think i will just have to accept that we are not going to have many friends and then if we do make friends it will be a nice surprise

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Gelamum · 28/04/2009 21:12

where are you in London FLMum or do you not want to say ??

screamingabdab · 28/04/2009 21:32

friendlessmum How old are your kids ?

If they are at school, are there school social events, like quiz nights - that's one way of getting to know people as a couple.

Also, do you work? I you don't work every day, can you invite someone out for a coffee after school drop off?

S sorry you are feeling left out. I know it can seem as if everyone else is off having a fab time, but there are many many who feel like you. I have written elsewhere about how I felt when my DCs were young

Original poster
friendlessmum · 28/04/2009 22:11

i live in north east london - my oldest daughter goes to school and that has been part of the problem - we came into a new area and all the mums already know each other - despite my best efforts only one of the mums wants to be friends - she is another newcomer - before i moved i was fairly self confident but the continual snubs have made me feel really anxious and too scared to approach anyone - it is also really hurtful when you can hear them all arranging to go out and being left out - the worst thing is i worry for my daughter - at her birthday party we invited 16 children from the school and only 7 came - 4 of them did not even have the courtesy to let me know they werent coming so i have kind of stopped bothering - my middle son starts school in sept - i am really hoping that being there from the beginning will make it easier as people are more willing to make an effort but i worry that there is something about me that makes people back off and then i worry about the impact on my kids

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elastamum · 28/04/2009 22:20

Hi all, I know how you feel. We moved into a new area and less than a month late my H left us! I have 2 boys at school and have had to work had to make friends! It is slowly happening but you do have to out yourself out there. We put out far more invites for parties than we get back but it is starting to happen for my kids. I reckon I have to make twice the effort (and hold down a full time job)but we WILL make a new life for ourselves

elastamum · 28/04/2009 22:20

Opps I meant put yourself out there!

Original poster
friendlessmum · 29/04/2009 10:43

oh you poor thing elastamum - how do you cope? you sound a lot tougher than me!

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BirdyBedtime · 29/04/2009 11:05

I can totally relate to your sitation friendlessmum as I have felt like this in the not too recent past. We moved when DD was 8 months and it is only in the past year (she's nearly 4) that I can honestly say that I've made some friends locally, mainly through chatting with other mums at birthday parties last summer. I find it hard to talk to mew people but realised that you have to put yourself out there to start with. They are all mums of DDs nursery friends, and I still sometimes feel that because they all went to under-1s/toddlers together I am a bit of an outsider, but I'm getting there, so it just takes a bit of time - hang in there.

BirdyBedtime · 29/04/2009 11:06

Ooops- new people obviously!

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